Working with Anger: 5 Emotional Literacy Skills

This article is for self-observation. If anger becomes violent or there is a threat to yourself or others, prioritise safety and professional support.

“Do not shout” and “do not be angry” sound similar, but they address different things. The first can set a limit on behaviour. The second leaves little room for the feeling itself. Eventually, even naming irritation can become difficult: you say nothing, yet an hour later the argument is still running through your head.

Working with anger can involve small, practical skills: noticing a reaction, checking what prompted it, choosing an action, repairing harm, and returning to the conversation. Gradually, you can see when a conversation can continue and when you first need time for the tension to settle.

A colleague interrupts you for the third time. You tense up, start speaking faster, and prepare a sharp reply. Saying to yourself “I am angry now” names the experience before it becomes a remark. If you cannot find a word, begin with what you notice: clenched fists, a louder voice, or an urge to leave.

Anger may accompany a sense of unfairness or an obstacle. Tiredness, stress, and your interpretation of events also matter. Feeling angry does not by itself prove that someone deliberately crossed your boundaries.

Separate the event from your explanation. “My colleague interrupted me three times” can be discussed. “He thinks I am worthless” is a conclusion that needs checking. Your next sentence could be simple: “I would like to finish my point, then hear yours.”

You can then hear the other person’s reply. Perhaps they were rushing or afraid of losing their thought. That information can help you agree on how to continue the conversation.

Sometimes you can already speak briefly and directly. Sometimes you need a pause: “I am too angry to discuss this properly right now. I will come back to it after lunch.” If you agree to return, choose a time you can keep.

A pause differs from punitive silence when its purpose and length are clear. It leaves room for a conversation without insults, threats, or coercion. Not every disagreement ends in agreement. The outcome may instead be a clear rule or a decision to stop participating in a particular interaction.

If you shouted, you might say: “I raised my voice and insulted you. That was unnecessary. Next time I will pause earlier.” Explaining tiredness or pressure can provide context without cancelling the impact of your words.

An apology continues in actions: correcting an error, returning to an agreement, or changing how you speak. The other person may need time and does not have to restore trust immediately.

After a conversation, write a few lines about what happened, what you thought, how you responded, and what you would change next time. If the same conflict occurs every week, examine workload, unclear responsibilities, or an agreement nobody keeps. A calming exercise alone may not change those conditions.

Entries can reveal details that slipped past during the conversation: rushing, an unspoken request, or a habit of agreeing and feeling resentful later. Those details give you something to work with: clarify an agreement or try another response.

Source: NHS — anger guidance.

For a written review of signals, thoughts, needs, and boundaries, you can use About Emotions: Anger workbook.