Explore emotional literacy through the lens of Transactional Analysis. Learn the difference between authentic emotions and racket feelings. Includes practical exercises and a therapeutic tale for kids.
Theoretical and Historical Foundations of Emotional Literacy in Transactional Analysis
Evolution of Concepts: From Freud to Berne and Steiner
The understanding of human emotions has undergone a long evolution, transforming from abstract philosophical concepts to applied psychological models. While classical psychoanalysis led by Sigmund Freud focused on internal conflicts between the Id, Ego, and Superego, Eric Berne proposed a revolutionary approach in the mid-20th century that shifted the focus to interpersonal interaction—the transaction. Berne, a student of the psychoanalytic school, sought to create an accessible language for describing complex mental processes, which led to the emergence of the structural model of ego states: Parent, Adult, Child. It was within this model that the concept of emotions acquired new depth, ceasing to be merely a "reaction" and becoming an "instrument" of social adaptation or manipulation.
Claude Steiner, one of Berne's closest followers, developed these ideas into the concept of "emotional literacy." Steiner argued that emotional competence is not an innate gift but a skill that can be trained like reading or writing. He emphasized that emotional literacy makes emotions our allies rather than enemies, allowing us to improve relationships and enhance community life quality. Steiner introduced the concept of the "stroke economy," demonstrating how a deficit of recognition and emotional support leads to toxic behavioral patterns.
Modern TA views emotions as an energy resource necessary for survival and problem-solving. A fundamental postulate is that all emotions have a biological basis and serve specific adaptive goals. Problems arise not from the presence of emotions but from their distortion during socialization, when a child is forced to adjust their natural reactions to the expectations of significant adults, forming the so-called "Life Script."
Four Pillars of Emotional Experience: Authenticity as a Function
At the heart of TA emotional theory lies the assertion of the existence of four basic, or authentic, emotions: Fear, Anger, Sadness, and Joy. These emotions are called authentic because they are innate physiological responses to "here-and-now" stimuli. Unlike secondary, socially constructed feelings, authentic emotions have a clear beginning and end and are always aimed at solving a specific adaptation problem.
Research by George Thomson (1983) and Fanita English (1971) consolidated this four-component model as a standard in TA. Each of these emotions performs an indispensable function:
- Fear ensures survival in the face of a threat.
- Anger mobilizes energy to overcome obstacles.
- Sadness allows for the integration of loss experience and adaptation to change.
- Joy serves as a marker of need satisfaction and safety.
It is important to understand that in the context of TA, the concept of "authenticity" is devoid of moral coloring. Anger is not "bad," and fear is not "shameful." Authenticity is defined by the emotion's correspondence to a real stimulus and its effectiveness in resolving the situation. If an emotion does not lead to problem resolution but only prolongs discomfort, it is classified as a racket feeling.
Neurobiological Correlates of Emotions in TA
Modern research in neurobiology confirms the intuitive insights of early transactional analysts. The work of Wilder Penfield, which Berne relied upon, showed that the brain stores memories not as dry facts but as holistic experiences including visual images, sounds, and emotional states. This explains the mechanism of regression into the Child ego state: a certain trigger in the present (e.g., the smell of perfume or voice intonation) can instantly activate a neural network associated with childhood experience, triggering a flow of archaic emotions.
The limbic system of the brain, responsible for emotional response, develops earlier than the neocortex—the zone of rational thinking. This means that early emotional patterns learned in the pre-verbal period are recorded at a deep level and often act automatically, bypassing the conscious control of the Adult ego state. Therefore, changing emotional scripts requires not only intellectual understanding but also deep emotional processing (reparenting).
Phenomenology and Functionality of Basic Emotions
To distinguish healthy reactions from pathological ones, it is necessary to analyze the nature of each of the four basic emotions, their physiological manifestations, and social functions in detail.
Fear: The Survival Signal System
In TA, fear is viewed as a fundamental reaction to a threat to physical or psychological integrity. In its authentic form, it is short-lived and mobilizing.
- Stimulus and Context: Authentic fear arises in response to real danger in the "here-and-now" moment. It could be a car speeding towards you or aggressive behavior from another person.
- Physiological Mechanism: The amygdala is activated, triggering a cascade of hormonal reactions (release of adrenaline and cortisol). The organism prepares for one of three strategies: "fight," "flight," or "freeze." Breathing accelerates, heart rate increases, and blood drains from digestive organs to muscles.
