What Do Thoughts Smell Like? Emotions and Relationships

The “smell of thoughts” is a metaphor for how our state comes through in conversation. We clarify someone’s thoughts and intentions by talking, rather than identifying them by smell.

Someone enters a room, smiles, and says everything is fine. A few minutes later, they have interrupted three times, pushed a cup aside sharply, and answered more briefly than usual. One person starts speaking quietly; another becomes irritated too. Tension is noticeable before anyone names it.

In everyday language, we might call this a heavy atmosphere. Smell seems an apt image: something kept inside appears to have spread through the room. Look more closely, and there are voices, pacing, pauses, gestures, and our own expectations about what they mean.

In Clara Wilson and colleagues’ study, four trained dogs distinguished human sweat and breath samples collected before and after a stressful task. This was a specific experiment on canine scent discrimination. It does not explain why people like one another or reveal what someone is hiding.

Ordinary observations are more available in daily relationships. You hear a sharp tone, notice someone looking away, or realise they have stopped answering. The reasons may vary. “Are you upset or very tired?” leaves more room for an answer than “I can sense your hostility.”

Sometimes the person has not yet worked out what upset them. They try to talk normally, yet every question sounds like a complaint. Their companion becomes defensive, and soon both are arguing about tone instead of the original event.

Specifics can help: “You answered sharply twice. I started thinking you were angry with me. What is happening?” There may have been a difficult work call, a headache, or genuine resentment about yesterday’s agreement. Now there is a subject you can address.

When things are difficult, you may want someone close to understand without a long explanation. If they do not notice, resentment joins the tiredness: “Must I ask as well?” Hints, tests, and a tally of who has given more can take the place of a conversation.

A direct request makes the situation clearer: “I need ten minutes to talk this through. Can you listen?” The other person may agree or offer a later time. Learning what they can actually give may be disappointing, but their answer provides something you can arrange together.

After a tense conversation, write down a few lines you remember and what you wanted from the other person. Perhaps the request was never spoken. In its place were questions such as “Do you even care?” or “Can you not see for yourself?” Try writing the same need more directly.

You can also notice a warm episode: what did the other person do, and why did it matter? Appreciation of a specific action — “You listened even though it took me a while to find the words” — says more about the relationship than a demand to remain pleasant all the time.

As words, behaviour, and agreements become clearer, less effort goes into guessing. The “scent of thoughts” can remain an image for an impression. The conversation itself belongs to two people gradually learning more about one another.

For more on separating an event from your interpretation, see the article on emotional reactions.