Five promises to yourself when a relationship feels frightening

Before New Year, you may want to believe that things will improve, at least for one evening. Set the table, smile for a photograph, avoid a difficult conversation. When there is humiliation, threats or control at home, a different question may lie behind those familiar preparations: how to get through the holidays safely and whom to contact if things become worse.

In immediate danger, contact your local emergency service. Prepare any plan to leave or seek support with risk in mind: confrontation, announcing a separation or notes accessible to a partner may increase danger. If your device is monitored, look for a safer way to contact someone you trust or a specialist service.

In Healing from Toxic Relationships, Stephanie Sarkis discusses recovery, self-care and self-esteem after harmful relationships. The five promises below bring those themes together for reflection; they are not a verbatim list from her book. You can begin on any day, without waiting for 1 January.

You may have explained many times that insults hurt or that your messages should remain private. When someone keeps violating a boundary, an even clearer explanation does not always change the situation. Consider available support and actions you can take: whom to call, where to stay and how to end a conversation safely.

“I don’t want to discuss this now” may help in a relationship where the other person can respect it. If refusing leads to punishment or threats, an individual safety plan is needed. Responsibility for abusive actions belongs to the person committing them.

Under constant strain, sleep, medical care and ordinary meals can get postponed until “things settle down.” Notice one need you can attend to today: eating, taking prescribed medication, making an appointment or finding time to rest.

This may seem small beside a decision about the relationship’s future. Your exhaustion nevertheless deserves attention now. You do not have to prove that things are bad enough to deserve help.

You might begin with a specific message to someone you trust: “I’m frightened at home. Can I call you tonight?” If safe, agree on a signal and what the person will do when they receive it. A specialist service can help you consider risks, housing, legal questions and children’s needs.

You do not have to tell the whole story immediately. When talking is difficult, naming the current danger or requesting one specific action can be enough to begin. Choose a means of contact that the person controlling you cannot access.

After prolonged control, even a small independent choice may bring guilt. Discuss decisions with someone who does not pressure you or demand immediate separation. Money, documents, children, housing and the risk of stalking are real circumstances requiring preparation.

“What support do I need for the next step?” often brings more clarity than demanding that you finally become decisive. The speed at which you leave does not determine your dignity.

Looking back, it is easy to ask: “Why didn’t I notice earlier?” There may initially have been closeness, support and promises, while control increased gradually. You have a right to understand your experience without having to excuse the person who caused harm.

Written notes may help you recall events and prepare questions for a consultation. Make them only where keeping them is genuinely safe for you. The EQ Emotions Diary can support self-observation; it is not secure storage or a substitute for a safety plan. If any written record increases risk, choose a conversation without it.

A New Year promise can be simple: this time, I will try to find someone with whom I do not have to pretend everything is fine. Further decisions can be prepared with support.

Stephanie Sarkis on Healing from Toxic Relationships. The Hotline: creating an individual safety plan.