"He who cannot get angry cannot defend himself. But he who cannot control his anger destroys what he is trying to protect."
Anger: Your Most Honest Enemy and Most Passionate Defender
"He who cannot get angry cannot defend himself. But he who cannot control his anger destroys what he is trying to protect."
We are used to treating anger as the "bad guy" in the world of emotions. From childhood, we are taught: "Don't be angry," "Good children don't scream," "Keep yourself together." We hide anger, swallow it, mask it with sarcasm or cold politeness. And then we wonder why it explodes like a volcano, sweeping everything in its path, or turns into a stomach ulcer.
In this chapter, we will rehabilitate anger. We will examine it not as a destructive force, but as a security signal system. And, most importantly, we will figure out why, in relationships, we most often feel rage toward those we seem to love the most.
1. Anatomy of Anger: Why Do We Need This Fire?
From an evolutionary perspective, anger is fuel for survival. It is a biochemical cocktail of adrenaline and norepinephrine that the brain prepares in milliseconds when it detects a threat.
The threat can be:
- Physical: A dog running at you.
- Psychological: Someone devaluing your work.
- Territorial: Someone violating your boundaries (physical or emotional).
Anger provides the energy to restore justice or protect boundaries. The problem is not the emotion itself, but the way it is expressed and how adequately our "internal scanner" assesses the threat.
2. Anger in Relationships: Why Does Love Turn Into War?
Have you noticed that we feel the strongest anger not toward random passersby, but toward partners, parents, or children? The psychology of relationships gives us the key to understanding this phenomenon.
A. The Collapse of Illusions and the Power Struggle
When we fall in love, we are held captive by projections—we see not a real person, but an ideal meant to heal our childhood traumas. But when the second stage of the relationship begins, the illusion disintegrates. We see that the Other does not meet our expectations.
This is where the anger of disappointment arises. We begin a struggle for power: "If you don't behave according to my expectations, you will regret it". This anger is a child's scream: "You promised to be my ideal parent, why are you just like everyone else?!"
B. Neurotic Hostility
Often, our anger has nothing to do with the partner at all. As Karen Horney notes, a neurotic person may carry strong hidden hostility toward others, acquired in early childhood due to mistreatment. A person represses this aggression accumulated over the years, but it doesn't disappear.
In close relationships, this "reservoir of anger" bursts. The partner becomes a safe target for discharging old pain. The slightest mistake by a loved one is perceived as a global betrayal, causing inadequate rage.
C. Jealousy as a Form of Aggression
Anger often masquerades as jealousy. This is not just a fear of loss; it is an insatiable demand to be the sole object of love. It is an aggressive attempt to control another person, to deprive them of the right to personal space, interpreting any interest in the outside world as an insult.
3. The "Iceberg" Model: What Hides Beneath the Water?
In emotional intelligence, anger is often called a secondary emotion. Imagine an iceberg.
- The Tip (what is visible): Anger, screaming, irritation, aggression.
- The Submerged Part (the true cause): Fear, shame, powerlessness, resentment, loneliness, fatigue.
Example: A husband yells at his wife because she stayed late at work and didn't call.
- What he shows: Anger ("You are irresponsible!").
- What he actually feels: Fear ("I was afraid something happened to you") or Abandonment ("I am not important to her, just like I wasn't to my mom in childhood").
As long as we react only to the tip of the iceberg, we destroy relationships. Emotional intelligence teaches us to dive underwater.
4. Algorithm for Working with Anger (EQ Practice)
How to turn anger from a destroyer into a helper?
Step 1. Pause (The 6-Second Rule)
When anger hits, the prefrontal cortex (the logic zone) shuts down. You need 6 seconds for the chemical storm to subside slightly. Take a breath. Do not write that message. Do not say that phrase. Just breathe.
Step 2. Remove the Projection
Ask yourself: "Who am I really angry at?"
Jung reminds us: if we do not become conscious of the inner content of our psyche, it is projected outwardly. Is your partner really to blame for your rage, or did they simply remind you of a father who ignored you? Are you trying to force your partner to "act out" your childhood traumas?
Step 3. Find the Need
Anger is always a signal of an unmet need.
- Cut off in traffic? -> Need for safety.
- Partner didn't wash the dishes? -> Need for respect for your labor or need for care.
Step 4. Ecological Communication ("I-statements")
Instead of accusations ("You always...", "You never..."), which only provoke defensive aggression, speak about yourself.
- Bad: "You are selfish, you are late again!"
- Good (EQ): "I feel angry and anxious when you are late and don't warn me. It is important for me to know that you are okay, and I want us to value each other's time."
5. Anger as Fuel for Change
A mature personality does not suppress anger and does not pour it out on others. They use its energy. Mature love involves acknowledging aggression, not through masochistic submission, but through the capacity for dialogue.
Anger can be a force that compels you to:
- Say "no" to what is destroying you.
- Leave codependent relationships.
- Protect your values.
- Achieve a goal despite obstacles.
Conclusion: Do not be afraid of your anger. Be afraid of not understanding its language. When you learn to decipher the messages of your rage, you gain access to a vast source of energy and truth about yourself.
Want to learn how to "dive under the iceberg" and manage your emotions instead of being held hostage by them?
The MriyaRun project has created a space where we learn exactly this—without complex theory, but with a deep understanding of the mechanisms of the psyche. We share only what we have tested on ourselves and what really works.
- Mriya.run: Space for Conscious Change. Learning, Practice & Tools
- Tools & Resources
- Anger: Your Most Honest Enemy and Most Passionate Defender