This material is for informational and educational purposes only and is not medical, psychological, or psychotherapeutic advice. If you are experiencing an acute psychological condition or need professional support, please contact a doctor, psychologist, psychotherapist, or crisis service.
Trauma: Not what happened to us, but what remained inside
Author: Dmytro Telushko
The word "trauma" is heard often today. Sometimes it is used to describe any unpleasant experience: a difficult conversation, a conflict, a stressful day, or a situation that threw you off balance. But psychological trauma is not just a painful event. It is an internal trace that remains after it: in the nervous system, the body, emotions, self-esteem, relationships, and the way of seeing the world.
Addition: From a neurobiological perspective, this is a state where our brain (specifically, the amygdala, which is responsible for the threat response) gets "stuck" in alarm mode, even when the real danger has long passed.
Trauma doesn't begin where "it was hard". It begins where the psyche could not fully live through the experience, react, receive support, and return to a sense of safety. The event passes, but a wound remains inside. Sometimes it is open, sometimes covered by a "scar" - external strength, control, success, or indifference. Such a scar can protect, but it often makes a person less flexible, less alive, and less capable of feeling.
Example: A person may become an incredibly successful professional or entrepreneur, working 16 hours a day. Outwardly, this looks like a huge achievement, but inwardly, it could be a protective "scar" formed by a deep fear of rejection or a desire to prove their worth to parents who never praised them.
That is why trauma can be described as a disconnection: from oneself, one's body, feelings, other people, and the world. A person may continue to work, raise children, build relationships, joke around, and be "normal" on the outside - while simultaneously living with an internal sense of tension, loneliness, or disconnection.
Big and small trauma
When we talk about trauma, we often imagine catastrophic events: war, violence, an accident, a loss, severe neglect, a serious threat to life. This can conventionally be called big trauma. It occurs when something happens to a person that shouldn't have happened, especially if it happened in childhood or in a situation of defenselessness.
But there is another type of traumatic experience - less obvious, but very common. These are not always events that look dramatic from the outside. Sometimes it is what didn't happen, although it should have: the child was not seen, not heard, not supported, not helped to name feelings, not given a sense of safe connection. Parents might have loved them, but been emotionally unavailable. The family might have been "normal", but the child still felt lonely, superfluous, or invisible.
Addition: In psychology, these are often referred to as microtraumas, developmental traumas, or relational traumas. They have a cumulative effect. Drop by drop, these invisible events form a belief in a person that the world is cold, and their needs do not matter.
For example, a child brings home a drawing, and adults do not notice their joy. Once - this might be a normal situation. But if for years their inner world remains without a response, they may internalize: "My feelings are unimportant", "I am not seen", "it's better not to want anything". In adulthood, this can manifest as difficulty asking for support, shame over one's needs, or a feeling that love must be earned.
Example: In romantic relationships, such an adult might be terrified of telling their partner about their own discomfort or desires, agreeing to everything just so as not to be a "burden" and avoid being rejected.
What trauma is not
Not every stress is trauma. A difficult event can be unpleasant, painful, even very exhausting, but leave no traumatic trace if the person has enough support, safety, time to recover, and the opportunity to process emotions.
Explanation: Healthy stress (known as eustress) or even severe distress can be overcome thanks to our natural resilience. We fall, experience the pain, but get back up and move forward without irreversible changes to the psyche.
An experience becomes traumatic when a persistent limitation appears after it: it becomes harder to trust, feel, rest, be in the body, build intimacy, defend boundaries, or believe in one's own worth.
For example, criticism at work can simply be unpleasant. But for a person who was constantly humiliated in childhood, it can activate an old reaction: freeze, make excuses, feel shame, as if their existence is once again in question.
How trauma disconnects from the body
One of the frequent consequences of trauma is disconnection from the body. When the body was a place of pain, fear, or powerlessness, the psyche can "go into the head". A person thinks a lot, analyzes, controls, plans, but has a poor sense of fatigue, hunger, tension, boundaries, or the need for a pause.