- Functional Significance: The main goal of fear is life preservation. It sharpens perception, speeds up reaction time, and allows avoiding harm. In a social context, authentic fear prompts a person to seek protection or help, which is healthy behavior.
- Pathological Distortions: If the expression of fear is systematically punished or ridiculed (e.g., the stereotype "men don't fear"), it can transform into counter-phobic behavior—unjustified risk, aggression, or conversely, chronic anxiety that is no longer tied to a real threat.
Anger: Energy of Change and Boundary Setting
Anger is perhaps the most stigmatized emotion, yet in the TA system, it is considered a necessary condition for personal autonomy.
- Stimulus and Context: Anger arises when an obstacle appears on the path to satisfying a need, or when personal boundaries (physical or psychological) are violated.
- Physiological Mechanism: Like fear, anger mobilizes energy. Muscle tone increases, especially in the upper body and arms, which evolutionarily prepares for the physical removal of an obstacle. The face may redden, and the voice becomes louder and firmer.
- Functional Significance: Authentic anger gives the power to say "No," protect oneself or loved ones, and change an unfair situation. It is a catalyst for social change and conflict resolution. Healthy anger is directed at the problem, not at destroying the opponent's personality, and vanishes as soon as boundaries are restored.
- Pathological Distortions: The prohibition on anger (common for women in patriarchal cultures or for children of "good" parents) leads to its introjection—turning inward, which spawns depression, guilt, or passive-aggressive behavior (sabotage, ignoring).
Sadness: Mechanism of Adaptation to Loss
Sadness is an emotion accompanying processes of completion and farewell. It is the only one of the four emotions that does not prompt active change of the external world but focuses on internal restructuring.
- Stimulus and Context: Loss of an attachment object (person, animal, thing), loss of status, opportunity, or destruction of illusions.
- Physiological Mechanism: Decrease in general tone, slowing of metabolism, feeling of heaviness in the body. Crying is an important physiological component because tears contain stress hormones (ACTH), the elimination of which brings relief.
- Functional Significance: Sadness allows the psyche to "digest" the loss, let go of the past, and accept the new reality. This is a period of energy conservation and introspection. Authentic sadness attracts social support—tears signal to others a need for comfort.
- Pathological Distortions: If sadness is forbidden ("don't fall apart," "tears won't help grief"), the grieving process is blocked. This can lead to "frozen" grief, cynicism, or the formation of manic defense (artificial joy).
Joy: Marker of Success and Affiliation
Joy is an emotional reinforcement signaling well-being.
- Stimulus and Context: Satisfaction of vital needs (food, sleep, sex), achieving a goal, receiving positive strokes, feeling safe and belonging.
- Physiological Mechanism: Activation of the brain's reward system, release of dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, and endorphins. Muscles relax, breathing becomes free, a smile appears.
- Functional Significance: Joy motivates repeating beneficial behavior, contributes to resource recovery, and strengthens social bonds. Shared experience of joy (resonance) is the basis of intimacy.
- Pathological Distortions: Joy can be forbidden ("laughter without reason is a sign of folly," "don't rejoice too soon"). This leads to anhedonia (inability to feel pleasure) or fear of success. Sometimes joy becomes a racket, masking fear or anger (hysterical laughter).
Chronology of Emotional Development: From Birth to Script
Understanding the ontogenesis of emotions is critical for diagnosing at which stage of development a "glitch" occurred, leading to the formation of racket feelings. Transactional Analysis links emotional development with the formation of the Life Script, which, according to Berne, is laid down by the age of 6.
Infancy (0–12 months): Era of Somatic Affects and Primary Trust
In this period, a child's emotional life is inextricably linked to bodily sensations and interaction with the caregiver.
- 0–3 months: Newborns experience the world through polar states: general distress (proto-fear/pain) and pleasure (proto-joy). A key milestone is the appearance of the "social smile" at about 2 months, which becomes the first conscious act of communicating joy and an invitation to contact. If the child's needs are ignored at this stage, the foundation for basic mistrust ("I'm not OK, World is not OK") is laid.
- 4–6 months: Active differentiation begins. The child is capable of expressing anger (reaction to restricted movement or taking away a toy) and frustration. The ability to recognize emotions on parents' faces appears, marking the beginning of emotional empathy.
- 6–12 months: Attachment to specific figures forms. Specific stranger anxiety and separation anxiety appear. This indicates the development of memory and the ability to distinguish "us" from "them." The child begins to use emotions instrumentally: crying becomes not just a reaction to pain, but a call to action from mom.
