This material is for informational and educational purposes only and is not medical, psychological, or psychotherapeutic advice. If you are experiencing an acute psychological condition or need professional support, please contact a doctor, psychologist, psychotherapist, or crisis service.
Why does a person who just yesterday seemed to be the answer to all questions annoying today with the usual habit of being silent, being late or asking for some space? Why does the fear of losing a partner sometimes push not to tenderness, but to control? And why do we sometimes recognize old pain in new relationships, even though we consciously chose a completely different person?
Romantic love begins as the meeting of two people, but very quickly becomes the meeting of several worlds: the real partner, our expectations, early experiences of intimacy, cultural myths and those parts of ourselves that we have not yet learned to notice. The psychoanalytic theories of Carl Jung, Karen Horney, Erich Fromm, and Otto Kernberg offer different languages to describe this complex process. This is not a universal formula and not a way to diagnose a relationship. Rather, optics that help us see: where we really meet the Other, and where we argue with the image created within us.
Two people see each other through the translucent images of their own expectations
Illustration 1. In falling in love, next to a real person, another character often appears - an image of what he should become for us.
The myth of the "other half": a beautiful story and a dangerous expectation
One of the most famous images of romantic culture comes from Aristophanes' speech in Plato's "Banquet". In the myth, the original humans were whole beings who were split in half by Zeus; since then, each part seeks to find the lost one. Plato did not present this story as a scientific explanation of love. This is a philosophical and poetic image of human longing for unity.
The metaphor is attractive because it promises an end to loneliness: somewhere there is a person with whom everything will finally fall into place. At the same time, it can create an excessive burden on the partner. If he's supposed to make us whole, then his individual desires, limits, and imperfections begin to feel almost like a deal breaker.
In a mature relationship, closeness does not cancel separateness. Partners can deeply influence each other, support and build a life together, but neither of them can complete the inner workings of the other. Love creates a connection between two wholes, not glues two halves together into one being.
Projection: when we see a part of our psyche in our partner
Carl Gustav Jung. Source: Wikimedia Commons, public domain.
In the Jungian tradition, projection is the process by which the unconscious inner content is experienced as if it belonged entirely to another person. The classic concepts of anima and animus reflect the gender ideas of Jung's era, so today it is appropriate to read them more broadly: as images of qualities, needs and opportunities with which a person has not yet established a conscious connection.
For example, a restrained person can be extremely fascinated by the freedom and spontaneity of a partner. There is a real vision of his character in this train. However, the power of fascination can also suggest: one's own spontaneity has long been displaced and now returns in the form of admiration for the Other. As long as the projection lasts, the partner appears to be the exclusive bearer of life force. When it weakens, there is disappointment: "You are no longer the one I fell in love with." In fact, not only the person has changed, but the way of seeing him has changed.
Projection doesn't make a feeling fake. At the beginning of a relationship, we always know each other incompletely, and imagination fills in the gaps. The problem arises when the image becomes more important than the living person and we try to make it fit the script.
How to notice your own projection
It is useful to be cautious if:
- the partner very quickly seems flawless or, on the contrary, completely dangerous;
- a separate feature of a person acquires an almost magical meaning;
- you're sure you know exactly her motives, even though you didn't ask;
- disappointment is not caused by a specific act, but by the very fact that the partner turned out to be a separate person;
- the same emotional story is repeated with different partners.
The question here is not "do I design?", because everyone does it to some extent. It is more important to ask: what exactly do I add to the image of the other and what part of myself do I not yet recognize?
Why we repeat early relationship patterns
The first experience of dependence, care, rejection, closeness and boundaries is formed in interaction with adults who took care of us. This experience doesn't write an immutable script for the future, but it creates expectations: whether it's safe to ask how people react to tears, what happens after conflict, or whether it's okay to have your own opinion and still be loved.
In an adult couple, the familiar often feels more convincing than the healthy. A person may consciously not want coldness, control or unpredictability, but unconsciously recognize this kind of closeness more quickly. The psyche seems to say: "I know the rules of this game." Repetition does not always literally copy childhood. Externally, partners may be completely different, but the internal dynamics are familiar: seeking attention, silently enduring, rescuing, proving their worth, or disappearing as soon as the relationship becomes important.
At the same time, not every conflict originates from childhood. The couple is influenced by contemporary circumstances, temperament, uneven workload, financial stress, health, cultural context, and the actual actions of both people. Early experience is one layer of explanation, not a ready verdict.
Dance of approach and distance
Let's imagine Elena and Mark. When Marko falls silent after a hard day, Elena feels anxious and starts asking more questions. For her, talking means reconnecting. Marco perceives insistence as pressure and pulls away even more. His silence increases Elena's anxiety, and her attempts to get closer confirm to Markov that closeness takes away space.
