Egocentrism vs. Love: Relationship Insights from Two Steiners

"Live for yourself," "defend your boundaries," "you owe nothing to anyone." This message echoes everywhere. Modern culture has swung the pendulum from the sacrificial altruism of our grandmothers ("everything for others") to a sometimes cynical egocentrism ("the most important thing is me").

Psychologists warn: this path leads to loneliness and a loss of empathy. But where is the "golden mean"? Should we change for the sake of a partner, or is that a betrayal of oneself?

Let's try to find the answer by combining the wisdom of two prominent thinkers with the same surname but different approaches: Rudolf Steiner (founder of Anthroposophy) and Claude Steiner (a classic of Transactional Analysis and author of the concept "Emotional Literacy").

The modern trend toward "radical selfishness" is often presented as strength. But both Steiners see it as weakness and illness.

Claude Steiner’s View: The Stroke Economy For Claude Steiner, selfishness is a consequence of fear. He introduced the concept of the "Stroke Economy." Since childhood, we are taught that love (attention, warmth) is a limited resource.

Rudolf Steiner’s View: Ahrimanic Hardening Rudolf Steiner looks deeper, at the level of the soul. He called the state of being locked within oneself "Ahrimanic influence."

We often think there are only two choices: dissolve into the partner or be a cold egoist.

Claude Steiner explains this through the Drama Triangle. The old type of relationship, where it's "everything for the family" without regard for oneself, is the role of the Rescuer. But the Rescuer inevitably gets tired and turns into the Victim ("I gave you everything, and you are ungrateful"). The egocentric person often plays the role of the Persecutor. Both positions are games where there is no intimacy.

Rudolf Steiner describes this as a struggle between two forces:

It is often said: "Accept me as I am." But is it possible to build a relationship without change?

Spiritual Catharsis (Rudolf) For Rudolf Steiner, love is a cognitive act. I truly "see" the other only when I tame my egoism. Changing for a loved one because they are in pain is not humiliation; it is the work of the "I" upon the soul. It is the transformation of animal instincts into human virtues. It is evolution: from "I want" to "I love."

Emotional Responsibility (Claude) Claude Steiner offers a specific tool—Responsibility.

How not to lose oneself, yet not remain alone?

The secret lies in combining the strength of the Spirit and the wisdom of the Heart.

Healthy relationships are a dance of two free people who are strong enough to be vulnerable and loving enough to compromise their egoism for the sake of a shared "We."

Try performing one Emotionally Literate Transaction (according to Claude Steiner) this evening: Ask a partner or loved one: "Have I done anything lately that hurt or upset you? I want to know because you are important to me." Listen to the answer without making excuses, simply accepting the other's feelings. This is a small step from egocentrism to Love.