The Power of Identity and the Phenomenon of Anger
(Developmental Stage: Ages 3–6)
This stage covers the ages of 3 to 6 years (based on Pamela Levin’s "Cycles of Power" within Transactional Analysis). It is the time when the child stops being merely an "extension" of the parents and begins to build their own "I". They seek the answer to the fundamental question "Who am I?", become aware of their gender, and learn to influence the world. This is where the life script is formed: the child decides how to be harmonious, how to satisfy needs, how to deal with feelings, and how to think.
1. Developmental Tasks and Importance of the Stage
At this stage, the child actively asks questions ("Why is the sky blue?", "Why am I a boy?"). Key developmental tasks include:
- Deciding "Who am I?": Forming a self-concept.
- Gender Identification: Understanding what it means to be a man or a woman (boy/girl).
- Reality Testing: Checking one's fantasies against the consequences of actions.
- Applying Power: Learning to influence people, manipulating images and concepts.
- Separating Fantasy from Reality: Understanding where imagination ends and the real world begins.
- Internal Reality: Developing the ability to form an internal world and change it.
2. The Role of Anger in the Identity Stage
In the 3–6 year stage, anger plays a critical role: it is the "fuel" for separating from parents and establishing boundaries. Without healthy anger, it is impossible to say "I am Me, and you are You." There are two types of anger: authentic and racket.
Authentic Anger: "The Sword That Defines Boundaries"
Authentic anger is a tool for self-definition and protection. It arises as a reaction to a boundary violation or an obstacle to a goal. It should appear when someone encroaches on physical space or property ("That's my toy," "Don't touch me"), when freedom of action is restricted ("I want to do it myself!"), or when needs are ignored ("Hear me!").
Its purpose is to break the fusion (symbiosis) with parents, feel one's power of influence, and mobilize energy to overcome obstacles.
The main sign of authentic anger: it ends immediately after the situation is resolved. As soon as the boundary is restored or the obstacle is removed (or acknowledged as insurmountable), the anger disappears and does not accumulate.
Racket Anger: "Smoke Hiding Fear or Helplessness"
Racket anger is an emotion that was encouraged in the family instead of other feelings. At the 3–6 year stage, it is often mixed with sexuality or power games. Its signs: it is prolonged (the person sulks for hours), it does not solve the problem but deepens the conflict, and it is aimed at forcing the other person to feel guilt or fear. It is often accompanied by the game "Uproar" (Scandal).
3. Cycle Sabotage: How "Stuckness" Occurs
If the needs of this stage are not met, the person does not complete it successfully, which manifests in two main forms:
A. "Hurry Up" Pattern (Flight into Pseudo-Independence)
The person tries to skip this stage to avoid dependency. A rigid, "dry" identity is formed. The person identifies as someone who "doesn't need others" and keeps a distance.
Consequence: They think in order not to feel. There is a lack of contact with emotions. The person may seem strong and omnipotent, but this is a defense against pain.
B. "Staying Little" Pattern (Fear of Growing Up)
The person is afraid to grow up and take responsibility for their individuality. Sexualization of anger occurs (anger turns into fear or seduction). The person identifies as someone who is "afraid to think."
Consequence: The belief that independence is dangerous and leads to a loss of contact. Manipulation is used instead of direct requests.
4. Practical Examples: Authenticity vs. Racket
Let's look at specific situations characteristic of the 3–6 year age issues (identity, gender, power).
Situation A: Need for Recognition and Attention
- Authentic Anger: "I'm angry because we agreed to spend time together, and you are on your phone. I don't like it. Please put it away, or I will go do my own thing." The situation clears up, energy goes into changing reality.
- Racket Anger (Game "Uproar"): The person starts slamming doors, throwing things, yelling about scattered socks (an excuse, not the cause). The goal is to get negative attention and make the partner feel bad. Anger is used to avoid intimacy, even though contact is what is actually desired.
Situation B: Sexualized Anger
When direct aggression is forbidden, it intertwines with sexuality.
- Authentic Behavior: Sexual interest is expressed through flirtation, anger through direct claims. These are separate things.
- Racket Manifestation ("Seduction" + Aggression):Woman: Is angry at the man but uses a contemptuous look at his genitals or makes humiliating jokes about his virility in public. This is "castration" through hints.Man: Is angry, but instead of talking, dominates roughly in sex or demonstrates impotence as punishment ("You don't turn me on because you...").Mechanism: Anger is not expressed directly but channeled through humiliating the other's identity.
- Woman: Is angry at the man but uses a contemptuous look at his genitals or makes humiliating jokes about his virility in public. This is "castration" through hints.
- Man: Is angry, but instead of talking, dominates roughly in sex or demonstrates impotence as punishment ("You don't turn me on because you...").
- Mechanism: Anger is not expressed directly but channeled through humiliating the other's identity.
Situation C: Competition ("Mine is Better Than Yours")
- Authentic Anger (Competition): "I lost and I am angry! I want a rematch! I will train and beat you!" This is anger that mobilizes for achievement. It ends when the game is over.
- Racket Anger (Envy/Discounting): "You only won because you got lucky. It's unfair!" The person destroys the other's joy to avoid feeling their own inferiority and gets stuck in resentment.
5. Psychological Games of the Fourth Stage
When the tasks of the stage are not resolved, the adult begins to play unconscious games to get attention or hide inadequacy:
- "Mine Is Better Than Yours": A game of comparison and competition. Covering up feelings of inadequacy by demonstrating superiority.
- "Let's You and Him Fight": The person provokes a conflict between two others and then becomes the "indispensable peacemaker" or observer. The goal is to draw attention to oneself.
