Emotional Intelligence and Transactional Analysis

A colleague says, “Thank you. You explained the difficult part to the client really clearly.” Maryna is already opening her mouth to say, “Oh, it was nothing.” She spent an evening preparing, yet acknowledging that aloud somehow feels awkward. An hour later, she checks the work chat again. Has anyone else noticed that the meeting went well?

Attention was offered, but the sense of being seen has not stayed with her. Sometimes we brush off thanks, feel embarrassed to ask for support and still notice its absence painfully. Transactional analysis offers concepts for looking at that experience: what response am I seeking, what do I receive and how do I respond to it?

In its overview of TA concepts, the International Transactional Analysis Association describes a stroke as a unit of interpersonal recognition. Being noticed can feel supportive or painful. This is a concept within a model for considering exchanges of attention, rather than a way to judge a whole person from one remark.

“I saw how much preparation you did, thank you” and “At last you’ve done something properly” both refer to your work, but leave different experiences. The second mixes praise with belittlement. You could ask what the person wanted to acknowledge or say that this way of expressing thanks feels unpleasant to you.

Physical touch does not automatically become support because someone intended it kindly. One person wants a hug, another needs words and another wants practical help finishing a task. Being able to agree, decline and name the contact you want matters more than a ready-made list of supposedly correct ways to show attention.

Andrii sees dishes in the sink one evening and snaps, “You don’t care that I’ve been working all day.” His partner replies about her own day, and the argument grows. Within minutes they are revisiting old grievances, although they began with plates.

Later, Andrii notices that he really does need help with the dishes, and he also wanted to talk about a difficult conversation at work. Both can be true. He could say, “I started sharply and blamed you. Let’s agree on the kitchen. I also need to talk about work today. Would you be able to listen after dinner?”

This explanation does not prove that loneliness hides behind every argument. A genuinely unequal distribution of tasks may be causing dissatisfaction. Check both levels: what needs to change at home and what kind of contact you have not yet requested directly. Humiliation or threats do not have to be accepted as the price of attention.

TA uses the concept of familiar substitute, or “racket,” feelings. Fanita English considered how learned ways of expressing feelings can conceal other experiences. The term need not mean someone is consciously pretending. For reflection, it offers a reason to examine repetition rather than expose yourself as fraudulent.

Instead of concluding, “My anger is fake,” you could ask, “What exactly made me angry? What do I need now? Is fear, hurt or sadness present too?” Sometimes the answer confirms anger about a broken agreement. Sometimes it reveals difficulty admitting uncertainty and asking someone to stay with you.

Give another person the same room to describe their experience. “You aren’t angry, you’re just scared” can become another way of refusing to hear them. Try asking, “What is hardest for you in this situation?” A conversation brings more information when the answer has not already been assigned.

The filter image is useful when it helps separate an event, your interpretation and a possible action. A friend has not answered your message by evening. The event is the missing reply; “I don’t matter to them” is an assumption. You could wait, clarify an urgent question or later discuss how you both prefer to stay in touch.

Repeated disregard for agreements is also worth noticing. The filter should not become a demand to excuse someone every time. Check what evidence supports your conclusion, what you do not yet know and which decision takes your needs and actual circumstances into account.

A phone in this story might offer contact, distraction, work or simply a familiar habit. There is no need to explain every opening of a chat as one universal hunger for attention. Look at a particular evening: what did you hope the screen would provide, and did you receive it?

The EQ Emotions Diary has four thematic sections on fear, anger, sadness and joy, together with a 28-day programme. That is a proposed working structure rather than a deadline by which someone must change familiar reactions. Begin with one episode and a few relevant questions if that is manageable.

Maryna writes down her colleague’s words, her automatic reply and what she wanted: “I wanted my preparation to be noticed, but immediately dismissed it myself.” Next time, she plans to try, “Thank you. I did prepare for it. I’m glad it helped.” She does not have to pretend that accepting praise already feels easy. Trying a different response is enough.

After the next meeting, she can add what happened: what she managed to say, which feelings arose and whether accepting support felt any easier. An unpleasant response from the other person also belongs in the account. A diary provides a form for observation, while the quality of contact depends on both people’s participation.

The Gratitude Diary can hold one specific moment: who helped, what they did and why it mattered. “My colleague covered for me for half an hour, so I could eat lunch” offers more personal experience than a demand to find plenty of reasons to feel grateful.

If you wish, add your contribution. You asked for help, arranged cover or completed work you found difficult. This is not a competition with other people’s achievements. Pride does not have to appear immediately; sometimes it is enough to stop erasing what you have done from your own account.

Gratitude does not create an obligation to tolerate unacceptable behaviour either. You can value someone’s support and discuss their harsh words. A good episode does not cancel a bad one, just as a difficult day does not make everything you received meaningless. Both parts of the experience can remain on the page.

For the coming week, choose one thing: accept thanks without dismissing it, ask for a conversation or name the help you need. Then notice the response and decide whether you want to try again with this person and in this format.

The image of an emotional diet invites you to consider which kinds of attention fill your life and which are missing. It does not determine your worth or promise happiness after the correct set of entries. What becomes more important is being able to say precisely, “I appreciate that,” “Please don’t treat me that way,” or “I need support right now.”