Early Childhood (1–3 years): Autonomy, Boundaries, and First Prohibitions
This is a critical period for the genesis of racket feelings. The child begins to walk, talk, and actively explore the world, encountering the first parental restrictions.
- Emotional Landscape: This age is characterized by high intensity of feelings. Outbursts of anger (tantrums, known as the "terrible twos") are the child's attempt to assert their will and test the strength of boundaries. Simultaneously, immense joy from autonomy arises ("I do it myself!").
- Script Formation: It is here that parents begin to actively broadcast injunctions. If a natural expression of anger meets harsh punishment or ignoring, the child learns to suppress it.
- Mechanism: A child falls, it hurts (authentic sadness/fear). The father says: "Get up, don't roar, be a man!" The child swallows tears and clenches fists. Authentic sadness is substituted by racket anger or indifference.
- Survival Strategy: The child draws an unconscious conclusion: "To be loved, I must not show weakness (sadness). I will show strength (anger), even when I am in pain." Thus, a script decision is formed.
Preschool Age (3–5 years): Socialization, Role-Playing, and "Display Rules"
At this age, the child actively absorbs social norms and gender roles, learning to manipulate emotions for gain.
- Development of Complex Emotions: Based on simple emotions, social feelings are formed: guilt, shame, pride, envy. They require the ability to evaluate oneself through the eyes of others.
- Learning Manipulation: The child experiments with what in TA is called "emotional racketeering." If a direct request for attention (authentic need) does not work, the child may try to "get sick," start whining, or make a scene. If this yields results (even in the form of negative attention), the pattern is reinforced.
- Gender Conditioning:Boys often have access to Sadness ("crybabies") and Fear ("cowards") blocked, encouraging competitiveness and aggression. This leads to adult men often expressing depression through anger.Girls are often forbidden open Anger ("you're a lady") but allowed to be weak and afraid. This forms women who cry when they are actually angry.
- Boys often have access to Sadness ("crybabies") and Fear ("cowards") blocked, encouraging competitiveness and aggression. This leads to adult men often expressing depression through anger.
- Girls are often forbidden open Anger ("you're a lady") but allowed to be weak and afraid. This forms women who cry when they are actually angry.
Junior School Age (6–12 years): Latency Period and Script Rehearsal
By age 6-7, the main life script is already written. School years become a time for its "rehearsal" and polishing.
- Social Context: School and the peer group become a testing ground for strategies learned at home. The child seeks confirmation of their script beliefs.
- Stamp Collecting: At this age, the ability to accumulate unexpressed emotions develops. A child may silently endure insults (collecting "brown stamps" of crap) so that later, when enough are accumulated, they can "exchange" them for a big scandal, running away from home, or illness, feeling fully morally entitled ("now I have the right to blow up").
- Role Fixation: In the classroom, roles of "victim," "persecutor," or "rescuer" are fixed, based on corresponding racket feelings (fear, anger, guilt).
Anatomy of Complex Emotions: From Authenticity to Racket
Transactional Analysis offers a unique perspective on the origin of complex emotions through the concept of "Racket Feelings." A racket is a habitual, favorite emotion that a person demonstrates in stressful situations, which substitutes another, authentic emotion that was forbidden in childhood. This concept was detailed by Fanita English, who introduced the term "Substitution Factor."
Mechanism of Racket Formation
The process of transforming an authentic emotion into a racket occurs in several stages:
- Trigger: An authentic emotion arises as a reaction to a real event (e.g., a child wants a toy they are not given—Anger arises).
- Censorship (Parental Voice): A script injunction is activated: "You mustn't get angry at parents," "Good children don't demand."
- Substitution: The Child ego (Adaptive Child) frantically searches for an emotion that is allowed and safe. If the family tends to pity the unfortunate, the child begins to feel Sadness or Helplessness.
- Payoff: Demonstrating the racket feeling brings "strokes" (attention, pity) or allows avoiding punishment. Although the problem (unreceived toy) is not solved, the tension is partially relieved.
- Chronicity: Over time, this chain becomes automatic. An adult, facing rejection (at work, in relationships), automatically falls into sadness instead of defending their interests.
Genealogy of Complex Emotions
Let's examine in detail how specific complex states grow from suppressed basic emotions.
Guilt
Guilt is one of the most common racket emotions in Western culture. Often it is a socially acceptable mask for Anger or Fear.
- Mechanism: A person wants to refuse a request (authentic Anger at boundary violation) but fears judgment (Fear of rejection). They suppress anger and direct it at themselves, turning it into guilt: "I'm a bad friend since I don't want to help."
