Emotional intelligence: six lessons for everyday practice

A short “we’ll talk tomorrow” appears in a work chat, and your evening fills with guesses. You recall your last mistake, reread the message and try to hear a tone that the text does not contain. Ordinary situations like this are where emotional skills can help: noticing your reaction, checking assumptions and choosing a response.

Daniel Goleman brought emotional intelligence to a broad readership. Researchers nevertheless use different models and measures: abilities to recognise and understand emotions differ from self-reported personal traits. A sweeping claim that EQ matters more than IQ for every kind of success is therefore not a reliable guide. Here we will focus on six actions you can try in a particular situation.

Before replying, notice your breathing, jaw tension and urge to prove something immediately. Then try naming the emotion. Paul Ekman’s familiar model considers seven emotions: happiness, sadness, fear, anger, surprise, disgust and contempt. This is one way to organise observation; another person’s gestures and expression remain clues whose meaning is worth checking.

Try completing “I’m feeling…” more precisely than “good” or “bad.” Perhaps you feel disappointment, concern, relief or several things together. Plutchik’s emotion wheel can provide vocabulary without requiring your whole experience to fit one scheme.

Naming a feeling can sometimes help organise it, but the effect depends on context and intensity. If writing increases tension, take a break and return later. The aim is a more accurate account of what is happening for you.

Take a few minutes to check whether you are sitting comfortably, holding your breath or needing water or rest. Shoulder tension may accompany an emotion, fatigue or an awkward position; it cannot by itself establish what caused a feeling. If focusing on your body is unpleasant, shift attention towards objects around you.

“You seem upset to me. Would you like to say anything about it?” leaves room for someone to confirm or correct your impression. In a chat, clarify the meaning: “Is there anything I should prepare for tomorrow’s conversation?” That provides information you lacked when drawing conclusions.

Ask what else may be influencing your own state. You might be irritated and short of sleep at the same time. Several factors can operate together.

Before a difficult conversation, consider the timing, whether your response fits the situation and what you want to achieve. The Ukrainian reminder ДАР links these questions to appropriateness, proportionality and purpose. It is a practical memory aid rather than a psychological assessment.

“That message left me uncertain, and I’d like to check what you meant” gives someone a specific subject to respond to. Families, teams and cultures differ in familiar ways of expressing feelings, so discussing preferences is more useful than relying on national stereotypes.

Sometimes you need a pause before responding; sometimes another possible explanation or a specific request helps. Instead of “I’ve ruined everything,” ask: “What happened, and what can I repair?” Complex therapeutic exercises involving intense emotions are better chosen with professional guidance.

To reflect on practice, select a recent conversation. Note whether you could name a feeling, notice physical signals, ask about the other person’s state, pause and account for fatigue. These questions do not produce an EQ score. They suggest an action you may want to try next time.

The EQ Emotions Diary or an ordinary notebook can hold these observations. Returning to them may reveal which words and decisions were useful in your particular circumstances.

O’Connor and colleagues: review of emotional intelligence models and measurement. Research on timing, intensity and affect labelling.

Paul Ekman Group: Universal Emotions.