Marriage and the Oedipus Complex: Karen Horney's Analysis

We are used to thinking of marriage as a conscious union of two adults built on shared values and love. However, psychoanalysis, particularly the works of the renowned researcher Karen Horney in "The Psychology of Woman," offers a different, much deeper perspective. Often, there are not two people in the marital bed, but four: the husband, the wife, and the shadows of their parents.

This article will help you understand why passion fades even in the happiest couples, what really hides behind jealousy, and how to save relationships through self-knowledge.

According to the psychoanalytic view, our desire to marry is often dictated not so much by logical choice as by an attempt to realize childhood dreams. We enter marriage with an unconscious expectation that the partner will fulfill our old wishes rooted in the Oedipal situation of our childhood.

In fact, we are looking for an idealized father or mother. We strive to possess them exclusively, just as we wanted in childhood. But here lies the main drama: the real partner is always just a substitute. No person can fully correspond to the fantasy we have cherished for years. Therefore, disappointment in marriage is not an accident, but a pattern faced by everyone who has not worked through their childhood fixations.

You may have noticed how often in long-term and warm marriages, fervent passion is replaced by "familial" tenderness. Karen Horney gives this an unexpected explanation. The happier the marriage and the more the partner reminds us of a beloved parent (providing safety, care), the stronger the ancient, archaic incest taboo kicks in.

Our unconscious perceives the partner as a relative. An internal block triggers: "This is your family, like mom or dad; sex has no place here." As a result, direct sexual goals give way to attachment. We begin to love the partner but lose sexual attraction to them.

We are used to considering jealousy a sign of strong love. But depth psychology argues that the demand for monogamy is often based on more primitive instincts:

Men often demand fidelity more aggressively not because of the depth of their feelings, but because of social prestige and the fear of appearing weak in the eyes of society.

The analytical view of marriage may seem harsh, but it is liberating. Understanding that we project parental images onto our partner lowers the intensity of our demands. Your partner is not your mother, and they are not obligated to heal your childhood traumas.

To build healthy relationships, it is necessary to separate the real person next to you from your childhood fantasies. This requires the development of emotional intelligence and a clear understanding of one's own psychological boundaries.

It is for such self-work, analysis of one's own feelings, and building mature communication that the tools of the MriyaRun project were created.

Marriage is a complex structure where love is intertwined with the past. Acknowledging this is the first step to true intimacy.