- Diagnosis: Authentic remorse leads to apology and behavioral change. Racket guilt is endless self-flagellation that leads to no change but only exhaustion.
Shame
Shame is a global, toxic feeling of one's own defectiveness ("I am not OK"). It often masks authentic Joy (exhibitionism), Sexual Excitement, or interrupted need for contact.
- Mechanism: A child runs to mom to show a drawing, full of pride (Joy). Mom waves them off: "Get lost, I'm busy." Joy hits a wall of coldness and collapses inward, turning into burning shame.
- Consequence: In adult life, the person fears showing initiative or achieving success, expecting inevitable humiliation.
Envy and Jealousy
These feelings are complex conglomerates based on a cocktail of Fear and Anger, and sometimes Sadness.
- Mechanism: Jealousy is often based on Fear of losing a significant object and Anger at the rival. If a child is forbidden to compete (express anger) or admit vulnerability (fear), they get stuck in passive, toxic envy.
- Therapy: Acknowledging authentic fear ("I'm afraid of being left alone") and anger allows moving to constructive actions or grieving.
Confusion and Boredom
In TA, these states are often viewed not as emotions but as defense mechanisms masking Anger.
- Confusion: Often arises when a person receives contradictory orders or wants to say "No" but cannot. This is passive resistance. Instead of getting angry, the person "dumbs down."
- Boredom: This is a state of suppressed excitement. When all authentic desires (what to do, where to go) are blocked by the internal Parent, a vacuum remains, experienced as boredom. Under boredom often hides rage at prohibitions or deep sadness.
Depression (as a racket state)
Although clinical depression has biological components, in TA a depressive state is often viewed as a result of accumulating unexpressed Sadness or introjected Anger.
- Mechanism: "Swallowing" insults and the prohibition on open conflict lead to aggression corroding the person from the inside.
- Exit: Often a therapeutic breakthrough comes from permitting the patient to openly get angry at the attachment object.
Dictionary for Decoding Racket Feelings
Below is a toolkit for translating the "language of masks" into the language of true needs:
- GuiltHidden Authenticity: Anger (at the accuser) or Fear (of punishment/loss).Psychological Payoff: Avoiding open conflict, maintaining the "good person" image, self-punishment for atonement.
- Hidden Authenticity: Anger (at the accuser) or Fear (of punishment/loss).
- Psychological Payoff: Avoiding open conflict, maintaining the "good person" image, self-punishment for atonement.
- Resentment / SulkingHidden Authenticity: Anger.Psychological Payoff: Passive revenge: making the other feel guilty without entering direct confrontation.
- Hidden Authenticity: Anger.
- Psychological Payoff: Passive revenge: making the other feel guilty without entering direct confrontation.
- Confusion / ImpasseHidden Authenticity: Anger (resistance to pressure).Psychological Payoff: Stalling, sabotaging requirements, avoiding responsibility for a decision.
- Hidden Authenticity: Anger (resistance to pressure).
- Psychological Payoff: Stalling, sabotaging requirements, avoiding responsibility for a decision.
- Anxiety (objectless)Hidden Authenticity: Fear (specific) or Excitement/Joy (before the new).Psychological Payoff: Blocking action, attracting attention of a "Rescuer," avoiding risk of success.
- Hidden Authenticity: Fear (specific) or Excitement/Joy (before the new).
- Psychological Payoff: Blocking action, attracting attention of a "Rescuer," avoiding risk of success.
- Fatigue (psychological)Hidden Authenticity: Anger or Sadness (depressive).Psychological Payoff: Legal social way to exit contact ("I'm tired"), avoiding demands.
- Hidden Authenticity: Anger or Sadness (depressive).
- Psychological Payoff: Legal social way to exit contact ("I'm tired"), avoiding demands.
- Tears (hysterical/helpless)Hidden Authenticity: Anger.Psychological Payoff: Forcing opponent to yield out of pity, masking aggression as weakness.
- Hidden Authenticity: Anger.
- Psychological Payoff: Forcing opponent to yield out of pity, masking aggression as weakness.
- Arrogance / CynicismHidden Authenticity: Fear (of being vulnerable) or Sadness.Psychological Payoff: Protection from disappointment pain, preemptive attack, maintaining distance.
- Hidden Authenticity: Fear (of being vulnerable) or Sadness.
- Psychological Payoff: Protection from disappointment pain, preemptive attack, maintaining distance.
- Excessive Cheerfulness / Gallows LaughHidden Authenticity: Fear or Sadness.Psychological Payoff: Social adaptation ("Keep smiling"), denial of problem seriousness, tension relief.