Explanation: This mechanism is called dissociation. It's like "turning off" the internal alarm system to avoid hearing the loud siren, even though the fire is still raging.
This can even look like a strength. A person works non-stop, endures more than others, does not give up, does not complain. But inside, this is sometimes not strength, but an old survival method: not feeling, so it doesn't hurt.
For example, a person does not notice they are exhausted until their body "shuts them down" with an illness. Or they do not understand when they need to stop eating, working, or caring for others. The "enough" signal just doesn't seem to get through.
How trauma disconnects from feelings
Feelings exist not to get in our way. They tell us what is safe for us and what is not; where our boundaries are; what we need; what we have lost; what is worth fighting for. Fear mobilizes, anger helps defend, sadness allows us to process loss, joy restores contact with life.
But if it's impossible to escape, fight, or get help in a dangerous situation, the psyche chooses another strategy: muffle the feelings. This is how freezing, numbness, and detachment arise. In the short term, this can save you. In the long term, a person loses access not only to pain, but also to joy, desires, interest, and intimacy.
For example, in childhood, a person learned not to be angry because they were punished for anger. In adulthood, they might say: "I am not conflict-prone at all". But behind this is sometimes not calmness, but a prohibition on one's own boundaries. They agree, endure, smile, and then suddenly explode or pull away.
Example: The classic situation of "passive aggression", when instead of directly expressing their dissatisfaction (because it's scary), a person begins to "accidentally" forget promises, be late, or make sarcastic jokes at their partner.
Another example: a person survived a loss, but "held it together". They didn't cry, supported others, and busied themselves with tasks. Years later, they might not understand why they feel empty inside. Unprocessed feelings do not disappear - they often become the background noise of life.
Awareness - the first step
The first important step in working with trauma is awareness. Not self-blame, not the demand to "pull yourself together", not the attempt to quickly fix everything, but a honest and gentle acknowledgment: something happened to me, and it affected me.
Awareness helps to see the connection between past experiences and present reactions. A person begins to notice: "I am reacting to more than just this situation. Something old is being activated in me". This already creates space between the stimulus and the automatic reaction.
Explanation: In psychotherapy, this space is also called the "window of tolerance", where we retain the ability to consciously choose our behavior, rather than acting on raw instinct (fight/flight/freeze).
For example, a partner didn't reply to a message for a few hours. Outwardly, this could just be busyness. But inside, panic rises: "I have been abandoned", "I am unimportant", "something is about to happen". Awareness allows you to stop and tell yourself: "My reaction is real, but it may be connected to more than just this situation. Perhaps this is an old fear".
Next - acceptance
After awareness comes acceptance. Acceptance doesn't mean agreeing with what happened, justifying those who caused pain, or pretending that everything is fine. Acceptance means acknowledging reality: it happened, it had consequences, and I no longer want to deny my experience.
Here it is very important to separate two things precisely. A person is not responsible for what happened to them if they were in a situation of powerlessness, violence, neglect, or danger. But in adult life, another responsibility emerges - not for the trauma itself, but for how I will walk my path of recovery now.
This is responsibility without guilt. It sounds not like "this is my fault", but rather: "What happened was painful. I did not choose this experience. But today I can gradually learn to take care of myself, seek support, notice my reactions, and choose new ways of acting".
Addition: This is an incredibly important shift from the position of a "victim of circumstance" to the position of the "author of one's own healing."
Modeling a healthy way of reacting
When a person begins to become aware of and accept their experience, the opportunity arises to model a different way of reacting. Not perfect, not instant, not "right forever", but healthier and safer.
The old way might look like this: I am criticized - I freeze, make excuses, feel ashamed, try to please everyone.
The new way might start with a small pause: I notice the tension in my body, I name the feelings, I remind myself that I am no longer a child in a hopeless situation, and I try to respond differently. For example: "I need a little time to think about this", "I am ready to discuss this, but without humiliation", "I hear the feedback, but it doesn't define my worth".
This forms a new experience. The nervous system gradually learns: tension doesn't always mean danger, intimacy doesn't always end in pain, a mistake doesn't mean the loss of love, boundaries can be defended without catastrophe.
