Narcissistic defences: what happens between criticism and a reply

After a presentation, a colleague suggests changing the order of the slides. The comment is small, but inside you hear: “Everyone has seen that I’m incompetent.” You want to snap back, dismiss the colleague or avoid the conversation. This episode offers a way to explore how we protect our sense of worth when an evaluation of work suddenly feels like an evaluation of our entire self.

In psychodynamic approaches, narcissistic defences describe ways of maintaining self-esteem in the face of shame, failure or dependence. This is a language for exploring experience; narcissistic personality disorder is a separate clinical concept requiring professional assessment. One argument or sharp reply cannot establish that diagnosis.

Recognition matters to many of us. Difficulties can begin when praise briefly restores a sense of worth, while criticism removes it altogether. Someone may then focus on how they appear to others and lose sight of the work or relationship itself.

Researchers describe grandiose and vulnerable presentations of narcissism and complex relationships between them. Yet confidence does not necessarily hide shame in every person. In a particular situation, asking about their experience is more useful than inferring inner emptiness from appearance.

From a psychodynamic perspective, early relationships may influence how people maintain self-esteem. A child noticed mainly for achievement or being undemanding may learn to hide disagreement, fatigue and the need for help. Later, meeting expectations can feel easier than discovering what they want themselves.

The idea of a “false self,” associated with Winnicott’s work, offers a way to describe such adaptation. This is one interpretation of experience; personality development involves many factors, and a family’s particular history deserves exploration without a predetermined verdict. The same outward reserve may have different causes.

A new manager initially seems to understand everything. Their first mistake prompts an abrupt reversal: “They don’t know anything.” Idealisation and devaluation may briefly organise complicated feelings, while making it harder to see strengths and limitations together.

Return to specifics: what did the manager do well, where did they make a mistake and how will that affect your work? This middle ground may feel uncomfortable. It nevertheless leaves room to decide about a particular working relationship without revising your entire view of someone after one episode.

A partner takes a long time to reply, and anxiety gives way to “I don’t need anyone anyway.” Sometimes that statement helps avoid disappointment or dependence on contact. Sometimes someone genuinely wants distance. Its meaning becomes clearer when you can examine your experience.

Needing support and having boundaries can coexist. It also matters to recognise the other person as separate, with time, fatigue, wishes and a right to refuse. Their no may hurt, but does not oblige them to keep confirming our worth.

Someone works hard and receives professional recognition, yet feels useless on holiday. Explore the place achievement occupies in their relationship with themselves and what else connects them with life: close relationships, curiosity, everyday tasks or being present without producing a result.

Success can bring pleasure and support self-esteem. Difficulties arise when rest or a mistake seems to remove the right to respect. Discussing particular experiences is more useful here than demanding an immediate abandonment of ambition.

Choose an episode and reconstruct it in sequence: what you heard, how you interpreted it, what you felt physically and what you said. Could you correct a particular mistake while retaining self-respect? If you abruptly dismissed someone, what happened just beforehand?

Consider the support you needed: recognition for work, a clear explanation, closeness or time to respond. What felt frightening to reveal? Which part of yourself were you trying to make flawless? Can you remain an ordinary person with limitations and still consider your experience important? These questions provide material for conversation without counting “signs of a narcissist.”

Humiliation and attempts to forcibly “break defences” usually make conversation harder. Respecting vulnerability remains compatible with a clear boundary around insults, coercion and violence. Understanding someone’s experience can accompany holding them responsible for their actions.

Use the EQ Emotions Diary or a notebook for observations. The MriyaRun catalogue also includes materials on anger and boundaries. These can prompt questions; metaphorical cards offer images for reflection rather than a way to establish a hidden cause of a reaction.

If such episodes repeatedly disrupt work or closeness, professional support provides room to explore them gradually. The focus may include shame, expectations of others and specific responses that leave more room for mutuality.

Weinberg and Ronningstam, 2022: review of narcissistic personality disorder. Routledge: collected perspectives on Winnicott’s true and false self.