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What is self-gaslighting?
Gaslighting is usually called a situation in which a person actively denies reality, thereby making the interlocutor doubt his own adequacy. This can be done not only by partners, but also by relatives or friends.
It is not easy to recognize this form of psychological violence - moreover, sometimes a person can even gaslight himself without realizing it.
Psychotherapist Mary Jo Rapini talked about what it might look like in reality.
5 signs of self-gaslighting
1. You tend to justify the behavior of others more than your own
According to Rapini, accepting and understanding the reasons for the actions of others is normal, but not when it comes to unpleasant or disrespectful behavior towards you.
2. You constantly doubt your decisions
"If you were raised by parents who constantly pointed out your shortcomings or mistakes, then perhaps you are often afraid to make independent decisions. As a result, you stay in jobs, relationships, and situations that others would leave." If you need constant encouragement, then you should talk to a professional, according to Razini.
3. You are excessively prone to self-criticism
An excess of negativity or pessimism about one's feelings, thoughts and actions limits the potential for both personal and professional growth due to increased fear of taking risks and self-doubt.
4. You often blame yourself for everything
A directed form of gaslighting, often involving self-flagellation. "You tell yourself that if you were more independent, your parents would love you more, or if you were slimmer, exercised better, or worried less, you'd have more friends," explains Rapini. "You believe you are to blame, no matter what negative choices others have made."
5. You doubt your own memories
This often happens to people who have experienced childhood abuse and are later gaslighted—for example, by loved ones who insist that it's okay, even if it's physical abuse. When everyone close to you tells you that nothing terrible happened and it's time to accept it, you start to believe it and feel sorry for yourself for being too sensitive.
How to fight self-gaslighting
Coping with this, Rapini offers four methods.
1. To be aware of what is happening
Start writing down everything that happens and remember whose voice you hear when you experience negative thoughts or feelings to help you understand what or who is causing the self-flagellation.
2. Reformulate negative thoughts into positive attitudes
For example, rewrite one of your negative scripts — replace the thought "I'm not good at building relationships" with "I'm a good listener and help people feel cared for."
3. Focus on introspection
To get the most accurate picture of yourself, start journaling using the free letter technique. Don't come across as mandatory or overly serious—it's more effective to let the words flow, talking about a typical experience you often find yourself in without judgment. Do not edit or control your words.
4. Ground yourself
Most often, do what relaxes you and brings joy, especially in critical moments. Remember that you cannot fix the past, but you can still control the present.
"Recognize the importance of what you are doing and remind yourself that your past does not depend on who you are today," advises the psychotherapist. Rapini also reminds: gaslighting by someone who is supposed to love you is a terrible form of violence, but to continue this violence by resorting to self-gaslighting is not a way out of a difficult situation, but only makes it worse.
Self-checking does not require self-erasure
Self-gaslighting describes a habit of dismissing one's feelings, memory, or perception with phrases such as “I made it all up” or “I have no right to react.” It is not a diagnosis. Healthy checking keeps several possibilities open: memory may be imperfect, the feeling is still real, and facts can be clarified without self-humiliation. Record the event, exact known words, bodily response, interpretation, and what remains unknown. This restores support without assuming you are always right.
A relevant tool
Editorial illustration for this article
CBT SHIFT helps separate the event, automatic conclusion, evidence, and a more balanced account without dismissing the experience.
Product photo: CBT SHIFT