Heart Intelligence: 10 Commandments of Emotional Literacy That Change Lives
We are taught literacy in reading and writing from the first grade. But there is another kind of literacy rarely taught in schools — emotional literacy. Most conflicts, internal crises, and ruined relationships happen not because we are "bad people," but because we are emotionally illiterate. We don't know how to ask, we are afraid to refuse, and we often confuse love with control.
These "10 Commandments of Emotional Literacy" (inspired by Transactional Analysis expert Claude Steiner) are not just rules of etiquette. They are safety instructions for your psyche.
Let's break down each one using examples from a typical couple — let's call them Alex and Marina.
I. The Center is Love
Commandment: Make a loving, caring attitude toward yourself and others the center of your emotional life.
What does it mean?
Many live driven by fear, shame, or a desire for power. Emotional literacy suggests changing the "operating system": every action should stem from care.
Example: Alex forgets to buy groceries. Fear/Control reaction: Marina yells or Alex lies to make excuses. Love reaction: Marina expresses her disappointment but focuses on a solution (ordering food) without attacking his character.
II. No Secrets (Except for Safety)
Commandment: Keep secrets to a minimum and be honest, unless there is a threat to safety.
What does it mean?
Secrets build walls. However, honesty does not mean reckless openness with abusers.
Example: Marina is annoyed by Alex's habit. Keeping it a "secret" builds resentment. Honest discussion releases tension. Exception: If a partner is abusive, hiding plans to leave is a matter of safety, not deceit.
III. Speak Directly About Feelings and Desires
Commandment: Say what you feel and what you want; no one will guess for you.
What does it mean?
Abandoning magical thinking ("he should just know").
Example: Instead of sulking, Marina says: "I feel angry because I didn't feel supported this morning. I want to discuss this." This "I-statement" turns fog into a clear map for action.
IV. No Power Plays
Commandment: Do not use pressure or manipulation; ask softly but firmly for what you need.
What does it mean?
Power plays include blackmail, the silent treatment, or playing the victim.
Example: Marina wants the mountains, Alex wants the sea. Power play: Marina ruins the mood until he gives in. Literacy: "It is important for me to go to the mountains to recharge. Let's find a compromise."
V. Do Not Get Drawn into Power Plays
Commandment: Do not let others drag you into a power struggle; learn to say "no."
What does it mean?
Setting boundaries without reacting with guilt or aggression.
Example: A mother uses guilt: "You've forgotten me completely." Alex doesn't justify himself or get angry. He replies calmly: "Mom, I hear you are sad. I love you, but I am busy right now. I will call you tonight."
VI. Respect Others' Thoughts and Desires
Commandment: Respect others as you respect yourself, but remember: respect does not mean submission.
What does it mean?
You can respect another's right to choose without agreeing with them.
Example: Marina wants a career change. Alex fears income loss. Respect: "I am scared for our budget (about self), but I respect your dream (about her). Let's calculate the finances."
VII. Apologize for Your Mistakes
Commandment: Take responsibility for your errors.
What does it mean?
An apology is the "glue" for relationships, not a sign of weakness.
Example: Forgetting a date, Alex doesn't say "I worked too hard," but admits: "I forgot, and I am very sorry. How can I make it right?"
VIII. Do Not Accept False Apologies
Commandment: Do not accept empty, insincere apologies.
What does it mean?
"Sorry you're so sensitive" is not an apology. Accepting it is betraying yourself.
Example: If a colleague gives a dismissive "sorry" for a delay, you have the right to say: "I hear your apology, but I need to know how we will avoid this in the future, as my work suffered."
IX. Love Yourself, Others, and the Truth
Commandment: Never sacrifice one for the other.
What does it mean?
The balance rule. Loving only yourself is selfishness. Only others — martyrdom. Only truth — cruelty.
Example: The food is bad. Martyr: eats and praises. Critic: "This is gross." Balance: "I appreciate your effort (love for other), but this taste doesn't work for me (truth + love for self)."
X. Be Flexible with the Commandments
Commandment: These rules are not carved in stone.
What does it mean?
Emotional literacy is a living skill. Sometimes a white lie to save a surprise or silence to conserve energy is necessary. You are the master; the commandments are your tools.
P.S. Interactive: Emotional Literacy Test
How much do these commandments resonate with you? Give yourself an honest "plus" or "minus":
- [ ] I can directly say "I am angry" or "I am sad" without blaming the other person.
- [ ] When I make a mistake, I apologize without the word "but" (e.g., "sorry, but it's your fault").
- [ ] I know how to say "no" to people without feeling unbearable guilt.
- [ ] I do not use silence (the silent treatment) to punish my partner.
- [ ] I take care of myself as diligently as I do of others.
If you have fewer than 3 checks, it’s not a verdict, but a growth zone. Emotional literacy is a muscle that can be trained.
Practice: From Theory to Action with MriyaRun
Knowing the commandments is one thing. Living by them every day is real work. We often understand everything intellectually, but our body and emotions react in old ways.
To help you integrate this knowledge, I, Dmytro Telushko, have developed special tools within the MriyaRun project:
- Emotional Journal (Workbook): Your personal trainer for commandments #1, #3, and #9. It will help you track your states, validate emotions, and find their true causes instead of suppressing them.
- Body Journal: Emotions live in the body. When we "swallow" resentment or engage in power plays, the body tenses up. This journal will teach you to hear your body's signals and regain contact with reality (Commandment #1).
Start your journey to emotional freedom today. Your feelings matter.
Diary of Emotions | EQ (Emotional Intelligence)