Emotional Racket: Stop Collecting Stamps

Have you ever noticed something strange about yourself? For instance, your boss is being blatantly rude, and instead of snapping back (or at least coldly putting them in their place), you start... smiling? Or conversely: your partner prepares a romantic dinner, but you are overcome by an inexplicable gloom and just want to hide under the covers? Congratulations, you haven't gone crazy. Welcome to the world of Transactional Analysis, where we play games without even knowing the rules and engage in the most common type of fraud — emotional racketeering.

Let's figure out what this "beast" is and why we ruin our own lives. Imagine your psyche is a huge business center. Inside, there is a "Department of Authenticity" where genuine feelings are issued. There are only four of them, and they work like a Swiss watch, solving specific "here and now" problems. Anger is needed to protect boundaries (it's your immune system). Fear is your bodyguard, warning of future danger. Sadness is the disposal department, helping to process loss and let go of the past. And Joy is the "all clear" signal, meaning you can relax. If you feel an authentic emotion and express it, it disappears. Phew, moving on.

But there is a catch. In childhood, for many of us, the "managers" (read: parents) cut off funding for certain departments. For example, boys are often told: "Don't cry, be a man!", blocking the Department of Sadness and Fear. Girls are forbidden from Anger: "You're a lady, don't get mad." So what does a cunning child's psyche do to survive and get its portion of love? It opens a shadow accounting department — the Racket System.

And here begins the most interesting part — stamp collecting. Eric Berne, compared our lives to a supermarket where bonus stamps are given for purchases. Only we don't collect for frying pans, but for the right to explode. Imagine: someone steps on your foot, you stay silent, but you paste a "brown stamp" (a crap-stamp of resentment) into your imaginary album. The boss yelled — another page filled. Husband forgot to buy bread — another one.

Why do we do this? To trade them in later for a "prize" without guilt! The exchange rate in this tragicomic store is as follows: for one filled page of grievances, you get the right to a small scandal, a headache, or a "legal" day in bed. For several pages, you can "buy" a drinking binge, quitting your job suddenly, or a loud affair. And if you are a patient person and have collected a full album (Grand Prix), you get the right to something grandiose and terrible: murder, suicide, or complete madness. And most importantly — with a clear conscience: "Look what you made me do!".   

This system works like a closed loop, which Richard Erskine called the Script System. It all starts with deep-seated beliefs like "I am unimportant" or "People cannot be trusted." These "lenses" force us to ignore reality. For example, if you believe you are a loser, you will subconsciously be late for important meetings (script behavior), get "in trouble" (reinforcing experience), and triumphantly tell yourself: "See, I told you so!". The body is also in the game: tight shoulders, gastritis, or eternal migraines are often just the physical warehouse of your unexpressed emotions.   

So how do you get out of this casino where you always lose? The answer is simple and complex at the same time: Emotional Literacy. Claude Steiner developed a whole ladder to climb up. At the very bottom is the level of "Numbness". This is 0% awareness. A person says "I feel nothing," even when a fire is burning around them. A little higher is the "Body Level". There are no emotions yet, but there is psychosomatics: a stab here, pressure there, stomach churning. The body screams for you. Next comes "Chaos" — a storm covers you, you know you feel "off," "shaky," but what it is remains unclear.

The breakthrough comes at the level of the "Linguistic Barrier". It is the magic of calling the demon by its name: "I am angry," "I am scared." As soon as you say it in words, the chaos becomes structured. The next step is "Differentiation", when you distinguish shades (it's not just anger, it's irritation) and intensity. Then — "Causality": you understand that you are yelling at your husband not because of scattered socks, but because his tone reminded you of your dad. And the pinnacle of mastery is "Empathy" and "Interactivity" (100%), when you feel the other person as yourself and build relationships on love, not power.   

Becoming emotionally literate isn't just about reading an article. It's training, like in a gym, only you are pumping the "muscle" of the heart. You need to learn three things. First, open your heart: learn to give and, even harder, receive compliments (strokes) without looking for a catch. Second, survey reality: stop playing telepath. If it seems to you that someone looked at you askance, ask directly: "I have a fantasy that you are angry. Is this true?". And third, take responsibility: if you messed up — apologize, but truly, with restitution, not a formal "sorry".   

Sounds like a lot of work? It is. But the good news is that the tools for this already exist. To stop acting on autopilot and start tracking your states, self-reflection practices are ideal. The(https://mriya.run/en) platform gathers exactly such tools for conscious living. And for those ready to turn theory into practice, there is a special(https://mriya.run/en/product/diary/sodennik-emocij-eq-emocijnij-intelekt). It's like a personal trainer that will help you go from "what is happening to me?" to a full understanding of your emotional nature in 4 weeks. It contains 28 questions for deep analysis — just enough to clear out the piles of your "brown stamps" and throw them into the trash can of history.

Remember: a "scripted" life is when you live the way a scared little child inside you decided many years ago. Emotional literacy gives you the control panel of an adult. Stop playing games. It's time to become the Author.