- Hidden Authenticity: Fear or Sadness.
- Psychological Payoff: Social adaptation ("Keep smiling"), denial of problem seriousness, tension relief.
- Boredom / ApathyHidden Authenticity: Anger (at restrictions) or Joy (unavailable).Psychological Payoff: Suppression of unwanted impulses, avoiding conflict awareness.
- Hidden Authenticity: Anger (at restrictions) or Joy (unavailable).
- Psychological Payoff: Suppression of unwanted impulses, avoiding conflict awareness.
- EnvyHidden Authenticity: Anger (injustice) + Sadness (loss/absence).Psychological Payoff: Shifting responsibility for one's happiness to external circumstances, passive waiting.
- Hidden Authenticity: Anger (injustice) + Sadness (loss/absence).
- Psychological Payoff: Shifting responsibility for one's happiness to external circumstances, passive waiting.
Comparative Analysis of Situational Reactions
For developing emotional literacy, it is critical to be able to distinguish healthy (authentic) and unhealthy (racket) reactions in everyday life. An authentic reaction is characterized by appropriateness to the stimulus in intensity and duration, and most importantly, it leads to problem resolution (Problem Solving) or gestalt completion. A racket reaction, conversely, is stereotypical, often inappropriate in strength (excessive or muted), and does not solve the problem but only reinforces script beliefs.
Situation: Loss of job or significant opportunity
- Healthy Reaction (Authentic Sadness):Behavior: The person allows themselves to cry, feel pain, shares grief with loved ones. They acknowledge the value of what was lost.Dynamics: The emotion has a wave-like character. Over time, pain intensity decreases (grief work).Result: The psyche adapts to the new reality. The person draws conclusions and starts looking for new opportunities. Energy is released.
- Behavior: The person allows themselves to cry, feel pain, shares grief with loved ones. They acknowledge the value of what was lost.
- Dynamics: The emotion has a wave-like character. Over time, pain intensity decreases (grief work).
- Result: The psyche adapts to the new reality. The person draws conclusions and starts looking for new opportunities. Energy is released.
- Racket Reaction (Racket Anger, Indifference, or Euphoria):Behavior: "I didn't need this job anyway, the boss is an idiot!" (stuck in Anger) or "I don't care, I'm great!" (Isolation of affect/Manic defense).Dynamics: Chronic irritation or tension that does not disappear for months. Insomnia, psychosomatics (ulcers, hypertension).Result: The person does not process the loss, draws no conclusions. They carry this "emotional baggage" to the next job.
- Behavior: "I didn't need this job anyway, the boss is an idiot!" (stuck in Anger) or "I don't care, I'm great!" (Isolation of affect/Manic defense).
- Dynamics: Chronic irritation or tension that does not disappear for months. Insomnia, psychosomatics (ulcers, hypertension).
- Result: The person does not process the loss, draws no conclusions. They carry this "emotional baggage" to the next job.
Situation: Public speaking or important exam
- Healthy Reaction (Authentic Fear/Nervousness):Behavior: Slight tremor, increased pulse, focus of attention. The person admits: "I'm nervous because this is important to me."Dynamics: Fear mobilizes: the person prepares thoroughly. During action, fear transforms into drive. After completion—relaxation and joy.Result: Successful performance or gaining experience. The situation is completed.
- Behavior: Slight tremor, increased pulse, focus of attention. The person admits: "I'm nervous because this is important to me."
- Dynamics: Fear mobilizes: the person prepares thoroughly. During action, fear transforms into drive. After completion—relaxation and joy.
- Result: Successful performance or gaining experience. The situation is completed.
- Racket Reaction (Racket Confusion or Inappropriate Laughter):Behavior: "Fog" in the head, forgetting words (Confusion instead of mobilizing Fear), or starting to giggle inappropriately (Gallows laugh), devaluing the event.Dynamics: Energy is blocked. The person is paralyzed or acts like a clown.Result: Performance failure, confirmation of the script "I'm a loser" or "I'm worthless."
- Behavior: "Fog" in the head, forgetting words (Confusion instead of mobilizing Fear), or starting to giggle inappropriately (Gallows laugh), devaluing the event.
- Dynamics: Energy is blocked. The person is paralyzed or acts like a clown.
- Result: Performance failure, confirmation of the script "I'm a loser" or "I'm worthless."