- "Uproar" (Scandal): Creating noise and problems to avoid real action. Cunning, demanding recognition and love through negative behavior because there is no belief in getting them otherwise.
- "Rapo" (Seduced / Seducer): The person invites a partner into a game, hinting at sex or love, and then unexpectedly switches to another role, leaving the partner looking foolish. Reason: an attempt to get emotional warmth through sexual provocation.
- "Buzz Off, Buster!": First seduction/attraction, then sharp rejection.
- "Cops and Robbers": Committing offenses to get caught. A way to get attention through punishment (negative strokes).
- "Let's Pull a Fast One on Joey": Two people unite against a third. The main theme is temptation and betrayal.
6. Destructive Impact (Symptoms and Psychosomatics)
Getting stuck in the "Power of Identity" stage manifests in physical and psychological conditions:
- Physical Symptoms: Problems with metabolism, energy, hormones. High or low blood pressure, headaches.
- "Broken Heart": Cardiac symptoms are often linked to this stage since the heart is perceived as the center of emotions.
- Psychological State: Feelings of helplessness, constant doubts "Who am I?", a sense of contradiction between different areas of life. Dominance of introjects: "Don't be healthy," "Don't be direct," "Don't love," "Don't be strong." Sharp energy swings from hyperactivity to exhaustion.
7. Healing and Correction
The way out is to reclaim the Power of Identity through re-deciding childhood conclusions.
Steps for Correction:
- Permission to Be Yourself (Affirmations). The person needs to hear and accept:"You can be who you are.""You can find out who you are and still stay connected to us.""Being a boy (or a girl) is good and safe.""You can express your feelings directly, not through manipulation."
- "You can be who you are."
- "You can find out who you are and still stay connected to us."
- "Being a boy (or a girl) is good and safe."
- "You can express your feelings directly, not through manipulation."
- Separating Needs. Learning to distinguish the need for attention, the need for sex, and the need for safety. For example, understanding that it isn't necessary to sexualize behavior to get warmth.
- Work with Body and Identity. Accepting one's gender without fear (for men — overcoming the fear of tenderness; for women — overcoming the fear of strength and intelligence).
- Transforming Anger. Legalization ("You have the right to be angry"), addressing (who is the anger really directed at?), and completion (burning accumulated "stamps" in therapy, not on loved ones).
Example of Solution: Instead of making a scene (game "Uproar") over unwashed dishes, the person says: "I feel anger when I see a mess because comfort is important to me. Please clean it up." This is a direct expression of power without manipulation. The goal is to learn to say "I am," understand one's desires, and influence the world directly.
8. Questions for Self-Reflection and Diagnosis
These questions will help track whether you are acting from an Adult position or "falling" into 3–6-year-old patterns. It is recommended to answer in writing or while observing bodily reactions.
Block 1. Diagnosing Anger (Authenticity vs. Racket)
- When I am angry, what do I ultimately want to achieve: for the problem to disappear (situation change) or for the other person to feel guilt/fear?
- How long do I hold onto anger? Do I express it and forget it in 5 minutes, or do I carry it for days, giving the silent treatment?
- Does it happen that I make a scene (yell, break dishes) when actually I just want to be hugged or noticed?
- Am I really angry at this person for their action, or did they just "get in the line of fire" because they remind me of someone from the past?
Block 2. Power and Psychological Games
- Game "Let's You and Him Fight": Do I notice a desire to butt heads between two people by retelling gossip, and then watch from the sidelines?
- Game "Rapo/Dynamo": Do I use my attractiveness or hints at intimacy to get something, and then sharply "back up" when the person gets close?
- Game "Mine Is Better": How often do I compare myself to others? Do I feel satisfaction when someone fails because then I feel "bigger"?
- Power Strategy: Do I ask for what I need directly, or do I create a situation where others are forced to guess and help me?
Block 3. Identity and Sexuality
- Am I afraid to show my strength, intelligence, or competence because I think people will turn away or consider me "too complicated"?
- Do I believe (deep down) that being a man/woman is dangerous or imposes limitations (e.g., "men don't cry," "women don't get angry")?
- Sexualization of Anger: When I am angry at a partner, do I hit their self-esteem as a man/woman? Do I use the intimate sphere as a tool of punishment (refusal) or a weapon?
Block 4. Cycle Sabotage (Hurry Up or Infantility)
- Pattern "Hurry Up": Is it hard for me to stop and just be? Does it seem that if I stop and feel my emotions, I will fall apart?
- Pattern "Staying Little": Do I often think: "I don't know who I am," "Tell me what to do"? Do I expect someone else to take responsibility for my life?
- Do I often live in fantasies about how my life should be, instead of interacting with reality here and now?
Block 5. Bodily Markers
- Do I often feel chest pain, heart constriction, or "broken heart" symptoms when I conflict or stand up for myself?
- Do I experience sharp energy swings: from hyperactivity to complete exhaustion?
Technique for Working with Answers:
If you discovered "racket" behavior (e.g., a desire to make a scene), do a "freeze-frame." Ask yourself: "I want to play a game right now. What do I really want?" If the honest answer is "attention," the Adult action is to approach and say directly: "I am tired and feel lonely. Please make me some tea and sit with me for 10 minutes."
From Theory to Practice with MriyaRun
Understanding how your identity was shaped between the ages of 3 and 6 is a powerful insight, but real change comes from daily self-work. If you recognized yourself in the descriptions of "racket anger" or games like "Uproar," it is time to take responsibility for your emotional maturity.
You can find tools for safe and deep self-discovery in the MriyaRun catalog. Specialized psychological diaries and metaphorical cards will help you process emotions ecologically, track automatic reactions, and build a mature, authentic personality. Start the journey to your true Self today.
Specialized psychological diaries