Navigating the terrible twos and separation. Why do we play "Stupid" and "I'll Show Them"? Integrating anger and thinking. Coaching questions for healing.
The "Power to Think" Stage (1.5 – 3 Years): From Symbiosis to Autonomy
Based on "Cycles of Power" by Pamela Levin
This period covers the age from approximately 18 months to 3 years. In Transactional Analysis, it is called the "Power to Think" stage or the Separation stage. It is the time when a child first realizes themselves as a separate individual, distinct from their mother.
Why is this stage critical?
The main task of this age is psychological birth (separation). The child shifts from symbiosis ("Mom and I are one") to autonomy ("I am me, You are you").
Key Skills:
- Establishing Boundaries: The child learns to say "No". This is not aggression, but a way to sense where they end and another person begins.
- Reality Testing: The child tests the world through action. "What happens if I push?", "What happens if I run away?".
- Integration of Thinking: The child learns to link cause and effect. It is essential to understand that their actions affect the world, but they are not the cause of everything (e.g., they are not to blame for their parents' bad mood).
Development Sabotage: What goes wrong?
At this age, the child is a "little scientist". They drop a cup not to anger Mom, but to investigate gravity. If parents block this exploratory activity (through overprotection, punishment for mistakes, or intolerance of mess), fixation occurs in one of the polarities:
- "Hurring" Sabotage (Pseudo-independence).Decision: "I don't need anyone."Behavior: The person becomes cold, controlling, and always "right". They fear intimacy because intimacy implies engulfment.
- "Staying Small" Sabotage (Overadaptation).Decision: "I will be helpless so that I am loved."Behavior: The person is afraid to think for themselves because having their own opinion is perceived as a risk of losing the relationship.
Psychological Games of the Third Stage
Games are a substitute for real intimacy and autonomy.
- "See What You Made Me Do": A classic lack of boundaries. The person believes that others control their behavior and emotions.
- "Schlemiel" (The Clumsy One): Getting stuck in destructive "exploratory activity". The person creates a mess, then apologizes. The essence: "You can't make me follow the rules, but I'll pretend it was an accident."
- "Dry Diaper" (Clean Check): Similar to Schlemiel, but the person carefully hides their mistakes to maintain the facade of a "good child".
- "Stupid": A survival strategy—shutting down the brain. "I don't understand how to do this, do it for me." Controlling others through helplessness.
- "I'll Show Them": Getting stuck in rebellion. The person acts contrary not because it's their choice, but to prove their significance to others.
Emotions, Body, and Thinking
A split often occurs at this stage: Thinking vs. Feeling.
- Anger as a thinking stopper. The injunction kicks in: “Don’t feel anger if you want to be smart”.
- Somatic blocks: Holding breath (hypoxia reduces mental clarity), neck tension (disconnecting head from body), bowel issues.
Healing: Reclaiming Your Power
The solution lies in integration: allowing yourself to be vulnerable but thinking with your own head.
Key Affirmations:
- "You can feel anger and still think clearly."
- "You can be a separate person and still be close to others."
- "You don't have to die or kill to separate."
Coaching Questions for Clients
For the "Stupid" Game (Helplessness):
- "If you knew the answer for sure, what would it be?"
- "What is the scary thing that would happen if you handled this task brilliantly and independently?"
- "How old are you right now, in this minute, when you say 'I don't know'?"
For "See What You Made Me Do" (Blame):
- "Where does the other person's responsibility end and yours begin?"
- "Who is the Manager of your life in this situation: you or the circumstances?"
For "I'll Show Them" (Rebellion):
- "Are you doing this because you truly want to, or to prove them wrong?"
- "If you stop fighting, who are you then?"
Body-Oriented Questions:
- "What happens to your breathing when you try to find a solution?"
- "If you allowed yourself to feel anger and think at the same time—what would you understand about this situation?"
Key Insight: I can think and feel at the same time. I can be separate and still remain in a relationship. I don't need to be stupid to be loved, and I don't need to be aggressive to be free.
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