Situation: Violation of personal boundaries (physical or emotional)
- Healthy Reaction (Authentic Anger):Behavior: Clear, firm message: "Please don't do that," "I don't like this," "Back off." Voice confident, posture stable.Dynamics: Anger arises instantly as an impulse to action and vanishes as soon as the boundary is restored.Result: Relationships are clarified, respect is maintained.
- Behavior: Clear, firm message: "Please don't do that," "I don't like this," "Back off." Voice confident, posture stable.
- Dynamics: Anger arises instantly as an impulse to action and vanishes as soon as the boundary is restored.
- Result: Relationships are clarified, respect is maintained.
- Racket Reaction (Racket Guilt, Sadness, or Resentment):Behavior: The person stays silent and endures, swallowing tears (Sadness), or apologizes for having their foot stepped on (Guilt). Passive-aggressive behavior (door slamming) may occur later.Dynamics: Accumulation of "stamps" of resentment. Internal dialogue: "How could they do this to me?"Result: Boundaries remain destroyed, self-esteem falls, risk of explosive aggression in the future increases.
- Behavior: The person stays silent and endures, swallowing tears (Sadness), or apologizes for having their foot stepped on (Guilt). Passive-aggressive behavior (door slamming) may occur later.
- Dynamics: Accumulation of "stamps" of resentment. Internal dialogue: "How could they do this to me?"
- Result: Boundaries remain destroyed, self-esteem falls, risk of explosive aggression in the future increases.
Situation: Receiving a compliment or award
- Healthy Reaction (Authentic Joy):Behavior: Smile, warmth in the body, words of gratitude: "Thank you, I'm very pleased." Accepting the stroke.Result: Increase in energy, strengthening contact with the praiser.
- Behavior: Smile, warmth in the body, words of gratitude: "Thank you, I'm very pleased." Accepting the stroke.
- Result: Increase in energy, strengthening contact with the praiser.
- Racket Reaction (Shame, Devaluation, or Anxiety):Behavior: "Oh, it's nothing special," "I just got lucky" (Devaluation), looking down, blushing (Shame). Or fear: "Now they will envy me" (Anxiety).Result: The stroke is rejected ("leaking bucket"), the person remains emotionally hungry.
- Behavior: "Oh, it's nothing special," "I just got lucky" (Devaluation), looking down, blushing (Shame). Or fear: "Now they will envy me" (Anxiety).
- Result: The stroke is rejected ("leaking bucket"), the person remains emotionally hungry.
Practical Recommendations and Strategies for Developing Emotional Literacy
Emotional literacy requires systemic work on reprogramming habitual reactions. This is a process of "Self-Reparenting," involving work with all ego states.
Strategies for Adults: Deconstructing Rackets
- Awareness and Marking (Adult Work):"Emotional Stop-frame" Technique: When a strong emotion arises, stop and ask yourself: "What am I feeling right now?" Name the emotion.Authenticity Check: Ask verification questions:"Does this emotion help me solve the problem here-and-now?" (If no — it's a racket)."Is this feeling familiar from childhood? Did I often feel this way at home?" (If yes — it's a script feeling)."What did I feel a split second before this?" (Search for the authentic trigger).
- "Emotional Stop-frame" Technique: When a strong emotion arises, stop and ask yourself: "What am I feeling right now?" Name the emotion.
- Authenticity Check: Ask verification questions:"Does this emotion help me solve the problem here-and-now?" (If no — it's a racket)."Is this feeling familiar from childhood? Did I often feel this way at home?" (If yes — it's a script feeling)."What did I feel a split second before this?" (Search for the authentic trigger).
- "Does this emotion help me solve the problem here-and-now?" (If no — it's a racket).
- "Is this feeling familiar from childhood? Did I often feel this way at home?" (If yes — it's a script feeling).
- "What did I feel a split second before this?" (Search for the authentic trigger).
- Body and Breath Work: Racket feelings often "live" in chronic muscle clamps. Authentic emotions are fluid. Conscious relaxation of the jaw, shoulders, belly can help release suppressed anger or fear.
- Refusal of "Stamp Collecting":Decide not to accumulate small grievances. Express complaints immediately, in a correct form using "I-messages" ("I am angry when...", not "You annoyed me").Regularly conduct "emotional hygiene": discuss accumulated feelings with a partner or therapist.
- Decide not to accumulate small grievances. Express complaints immediately, in a correct form using "I-messages" ("I am angry when...", not "You annoyed me").
- Regularly conduct "emotional hygiene": discuss accumulated feelings with a partner or therapist.
