Emotional Self-Regulation: Thoughts, Body and Words

A favourite cup hits the kitchen floor. The child freezes, while the adult already has a line ready: “How can you upset me like this?” As though the child has broken a signed contract guaranteeing parental calm along with the cup. The cup mattered, bare feet are near sharp fragments, and everything feels harder after a long day. This imagined scene contains several tasks, beginning with a practical one: moving the child away from the pieces.

Events affect feelings. Anger, alarm or tears may arise before you have formed a thought. Your next action depends on your state, available support and what is happening around you. Self-regulation can give you more opportunities to notice this moment and change your behaviour, without making you the author of every event or someone else’s actions.

In the cup scene, you could say, “Stay back, there is broken ceramic. I will clean it up.” You are still angry while doing what safety requires. Sulking like a puffed-up hamster can be tempting too. It helps to notice the impulse before the child has to guess when the adult will speak to them again.

Responsibility for shouting or humiliation remains with the person doing it. Feeling hurt by someone’s cruelty does not establish poor emotional control. Threats or violence call for protection and support; no skilful response transfers an aggressor’s responsibility to the person harmed.

Stephen Covey discussed proactivity in his personal effectiveness model. The FranklinCovey overview of the seven habits describes the first habit in terms of acting where you can have influence. Consider rain spoiling a picnic: you feel disappointed and can still move the meeting indoors. An umbrella is more useful than trying to negotiate a good-mood contract with the weather.

This is a management model, not a division between psychologically correct and incorrect people. You can act thoughtfully and remain upset. After a sleepless night, less energy is available, so a realistic next step may be asking someone to take over rather than issuing yourself an even stricter order to cope.

When you feel yourself getting carried away, check the immediate task: is there something to clear up, an argument to step away from, or help to call? You might then get comfortable, loosen clenched hands and try gentle breathing without holds or force. The NHS breathing guide emphasises comfort without strain. If the exercise makes things worse, stop and choose another point of support, such as looking around the room.

An imaginary fee of forty thousand dollars for two hours of patience makes a decent joke about motivation. It does not measure an exhausted person’s capacity to regulate themselves. Sleep, food, a break and another adult’s involvement may matter much more than a persuasive inner speech.

Notice “he is doing this to spite me” and check where the thought came from. With the cup, you know the crockery broke. An intention to cause harm has not been established. Once the danger is cleared, ask what happened. “I wanted to get water myself” suggests another task: agreeing how the child can do that safely.

A pleasant memory can also offer support: yesterday’s walk, or someone you feel comfortable with. The memory does not have to outweigh your present sadness. If a problem needs resolving, you will still need to return to it.

Instead of a compulsory superhero pose, check whether you are standing comfortably, clenching your jaw or able to shift position a little. Sitting may suit one person; a gentle walk may suit another. You do not have to force a smile, move fast or laugh. Greater physical comfort does not guarantee an immediate change in feelings.

“I am angry right now. First I will clear the pieces, then we can talk” provides more clarity than “I am in a wonderful mood!” when that is untrue. With another adult, you might say, “I am starting to speak sharply. I want a pause and to return to this in twenty minutes.” Agree on returning so the pause does not become indefinite punishment through silence.

Children also learn from how an adult puts a mistake right. After shouting, you can say, “I shouted. That was wrong. I needed to tell you it was dangerous near the pieces.” One poor response does not determine the next eighteen years, and an apology does not remove the need to change recurring behaviour.

If outbursts recur, look at the workload and conditions: when you sleep, who shares care and what happens before conflict. If changes you make alone are insufficient, seek professional support. A risk of harming yourself or a child calls for immediate help from another trusted adult, and immediate danger calls for emergency services.

In an emotions journal or ordinary notebook, make a short record: event, first thought, physical sensations, action and what you want to try next time. There are also resources in the MriyaRun catalogue. The three “buttons” remain an image for available ways to support yourself. They do not control the weather or other people, but may help you find a next action while feelings have yet to settle.