Who is to blame? Looking only at individual actions, it is easy to assign a pursuer and a fugitive. If you see the cycle, it becomes clear: each person's behavior simultaneously protects him and triggers the fear of the other.
Elena can protect herself from feeling abandoned. Marco - from the fear of absorption, criticism or powerlessness. Their task is not to find the "correct" distance once and for all, but to learn to name the need without attacking:
“When you shut up, I'm afraid I'm losing touch. Please tell me how much time you need and when we will get back to talking."
“I want to talk, but I'm overwhelmed right now. I need an hour of silence. I'll be back at eight, and we'll talk it over without the phone."
Thus, the cycle becomes a joint problem of the couple, and not a proof of the bad character of one of the partners.
Partners move in a circle of approach and distance, protecting their own vulnerability
Illustration 2. Behind the argument about attention or freedom are often two vulnerabilities that accidentally reinforce each other.
Karen Horney: When the need for love becomes insatiable
Karen Horney, 1938. Photo by Fredi Crevanna; collection of Renata Horney Patterson. Wikimedia Commons, GFDL.
Karen Horney linked the obsessive need for love and approval to underlying anxiety. In her terms, "neurotic need" does not mean a strong desire for intimacy per se, but a rigid internal demand, without the fulfillment of which a person loses a sense of security and self-worth.
Then love has to be constantly tested. Being late becomes a proof of indifference, a partner's special interest is a rival, a request for space is a refusal. There may be an unspoken condition: "If you really loved me, you would have guessed, refused, sacrificed, always chosen me."
Such demands are often covered by fear and shame. It is difficult for a person to directly say: "I am not sure of my importance now and I need contact." Instead, control, resentment, jealousy or tests of the partner appear. It does not justify psychological or physical abuse. It only helps to understand the mechanism in situations where both partners are capable of safe dialogue.
A useful distinction is:
- need: "Regular contact and agreements are important to me";
- requirement: "You must always be available, otherwise you don't love me";
- boundary: "I will not stay in a relationship where agreements are systematically violated and not discussed";
- control: "I will decide who you talk to so you don't feel anxious."
How love turns into a power struggle
When the real partner ceases to coincide with the projection, the couple enters a difficult phase. Instead of curiosity, there is a temptation to correct the other. One presses, the other resists; one requires frankness, the other hides even more; one proves its irreplaceability by caring, the other defends autonomy by devaluing help.
The struggle is not only for a household solution. Underneath it can be questions: "Whose reality is right?", "Who defines the measure of intimacy?", "Do I have the right to be myself?", "Is my place safe next to you?"
A sign of transition to a more mature interaction is the ability to talk about the process. Not just arguing about where to go on vacation, but noticing, "When we disagree, I start convincing you as if your different opinion threatens our relationship."
Five steps from a projection to a real meeting
The following sequence should be taken as an indicative map inspired by a psychodynamic approach, and not as a proven universal model. Relationships rarely move in equal steps; a couple may return to previous topics many times.
1. Enchantment
The other holds our hopes and fantasies. The differences seem attractive or almost imperceptible. The boundaries between "I" and "we" are becoming thinner.
2. Gap between image and reality
The partner does not fulfill the expected role. Disappointment, fear, and attempts to regain the original feeling through pressure, distance, or self-sacrifice emerge.
3. Revaluation
There is a chance to ask new questions: who is this person beyond my expectations? What is happening between us now? Which needs are compatible and which require negotiation?
4. Returning the projection to oneself
A person recognizes his own contribution to the created image. If I attributed all the strength, freedom, tenderness or wisdom to my partner, can I develop these qualities in my own life? It takes the burden off the other to be our savior or our enemy.
5. Responsibility for internal material
The partner is no longer obliged to live an unlived life for us. We can see him as conflicted—caring and tired, brave and scared, intimate and separate—without destroying the whole image because of one inconsistency.
Erich Fromm: love as ability and practice
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Erich Fromm, 1974. Source and license: Wikimedia Commons.
In The Art of Love, Erich Fromm shifts the focus from the search for the ideal object to the human capacity to love. His thesis is demanding: it is not enough for love to just happen to us. It requires knowledge, discipline, practice and attention - like any art.
Fromm describes four interrelated components of mature love:
- Caring is an active interest in the life and development of another. It differs from rescue in that it does not render the partner helpless.
- Responsibility — readiness to respond to real needs, without appropriating the right to decide for a person.
- Respect is the desire to see how a partner grows according to one's own nature. Without respect, responsibility easily turns into control.
- Knowledge is curiosity about the inner world of another. We cannot respect a person who has been replaced by our own imagination.
These items work well as a check on everyday activities. Does my advice really take into account the wishes of the partner? Does caring leave him with subjectivity? Do I know what he's going through or am I just guessing? Can I hear an answer that doesn't match mine?
Otto Kernberg: Maturity withstands love and aggression
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Otto Kernberg. Photo by David L. Lopez / AcademiadeMedicina, Wikimedia Commons, CC BY 4.0.
