Polite Lies Kill Marriages: Why Emotional Agreements Matter

Many of us grew up hearing traditional proverbs: "A bad peace is better than a good quarrel," "Patience is a virtue," or the old Eastern European saying, "Endure it, and you will learn to love it." These traditional beliefs taught us for years to smooth over rough edges, wear masks, and ignore our own discomfort for the sake of "family harmony." But psychology and real-life practice prove: this "wise" silence becomes the foundation for future divorces.

During the period of falling in love, the world seems ideal. We look at our partner through a "shining fog" of hormones. But it is precisely at this time, when we most want to please, that we plant a ticking time bomb. Let's look at this through the example of a couple we'll call Olena and Andriy.

Olena and Andriy are lying on the grass, enjoying the spring sun. They have decided to get married. For Olena, this is her second marriage; the first one fell apart due to accumulated resentments, and now she wants to do things differently. She suggests that Andriy talk about emotional literacy.

Her proposal is simple: to create a relationship of cooperation where there is no room for guesswork or pressure.

"Andriy, I want us to be honest. I read about relationships where partners don't pressure each other." "Aren't we like that?" Andriy wonders.

And here Olena gives an example familiar to many. "Remember this morning we went to have breakfast at the cafe near our house? I said I wanted to go there. But actually, I wanted to go to a different place. I lied because I thought you would like it there more. I wanted to please you."

It would seem, what a trifle! Is this not a manifestation of care? No. In Transactional Analysis, this is called Rescuing. When we compromise our desires to "save" our partner from possible dissatisfaction, we begin to accumulate hidden aggression.

To learn to track such moments, it is useful to use psychological journals and tools for structuring thoughts. Regularly recording your true desires helps separate "I want" from "I should."

Inspired by Olena's honesty, Andriy decides to make a confession that in traditional culture would be considered rude.

"Honestly, I would prefer not to meet with your girlfriends," he says. "I'm not interested, and I don't have time to get to know each of them. It's too hard for me."

For Olena, this is a shock. She enthusiastically introduced him to her circle, and it turns out he was enduring it all this time. Further — more. Andriy admits that he hates the big family feasts at her aunt's house, where there are a bunch of relatives and loud conversations.

In the traditional paradigm, this would be the start of a scandal: "You don't respect my family!", "You are selfish!". But Olena, who works on her emotional intelligence, pauses. She understands: his feelings are a fact.

For developing the skill of accepting another's feelings (even unpleasant ones), the Acceptance Journal is perfect. It teaches you not to judge either yourself or your partner for the truth.

Instead of a quarrel, Olena and Andriy negotiate.

The result? Andriy feels huge relief. He is no longer "trapped." Olena feels proud that she was able to withstand this dialogue without falling into resentment.

We are often afraid that the truth will push our loved ones away. But in reality, falseness pushes them away. When you pretend for years that you love football or trips to the countryside, you lose yourself. And then you explode.

Happy relationships are not those where no one ever quarrels. They are those where two people have agreed to be honest. Do not wait for the "fog of love" to dissipate and reality to hit you on the head. Start building emotional agreements today.

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