Why do new relationships resemble old ones? Science and psychology on partner selection scripts. How to break the cycle — read the analysis by MriyaRun.
Why Do We Choose the Same Partners? (Science & Psychology)
Have you ever noticed that new relationships often feel like a remake of an old movie, just with a different actor in the lead role?
Recently, researchers from Canada (University of Toronto) analyzed data from a large-scale German study spanning over 9 years. Participants regularly reported on their partners' personality traits: how open, conscientious, anxious, or tolerant they were.
Scientists discovered a clear pattern: the profiles of ex-partners and new partners matched across 21 indicators.
"Choosing a life partner is far more predictable than we think," the authors state. We tend to "relapse" in our choices.
Exceptions: Who Breaks the System?
Interestingly, extroverts (people open to new experiences) follow rigid templates less often. Their social circle is wider, and their thirst for new impressions pushes them towards experimentation. Introverts and people with high anxiety more often choose a "safe haven" — something familiar, even if that familiarity previously caused pain.
Why Do We Do This? A Deep Dive
Why do we step on the same rake? Here, science meets depth psychology. It's not just a "habit"; it's the work of our unconscious.
1. The "Recognition" Effect (Imprinting and Anima/Animus)
We scan a crowd and filter out the unnecessary in split seconds. In reality, we aren't looking for an ideal; we are looking for the familiar.
In Greek mythology, Eros shot arrows causing instant passion. In analytical psychology, we would say a projection occurred. We see traits of our inner figure (Anima in men or Animus in women) in a stranger, often shaped by the image of our parents.
2. Script Decisions (Transactional Analysis)
We choose a partner who is perfectly suited to play our favorite psychological game with us. If you have a "Rescuer" script, you will subconsciously find a "Victim," even if they look like a successful business person.
Real-Life Examples
- The "Eternal Rescuer" (Script Type): Oksana (35) promised herself she would never get involved with a "problematic" man again. Her ex was a gambler. Her new partner, Igor, is a successful IT specialist. But six months later, it turns out Igor is a workaholic in deep depression, needing Oksana to "pull him out." The scenery changed, but the essence of the game remained: Oksana is "rescuing" again.
- "Emotional Rollercoaster" (Attachment Style): Andrew says he wants warmth. But "calm" women seem boring to him. His "chemistry" only activates with cold, distant women. This is an echo of childhood, where the love of a cold mother had to be earned. He chooses based on a familiar feeling of anxiety, which he mistakes for love.
- The "Star Template" (Visual Type): Leonardo DiCaprio has chosen the identical type for years: tall blonde models under 25. Kate Moss was often drawn to "bad boys" from the creative scene with self-destructive tendencies.
The Parental Trace: Love or Opposition?
Researchers have proven we often choose partners visually similar to our opposite-sex parents. This works if the relationship with parents was warm. We seek a return to childhood safety.
But what if the relationship was traumatic? Then the "Anti" script activates.
Example: Maxim grew up with a domineering, dark-haired mother. He consciously chooses a quiet blonde. But the paradox is that under the "quiet" appearance, the same controlling character is often revealed later. We run from the form but unconsciously seek the familiar content.
The Conclusion
Choosing similar partners is not a sentence, but a diagnosis. Awareness of your "type" gives you a choice: continue acting on the old scheme or try to build a relationship with someone who does not trigger an instant explosion of familiar pain.
MriyaRun Insight
Awareness is 50% of success. Often, we don't see the pattern until we put it on paper. Our psyche protects us from the truth, calling old mistakes "destiny" or "chemistry."
To figure out where your childhood script ends and real choice begins, try analyzing your feelings in writing.
Start your journey to conscious relationships with our MriyaRun Psychological Diaries. They are designed to ask you the right questions.
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