Otto Kernberg viewed the romantic couple through object relations theory. For him, it is important how the inner images of oneself and others, formed by past experiences, are activated in the present closeness. Mature love involves the ability to integrate tenderness, sexual desire, affection, ambivalence and aggression without splitting the partner into "perfect" and "terrible".
In practical language, the signs of more mature love can be formulated as follows:
- Interest in the partner's life path need not belittle his development.
- Basic trust and the ability to speak the truth about one's own limitations.
- Forgiveness that does not deny the harm and does not require masochistic patience.
- Modesty and gratitude instead of believing that we owe love.
- Shared values and an image of the future that does not erase individual plans.
- Mature dependence: the ability to accept and give help without a struggle for absolute power.
- The ability to maintain an erotic interest in a real body that changes over time.
- Acknowledgment of jealousy, loss and the need to protect the boundaries of a couple without total control.
- The ability to mourn the loss and preserve the value of the past without forbidding the future.
This is not a "perfect couple" checklist. In a living relationship, mature and protective reactions coexist. More important is the direction: whether the couple is able to return to a more complex, realistic vision of each other after the conflict.
Two separate people grow a shared space without losing their own roots
Illustration 3. Mature intimacy combines autonomy and interdependence: each has its own roots and there is a space that the couple creates together.
What changes when love matures
Falling in love often asks, "What did this person make me feel?" Mature love adds another question: "Who is this person really and how do we affect each other?"
The transition does not mean a loss of passion or a cold rational contract. It means that intensity ceases to be the only proof of love. The ability to endure a pause, to negotiate, to admit aggression without humiliation, to talk about sexuality, to accept help, to repair the connection after a conflict, and to see a partner as more than a function for one's own safety, appears.
Maturity is noticeable in the little things:
- instead of reading thoughts, ask;
- instead of punishing with silence, state the need for a break and the time to return;
- instead of proving love as a sacrifice, agree on mutual participation;
- instead of forbidding jealousy, explore it and at the same time respect the boundaries;
- instead of looking for the culprit, see the cycle that two people create;
- instead of demanding constancy, get to know your partner again.
Self-observation practice: 12 questions
Answer in writing, without trying to find the "right" answer right away.
- What three qualities most fascinate me in a partner? How much do I allow them?
- What do I most often attribute to a partner without direct verification?
- What reaction do I expect when I feel scared, ashamed, or lonely?
- What happened to my needs and disagreements in early intimate relationships?
- What familiar role do I play during a conflict: pursue, withdraw, save, freeze, blame myself?
- What does this role help not to feel?
- What request is hidden behind my claim?
- Where is the line between needing me and trying to control another?
- What responsibility for my own feelings do I unconsciously transfer to my partner?
- Do I support my partner's development when he does not enhance my significance?
- What do we know how to recover after a quarrel, and where does the cycle repeat itself without changes?
- What specific action can I take this week to add more care, responsibility, respect, or knowledge to the relationship?
MriyaRun's Boundary Mistress Diary is a writing practice about needs, responsibilities, and boundaries
For systematic written work, you can use "Diary of the mistress of her borders": it helps to distinguish one's responsibility, needs and boundaries in interaction. If you are closer to a figurative way of thinking, Kazkoterapiia workshop can be a space to explore recurring roles and personal stories. These tools are intended for self-reflection and are not a substitute for psychotherapy or professional help.
Workshop "Fairy Tale Therapy" — study of recurring roles and personal stories
To love a real person
The myth of the other half promises that the right meeting will rid us of internal contradictions. A psychological perspective offers a more complex and perhaps more human perspective. We fall in love with our story. At first we look through it, then we get disappointed, argue with reality and gradually learn to see.
Mature love does not require a complete absence of projection, jealousy, fear or anger. She needs the ability to notice these experiences, take responsibility for them and not turn the partner into their only regulator. Intimacy then ceases to be a search for the person who will complete us, and becomes a practice of encounter: I remain myself, you remain yourself, and a space emerges between us that we can care for together.
Sources and recommended reading
- Plato. "The Banquet", a speech by Aristophanes, is a myth about divided people as a philosophical metaphor for the desire for wholeness.
- C. G. Jung. Two Essays on Analytical Psychology; Aion: Researches into the Phenomenology of the Self is about projection and unconscious images in relationships.
- Karen Horney. The Neurotic Personality of Our Time. Routledge: description and table of contents.
- Erich Fromm. The Art of Loving is about love as a capacity and practice that includes care, responsibility, respect and knowledge.
- Otto F. Kernberg. Love Relations: Normality and Pathology. Yale University Press: publication description; JSTOR mature sexual love section.
The material is educational in nature. It is not intended for self-diagnosis. If there is violence, threats, coercion or danger in the relationship, talking together is not a substitute for seeking specialist help and safety planning.