Why a person or relationship can seem perfect and then worthless, how this cycle develops, and what helps restore a more nuanced view.
This material is for informational and educational purposes only and is not medical, psychological, or psychotherapeutic advice. If you are experiencing an acute psychological condition or need professional support, please contact a doctor, psychologist, psychotherapist, or crisis service.
From Pedestal to Abyss: The Anatomy of Primitive Idealization and Devaluation
All of us, at least once in our lives, have faced a situation where someone seemed absolutely perfect to us, and then—after the slightest mistake—turned into the biggest disappointment of our lives. This psychological phenomenon is known as primitive idealization and devaluation. To understand why adults are sometimes prone to putting others on a pedestal only to ruthlessly knock them down later, we need to look back into early childhood.
The Illusion of Omnipotence: The Childhood Roots of Idealization
According to the thesis of the prominent psychoanalyst Sándor Ferenczi, in the process of development, a person goes through a gradual replacement of primitive fantasies about their own omnipotence with fantasies about the omnipotence of their caregiver.
Anyone can observe how fervently a toddler wants to believe that mom or dad can protect them from all life's dangers. As we grow older, we often forget how terrifying our first encounter with the realities of this world was: human hostility, susceptibility to illness, failure, death, and other horrors (Brenner, 1982).
Defense Mechanism: One of the ways the child's psyche protects itself from these overwhelming fears is the blind belief that there is some benevolent, omnipotent force guaranteeing absolute protection.
The conviction of young children in the superhuman abilities of their parents is both a great blessing and a burden of parenthood.
- The Blessing: There is an undeniable advantage in the healing power of our magical kisses on children's "boo-boos." It is hard to find anything more touching than the unconditional, loving trust of a toddler.
- The Burden: In other instances, this belief provokes barely controlled irritation in parents. For example, when a 2.5-year-old throws a full-blown tantrum, demanding that mom "stop the rain" because they want to go swimming. The child genuinely does not understand how their omnipotent parents cannot control the weather.
Additional Example: Remember the childhood belief that dad can defeat any monster under the bed, and mom knows the answers to all the questions in the world. This illusion is a vital psychological cocoon for an immature psyche.
Normal Idealization and Separation
We are all prone to idealization. We carry within us the remnants of a need to attribute special virtues and power to people on whom we emotionally depend. In general, normal idealization is an essential component of mature love (Bergmann, 1987).
However, growing up inevitably involves a stage of de-idealization (devaluation) of those to whom we had childhood attachments. This is a normal and critical part of the separation-individuation process.
- Why is this important? No 18-year-old would voluntarily leave home for adult life if they considered their parental home a much better and safer place than where they are heading. They need to find flaws in their parents to find the strength to separate.
The Trap for Adults: When Defense Becomes Pathology
In some people, the need to idealize remains more or less unchanged since childhood. In fact, the desire to believe that the people who rule the world (leaders, doctors, partners) are wiser and more powerful than ordinary, fallible mortals continues to live within them.
Their behavior reveals signs of archaic, desperate efforts to counter internal panic and terror with the certainty that someone to whom they are attached is:
- Omnipotent;
- Omniscient;
- Infinitely benevolent toward them.
Psychological merging with this "supernatural Other" gives them a sense of absolute security and frees them from profound internal shame.
How it manifests in real life:
Religion and Cults
Seeking an omnipotent being or an infallible guru.
The tragedy in Guyana (1978): over 900 people voluntarily drank cyanide. They preferred suicide over accepting the fact that their leader Jim Jones was a weak manipulator, not a deity.
Medicine
The greater the vulnerability, the stronger the idealization of the doctor.
Women during pregnancy (a terrifying encounter with their own vulnerability) often state completely seriously that their gynecologist is "wonderful" and "the best in the world."
Politics / Career
The belief that the government is incapable of making mistakes, and the company/school is perfect.
A voter who fanatically believes that a new politician will single-handedly solve all the complex economic problems of the country in one day.
Narcissism: The Pursuit of Perfection as the Meaning of Life
If a person builds their life in such a way that they seem to want to rank all aspects of human existence according to their "value" (discarding imperfect alternatives), we view them as a narcissistic personality.
The psychology of narcissism is based precisely on reliance on defense in the form of primitive idealization. A person is motivated by the search for perfection in two ways:
- Through merging with idealized objects (a prestigious job, a perfect partner, branded items).
- Through continuous, neurotic improvement of their own "Self."
Their need to constantly be reassured of their attractiveness, power, and popularity is driven precisely by this. The self-esteem of such people is catastrophically distorted by the idea that you can only love yourself if you are perfect.
The Inevitable Collapse: Primitive Devaluation
Primitive devaluation is the inevitable flip side of the need for idealization. Since there is nothing perfect in real human life, archaic paths always lead to harsh disappointment.
The Golden Rule: The more strongly an object is idealized, the more radical the devaluation that awaits it. The greater the illusion, the more painful its collapse.
Examples of devaluation in practice:
- In Psychotherapy: Therapists often talk about the "crash" that occurs with narcissistic patients. A patient may genuinely believe their therapist can "walk on water," but when it turns out the psychologist is an ordinary person (might be a minute late or get sick), the working alliance collapses instantly and scandalously. As J. Waihlp (1992) notes, the role of the idealized object heavily constrains the therapist, tempting them to deny their own ignorance and demanding nothing but the highest results from themselves. You are put on a pedestal only to be painfully thrown off it later.
- In Medicine and Law: A husband who blindly believed his wife's oncologist was the only genius capable of curing her is highly likely to sue the doctor if the illness ultimately prevails. He will not be able to accept the limits of medicine; it will be easier for him to believe that "god turned out to be a fraud."
- In Personal Relationships: Some people spend their whole lives replacing one intimate relationship with another in repeated cycles of idealization and devaluation (so-called "serial monogamy"). Every time, a new partner is perceived as an unattainable ideal, "the one." But the moment this person shows ordinary human weakness—leaves dirty dishes, makes a bad joke, or gets sick—they are instantly labeled as "toxic" or "worthless," and the cycle of searching for the ideal begins again.
Conclusion
The modification of the defense of primitive idealization and the formation of the ability to accept people with all their flaws is a legitimate goal of any long-term psychotherapy. In working with narcissistic patients, this is especially relevant, as these emotional swings (from blind adoration to fierce hatred) have a massive destructive effect not only on their own lives but also on the lives of those who genuinely try to love them. Maturity comes when we are capable of loving another person not for their "omnipotence," but precisely for their humanity.
Insight from MriyaRun:
Overcoming the cycle of idealization and devaluation requires the conscious development of emotional literacy. MriyaRun offers psychological self-therapeutic tools designed to help you bridge the gap between theory and practice. Understanding your deepest reactions, safely processing complex feelings (such as anger), and working with your internal states allow you to stop the exhausting search for the "perfect other" and ultimately build a solid foundation within yourself.
Find your tool for self-exploration: MriyaRun Catalog
Idealization and devaluation are not a diagnosis
A sharp shift from admiration to total dismissal may protect against disappointment, shame, or dependency fears. Instead of using a narcissism label, examine repetition, accountability, capacity for complexity, and respect for boundaries. CBT SHIFT separates facts from global conclusions.
- MriyaRun: Journals, MAC Cards and Self-Reflection
- Self-Discovery
- Idealization and Devaluation: Understanding Extreme Judgments