- Permissions:Actively give your Inner Child permissions that parents did not give: "You have the right to be angry," "You are allowed to cry," "You can rejoice in your successes."
- Actively give your Inner Child permissions that parents did not give: "You have the right to be angry," "You are allowed to cry," "You can rejoice in your successes."
- Using Auxiliary Tools: For systemic development of emotional intelligence and tracking progress, it is useful to use specialized tools. For example, products from the MriyaRun project offer structured approaches to working with emotions:Emotional Intelligence Journal helps regularly track mood changes, identify triggers, and analyze patterns of authentic and racket feelings.Various emotional literacy development programs allow diving deeper into the practice of awareness and managing one's emotional state.
- Emotional Intelligence Journal helps regularly track mood changes, identify triggers, and analyze patterns of authentic and racket feelings.
- Various emotional literacy development programs allow diving deeper into the practice of awareness and managing one's emotional state.
Recommendations for Parents: Upbringing Without Rackets
Raising an emotionally literate child is the best prevention of neuroses in the future.
- Validation and Normalization: Accept all 4 basic emotions. Never say: "Don't be afraid," "Don't cry," "Shame on you for being angry." This denies the child's reality.Correct Reaction: "I see you are very angry. You wanted this toy, and I didn't buy it. It's normal to be angry when you don't get what you want."
- Correct Reaction: "I see you are very angry. You wanted this toy, and I didn't buy it. It's normal to be angry when you don't get what you want."
- Separating Feelings and Behavior: Introduce the golden rule: "All feelings are OK, but not all behavior is OK."Example: "You have every right to be angry at your brother, but you cannot hit him. Hitting is not OK. When you are angry, you can punch a pillow, tear paper, or say it with words."
- Example: "You have every right to be angry at your brother, but you cannot hit him. Hitting is not OK. When you are angry, you can punch a pillow, tear paper, or say it with words."
- Developing Emotional Vocabulary: Help the child verbalize the state. Use an "Emotion Wheel" or cards with faces. Teach nuances: "Are you just sad or disappointed right now?", "Are you annoyed or furious?". The more precise the word, the less the tension.
- Parental Example (Modeling): Children learn through observation. If mom says "Everything is fine" through gritted teeth, the child learns to lie about feelings. Be congruent: "I am upset right now because I have trouble at work. I will sit quietly for 10 minutes, drink tea, and I will feel better." This teaches the child that sadness is a temporary state that can be coped with.
Therapeutic Fairy Tale on Emotional Literacy
Based on Claude Steiner's classic "Warm Fuzzy Tale" and the theory of four basic emotions, an author's metaphorical story adapted for children aged 5–10 is proposed. It helps integrate the concept of authenticity and the harmfulness of emotional masks.
The Fairy Tale "The City of Colored Lanterns"
Long ago, in a distant valley hidden behind high mountains, lay the amazing City of Colored Lanterns. It was an unusual city because every inhabitant—from young to old—had a small magic lantern glowing inside their chest. This lantern didn't just shine; it could speak the language of colors, showing everyone around what the person was feeling.
The lanterns could shine with four main colors, and each color was important and necessary:
- When something good happened, when friends hugged or someone received a gift, the lantern shone with a warm Golden light (Joy). This light warmed like the summer sun, and when people shared it, everything became brighter.
- When someone faced injustice, when someone broke another's tower of blocks or offended the weak, the lantern flashed with a bright Red fire (Anger). It was the fire of strength and protection. It helped to say firmly: "Stop! You can't do that! That's mine!"
- When someone lost a favorite toy, scraped a knee, or said goodbye to a friend, the lantern glowed with a Blue color, deep as the ocean (Sadness). This light was quiet and slow. It helped to cry out tears, calm the heart, and survive the loss to smile again later.
- And when danger approached, when thunder rumbled or a dark room lay ahead, the lantern flickered with Green light (Fear). It was the color of caution, like on a traffic light. It whispered: "Be careful! Look left and right! Get ready!"
Everyone in the city lived happily and amicably because the lanterns never lied. If someone glowed Blue, others knew—they needed support and a warm word. If Red—others understood they needed to step back and respect their boundaries.
But one gloomy day, an evil Sorcerer named Confusion wandered into the city. He didn't like that people understood each other so well and lived in harmony. He envied their sincerity. And then he came up with a treacherous plan. The Sorcerer brewed a thick gray fog in his cauldron and made thousands of False Masks and Crooked Mirrors.
He began walking through the city and whispering poisonous words to children and adults:
— Hey, boy! Look at your Blue lantern! Ugh, how shameful! Real heroes never get sad and never cry. Hide it! Put on this iron knight mask and shine Red, even when you hurt and want to cry!