Example: If previously criticism from a manager activated the panic of "I am bad and I will be fired", now it is perceived strictly as a work process that can be discussed constructively and calmly.
New experience and new processing
Healing trauma is not just about understanding with your head. Often a person already knows that "it's all in the past", "I am safe", "I am an adult", but the body and emotions react as if the danger is ongoing. Therefore, not only a new conclusion is important, but a new living-through.
Explanation: Psychotherapists call this a "corrective emotional experience." This is when we act in a new way in an old (or similar to the old) situation and unexpectedly receive a safe, positive outcome instead of the anticipated habitual pain.
A new experience can be very simple:
- ask for help and receive support;
- say "no" and see that the relationship wasn't destroyed;
- allow oneself to rest without a sense of guilt;
- name anger and not be afraid of it;
- notice fatigue before the body breaks down;
- choose not to remain silent, but honestly state your boundaries.
Every such experience seems to rewrite the internal script. Not immediately, not all at once, but gradually. Where there used to be only an automatic defense, a choice appears.
How to notice a possible trace of trauma
It's worth paying attention if you often:
- react to ordinary situations as if there is a major threat;
- do not feel your body, fatigue, hunger, or boundaries;
- live in "must" mode, but poorly understand "want";
- are afraid to ask for support;
- devalue your needs;
- quickly freeze, run away, or attack in moments of intimacy;
- are constantly proving your worth;
- cannot feel gratitude, joy, or peace, even when everything is fine on the outside.
Additional signs (from psychologists):
- you are prone to rigid perfectionism, because you subconsciously believe that only your "perfection" guarantees safety and acceptance by others;
- you constantly postpone your life or important tasks until later (chronic procrastination) due to a paralyzing fear of making a mistake and facing judgment.
This is not a diagnosis and not a sentence. These are signals that there might be an old wound inside that is asking for attention.
Practice: 5 minutes of contact with yourself
Try answering a few questions in writing in the evening:
- What triggered me today stronger than I expected?
- What was the body's reaction: tightness, heat, cold, tension, desire to run away?
- What feeling might have been behind the reaction: fear, anger, shame, sadness?
- What defense was activated: pleasing, attacking, freezing, running away, controlling everything?
- What would be a little support for me right now?
- What healthier way of reacting can I try next time?
Example of practice execution:
- Answer 1: A colleague made a minor remark on my report, and I felt strong, disproportionate pain.
- Answer 2: I felt a strong tightness in my chest, heat on my face, and shallow breathing.
- Answer 3: Shame and the fear that I am entirely incompetent.
- Answer 4: The "please and excuse" defense kicked in — I quickly and confusingly started explaining every comma.
- Answer 5: Drink some warm tea, take a deep breath, and remind myself: one mistake in a report does not erase my ten years of experience.
- Answer 6: Next time, simply thank them for their attention to detail, take a pause, and correct the inaccuracy without unnecessary excuses.
If you want to work deeper and more regularly, you can use MriyaRun psychological practicum workbooks: https://mriya.run/catalog/diary.
And when it is difficult to articulate in words exactly what is happening inside, metaphors help. MAC cards can be a gentle way to see an image of your state, fear, defense, or need: https://mriya.run/catalog/mak.
What MriyaRun is for here
Trauma often takes away a person's language about themselves. MriyaRun products help gradually restore this language: through questions, daily entries, images, reflection, gratitude, and contact with the body and feelings.
Practicum workbooks, cards, and self-discovery practices do not replace psychotherapy or medical help, especially if the experience was severe. But they can be a first source of support - a way not to run from yourself, but to return with small steps.
Trauma is not a sign of weakness. It is the way the psyche once tried to survive. And if then the only possible option was not to feel, to freeze, or to disconnect, today you can gradually learn something else: to notice yourself, name feelings, return to the body, restore connection, and build a life not only around defense, but also around aliveness.
Awareness is the first step. Acceptance is the next. And then begins the path of new responsibility: not for what happened, but for how I will navigate this now, what healthier way of reacting I will choose, and what new experience I will allow myself to live through.