Anger and Boundaries: How to Notice the Signal

Hello. I want to be as honest as possible with you from the very beginning. I have written a book about personal boundaries, and very soon you will be introduced to this work on anger, which is deeply important to me.

But do I have a "magical immunity" from these issues? Does an aura of calm glow around me, repelling life's crises? Not at all. I fall into the same situations as most people. We live in a world where people will play power games with us, impose their projections, and violate our boundaries. The only difference is that now I understand the anatomy of these processes and have a choice in how to live through them.

The knowledge I share in this book is not just theory. It is what literally saved me from burnout and depression quite recently, when I faced a harsh violation of my boundaries within a professional community.

Consider one mechanism: a child faces hurt or humiliation but expects punishment for disagreeing. The child reads their anger as a threat to the relationship, conceals it and gradually directs criticism towards themselves. In the short term this helps avoid open conflict, while the need for protection remains unmet. The prohibition on feeling sustains this particular loop of silence and self-blame.

This perspective is close to questions Alice Miller raises in The Drama of the Gifted Child: what happens to personal feelings when preserving approval matters more than being able to name them? It is an author’s psychological perspective, not a universal explanation for all trauma. Sylvia Plath’s biographical tragedy likewise cannot be explained by one hidden feeling or a demand to appear happy.

There is no inevitable progression from experiencing humiliation to aggression against others. Examine how someone handles their pain: acknowledging it, seeking support or using it to justify cruelty. Physical symptoms require attention to health rather than the conclusion that the body must be “releasing” stored anger. Depression and addictions have complex causes; permission to feel anger is neither immunity nor a stand-alone treatment.

To examine a social response, it helps to distinguish several processes:

Understanding these mechanisms became my lifeline. Before releasing the book, I created a cover mockup where, out of gratitude, I placed the names and photos of my trainers. I sent them the mockup, expecting joy.

Instead, I violated their boundaries. Rather than joy, I received a reproach. I immediately admitted the mistake and agreed to remove everything. It seemed the incident was over. However, the next morning a real storm began: accusations, the severance of professional relations without an attempt to hear my side, and a message: "You don’t exist. Don’t be." I was excluded from all programs by a decision made without my involvement.

The system worked exactly according to the laws I described: instead of "I’m OK – You’re OK" communication, I was met with unprocessed aggression.

If this had happened before, I would have fallen into repetition compulsion. My inner critic would have said: "It’s your fault. Just endure it." I would have spiraled into depression and never released this book.

This time, however, I chose a different path. I made room for my hurt and anger and looked for an action that would protect me without reproducing violence.

I allowed myself to feel anger. I used it as fuel to protect my boundaries. I didn’t stay silent. I turned to the Ethics Committee—not for revenge, but to protect my "inner child." I processed my emotions in therapy, leaned on colleagues for support, and gave my pain a voice.

It worked. Within a few days, I found a new group, finished my project, and felt completely restored. The energy that could have destroyed me was channeled into creation.

We cannot live in a world without violated boundaries. But we can break the cycle of violence if we learn to acknowledge our truth and give our anger the right to exist.

When a mistake becomes the verdict “all of me is wrong”, distinguish responsibility from self-attack through shame. Record in the online diary: what happened; what meaning you gave it; what you felt; which boundary you want to state; what you will do and whom you will ask for support. A response might be a pause, a written request or leaving unsafe contact. Feeling anger and aggressive action are different levels: the experience does not require aggressive action.

One person’s experience of recovery does not set a timetable for others. Depression is not a decision “not to be angry”; biological, psychological and life factors contribute to it. Persistent low mood, loss of interest or difficulty with everyday activities warrant professional assessment. A book and a writing practice can support self-observation, not replace care.

I invite you on this journey—to a world of emotions where anger becomes not your enemy, but your strength.

Order the book and start your journey toward healthy boundaries here: About Emotions. Anger: How to Understand and Live Through It

NIMH: Depression; Alice Miller: The Drama of the Gifted Child.