— And you, girl, why do you need this rude Red fire? It's ugly! Good princesses never get angry. Better shine Blue and cry, even when someone offends you. Or here, take this mask of eternal smile, and shine Gold, even when you are scared and want to run away!
And gradually, the city began to change. The Great Confusion began. Little Peter fell off his bike and hurt his arm badly. He was in great pain, his lantern wanted to turn Blue. But Peter remembered the Sorcerer's words: "Boys don't cry!" He pulled on the mask, and his lantern flashed an angry Red color. He kicked the bike and yelled at his mom. Mom didn't understand that he was in pain and needed a hug; she thought he was being naughty and scolded him. Peter felt even worse.
A girl named Lena saw a big angry dog growling. She was very scared, her lantern wanted to turn Green. But she was afraid she would be laughed at, so she put on a "Giggles" mask and started laughing loudly and unnaturally and jumping, shining fake Gold. The dog thought she was teasing him and almost bit her.
People stopped understanding each other. They gave candy to those who were sad (because they pretended to be joyful) and scolded those who were scared (because they acted angry). Lanterns dimmed under gray masks; the city became cold and uncomfortable. People started getting sick from unspoken words.
This would have gone on forever if one day a Wise Owl hadn't visited the city. She looked at the gloomy streets, at the tired people, and asked:
— Why are you wearing these heavy masks? Your lanterns are suffocating!
— But the Sorcerer said that Blue is for weaklings, and Red is for meanies! — exclaimed Peter, clenching his fists, though his eyes were full of tears.
— That is not true, — replied the Owl quietly and confidently. — All colors are needed. All colors are important. Without Red, you cannot protect yourself from evil. Without Blue, your heart will turn to stone, and you won't be able to pity others. Without Green, you will get into trouble due to carelessness. And without real Gold, your joy will be cold as ice.
The Owl proposed a game: "Take off the mask." Peter was the first to dare. He remembered how offended he was at his friend who didn't call him to play. He took off the prickly Red mask of anger, and everyone saw his tender, trembling Blue light of sadness.
— Oh, you're just sad that you weren't invited! — guessed the friend and came closer. — I'm sorry, I just didn't see you. Come play!
He hugged Peter. Peter felt better immediately, the Blue color slowly melted away, and his lantern flashed with real, bright Golden color of joy.
Lena admitted she was scared to perform on the school stage, and instead of silly laughter, she allowed herself the Green color. The teacher didn't scold her but said: "It's normal to be nervous. I will be nearby and help you." And Lena performed wonderfully, turning her fear into inspiration.
Gradually, one by one, all the inhabitants took off the Gray Masks. They began to feel real feelings again. Sorcerer Confusion, seeing that his spells no longer worked and no one listened to his lies, hissed and melted away like morning mist in the sun.
And the people in the City of Colored Lanterns remembered the main lesson forever: There are no bad colors. Every light is important if it is real.
And since then, when someone asked: "How are you?", they looked at their lantern and answered honestly: "Right now I am glowing blue, I am sad. But I will stay with this, and soon I will shine gold again."
Conclusions
A complex analysis of the emotional sphere through the Transactional Analysis toolkit allows for the following conclusions:
- Priority of Authenticity: Psychological health and quality of life depend not on the prevalence of "positive" emotions, but on the ability to experience and express authentic emotions (Fear, Anger, Sadness, Joy) appropriate to the "here-and-now" situation.
- Destructiveness of Rackets: Racket feelings (guilt, shame, resentment, envy) are energy-consuming surrogates formed in childhood under the pressure of prohibitions. They do not solve problems, block intimacy, lead to psychosomatic disorders, and support destructive life scripts.
- Role of Upbringing: The formation of emotional literacy begins from the first months of life. Parental acceptance and validation of the child's entire spectrum of emotions, as well as distinguishing feelings from behavior, are critically important.
- Possibility of Change: Despite the early formation of the script, emotional literacy is a skill that can be trained in adulthood. Through awareness of one's ego states, recognizing rackets, and giving oneself new "permissions," a person can restore their emotional autonomy and capacity for true intimacy.
Implementing the principles of emotional literacy into personal life, child-rearing, and educational systems is key to creating a healthier, empathetic, and psychologically resilient society.
Read more:
- Mriya.run: Space for Conscious Change. Learning, Practice & Tools
- Tools & Resources
- Emotional Literacy: Authenticity and Rackets