Acting on Emotions: How to Notice Your Reactions

Your manager writes, “Come in. We need to talk,” and offers no explanation. The meeting is still half an hour away, but you are already recalling mistakes and imagining dismissal. Your hands remain on the keyboard while very little work gets done. Every few minutes, you want to check whether another message has arrived.

Someone else might feel angry about the uncertainty, while a third person would immediately ask what the meeting is about. The message is the same; expectations, experience and reactions differ. Even your own response can change with the kind of day you have had and what has already happened between you and your manager.

Observing emotions begins with small episodes like these. Gradually, you can notice the words that affected you, your interpretation, a bodily response and an action. This offers material for reflection rather than a way of giving yourself or someone else a psychological diagnosis.

You began speaking louder, clenched your jaw, felt hot or wanted to leave the room. These observations help describe an experience, but a single bodily signal cannot provide a ready-made name for an emotion or explain its cause. Tension can accompany fear, anger or an effort to hold back tears. Your own experience may take time to recognise too.

An approximate but honest description is enough to begin: “Something got to me. I started speaking faster and decided I wasn’t being respected.” Sensation, behaviour and interpretation are already becoming visible. You can return to the emotion’s name later. Was it hurt at being interrupted, anxiety about being evaluated or irritation with being rushed?

There is no need to force a perfect answer. Look for a detail that influenced what you did next. Perhaps you went silent after thinking, “Nobody wants my explanation anyway.” That thought is worth checking, even though the feeling itself was entirely real.

Return to the manager’s invitation. So far, the fact is that they asked you to come in without giving a subject. “I’m going to be dismissed” is a prediction. Previous events may inform it, but the message alone cannot confirm it.

A next action could be to ask, “Could you tell me what the meeting is about and whether I should prepare anything?” The answer brings new information. If the manager does not reply, uncertainty remains. You could then prepare a brief update on current work and decide what to do before the meeting. Checking your thinking does not require you to dismiss every worry as groundless.

If there have already been threats of dismissal or specific concerns about your work, include them in the account. Distinguishing facts from interpretations means seeing the situation more accurately, including its unpleasant parts. Sometimes the next step is clarification; sometimes it is preparing documents or seeking support.

Paul Ekman studied facial expressions and described families of emotions. In his explanation of the Othello error, he points to an important distinction: noticing fear does not tell you what caused it. An innocent person may fear being disbelieved just as a guilty person may fear being found out.

“You’re looking away, so you’re lying” therefore substitutes a conclusion for an investigation. If something in an account does not fit, ask about that specific inconsistency: “Yesterday we agreed on Friday, and now you’re saying Thursday. What changed?” This gives someone an opportunity to explain their words instead of defending themselves against a verdict already reached.

In the same article, Ekman discusses individual differences. Pauses, indirect speech or movements may be habitual for a particular person. Caution also applies in the other direction. A calm voice does not prove that everything being said is true; the account’s content and the person’s actions still matter.

During a conversation, you hear, “You forgot again.” You immediately want to list everything your partner forgets. If you notice that moment, you could ask, “Are you talking about paying the bill?” Or say, “I’m starting to respond sharply. I need a few minutes, and then let’s come back to the bill.”

A pause is more useful when both people know what they will return to. Unexplained silence can feel like being ignored. If you could not stop and a sharp reply has already escaped, there is still an opportunity to repair your action: “I raised my voice. I want to say that more calmly and hear what happened with the payment.”

Understanding your irritation does not remove its effect on someone else. You can acknowledge tiredness, apologise for shouting and discuss ways to remind each other about tasks without generalisations such as “you always.” Where threats or violence are involved, safety takes priority. Ordinary advice to pause a conversation cannot replace protection and support.

When you have time, briefly write down the situation, your interpretation, feelings and action. Add a response you would like to try next time. The EQ Emotions Diary offers questions for self-observation; keep the amount of writing manageable. You do not need to reconstruct the entire day or discover one deep cause behind every reaction.

For example: “I was interrupted twice during the meeting. I decided my opinion was unwanted, felt angry and went quiet. Next time I want to say, ‘Please let me finish my explanation.’” It can help to add what you needed in that episode: time to finish speaking, a clear decision or room to disagree.

Later, check what happened when you tried your chosen response. Could you say it? Were you heard? If not, what got in the way: the intensity of your feelings, interruptions, limited authority or a meeting rule that needs to change collectively? An entry becomes more useful when it makes room for both your response and the conditions around it.

Several entries may reveal one recurring detail. Difficult conversations happen late at night, tasks arrive without deadlines or meetings involve constant interruptions. A concrete next step becomes possible: move the conversation, clarify a deadline before starting work or agree on turns to speak.

Choose one change and see what it does. Progress might be a shorter argument, a message that asks for clarification or returning to a conversation after a pause. The emotion does not have to disappear. Over time, you may sometimes notice the important moment sooner and respond more precisely.

If writing only increases self-criticism, shorten the entry to a few lines or discuss a difficult episode with a professional. Reflection is useful when it helps you find workable decisions. On one evening, that might mean asking a clarifying question. On another, it may mean resting and returning to the issue tomorrow.