This material is for informational and educational purposes only and is not medical, psychological, or psychotherapeutic advice. If you are experiencing an acute psychological condition or need professional support, please contact a doctor, psychologist, psychotherapist, or crisis service.
Emotional Intelligence, Success and Conflict Skills
Emotional Intelligence (EQ) is the foundation for building harmonious relationships, career growth, and inner balance. We often hear that emotions, especially negative ones, should be suppressed. This is a flawed and even harmful approach. Emotions are an integral part of us; they should not be suppressed, but recognized and managed. Sometimes, to successfully resolve a situation, an emotion should even be consciously amplified.
Once mastered, your emotionality transforms from a problem into a powerful success factor. To make this process manageable rather than chaotic, it is worth using professional tools such as the Emotional Intelligence Diary by MriyaRun. This allows you not just to "feel," but to record states and see patterns in your behavior.
Why "Calm Down" is a Conflict Trigger
When we face aggression, logic suggests asking the person to calm down. But does it work? Never. The phrase "Calm down!" only provokes rage and the response: "I AM CALM!!!".
Why does this happen? Because this command contains a hidden accusation: “You are being irrational right now, you are hysterical, you are out of control.” It is an attack wrapped in a polite package.
It is much more effective to remind the person of their state through doubt and so-called "psychological cushioning" (or "fluff").
How to do it right:
Use words of doubt: "perhaps," "likely," "it seemed to me."
“It seems to me that you are dissatisfied with something right now and, perhaps, even a little irritated. Maybe I am mistaken, but could you tell me how close this is to the truth?”
In a tense situation, you can never have too much of this "cushioning." It softens the blow.
The "I-Message" Technique: Talk About Yourself, Not the Other
You can communicate your state without blaming your partner. But there is a trap here.
- False "I-Message": "I am angry at you!" (Essentially, a veiled "You are annoying me").
- True "I-Message": Points to the link between the other's action and your feeling, spoken in a neutral tone.“When you speak to me in a raised voice, I get a little scared and lost. Could you please speak more quietly?”
The goal is to create a comfortable background, not to sting the interlocutor. To learn how to clearly identify your feelings in the moment, rather than in hindsight, it is recommended to take the special program MriyaRun Offer Emotions, which teaches exactly this type of verbalization.
Non-Verbal Communication: The Body Doesn't Lie
In conflict, we often unconsciously close ourselves off or raise our voices.
- Posture: Open only. A closed posture is a signal of defense, which instinctively compels the aggressor to increase the pressure. Want to test it? The next time someone yells at you, close up (cross your arms)—and watch the volume rise.
- Intonation: Even, but empathetic. Not "robotic" (which is irritating and implies superiority), but human. Remember: the person yelling is currently in pain. Sympathize with them, do not demonstrate your intellectual superiority.
The Magic of "YES": The Total Agreement Technique
The words "No" and "But" are conflict markers. The word "Yes" is a marker of agreement and perspective.
Even if a claim is absurd, you can agree with it partially or acknowledge the person's right to that opinion. This is the "Total YES" technique.
Examples of responses to aggression:
- Claim: "You are unprofessional!"Response: "Yes, my professionalism has room for improvement."
- Response: "Yes, my professionalism has room for improvement."
- Claim: "You are completely talentless."Response: "Yes, you might have formed that impression."
- Response: "Yes, you might have formed that impression."
- Claim: "You are such an idiot."Response: "Yes, sometimes I do idiotic things."
- Response: "Yes, sometimes I do idiotic things."
The opponent expects resistance ("No, that's not true!"), but receives agreement. Their "organism" calms down because banging on an open door is uninteresting.
Important nuance: The Killer Conjunction "BUT"
The word "but" cancels everything said before it.
- Bad: "Yes, the project is important, but there is no money." (Subtext: the project is unimportant).
- Good (using "AND"): "Yes, the project is important. And at the same time, we have a limited budget right now. Let's return to this in the fall."
The ability to withstand criticism is closely linked to your personal boundaries. If you feel that criticism wounds you too deeply, check out the Diary of the Mistress of Her Boundaries. This is a tool for building healthy self-esteem that teaches you not to crumble under other people's words.
Excuses Smell Like Fear
When we are "attacked," the first reaction is fear. It pushes us to make excuses or unrealistic promises ("I'll do it by tomorrow!").
The aggressor reads excuses as weakness. And what do they do with the weak? They finish them off.
Do not explain reasons unless asked (and the question "Why?" is often asked just to vent emotions). Simply admit the fact:
“Yes, I was indeed late. That is a fact.”
Full stop. This disarms them.
Empathy and Validation: Acknowledging Significance
It may seem to you that another person's problem is trivial. But if a person is emotional, it is important to them. Remember yourself as a teenager with a "broken heart" that adults called nonsense.
Say: “The situation is indeed unpleasant; I would be upset too if I were in your place.”
Even service errors (like getting stuck in an elevator at night) can be smoothed over if the operator sincerely sympathizes rather than speaking in memorized scripts. People want to talk to people.
How to Manage Specific Emotions of Others
To help another person, stop doing what you want (devaluing) and start doing what their psyche needs.
1. Dealing with Fear
When someone nearby is afraid, we want to say: "It's nonsense, don't work yourself up!" This is a mistake, as it minimizes the significance of their feelings.
Effective Strategy:
- Acknowledge Significance: "Yes, such situations can indeed be alarming."
- Analyze: Ask: "What is the worst that can happen?" Let the person articulate the fear to the end.
- Find Resources: Instead of advising them to "relax," ask: "What would help you feel calmer? What can we do right now?"
2. Dealing with Sadness and Grief
When someone is crying or sad, we want to cheer them up ("Don't be sour!"), switch attention ("I have problems too..."), or devalue ("It could be worse"). This does not work.
Effective Strategy:
- Validation: "I understand, you are very sad/hurt right now."
- The SLN Technique: Stands for Shut up — Listen — Nod. Let the person speak out.
- Eye Contact: If the person is crying, do not look away. Look them in the eye. This helps break the cycle of hysteria. The movie trope "Look at me!" actually works.
- Ask about needs: "How do you want to get through this? Do you want to be alone or have me sit nearby?"