Understanding narcissism through Otto Kernberg & Alice Miller. Explore the 'False Self', inner child healing exercises, and self-therapy with MriyaRun journals.
THE TRAGEDY OF NARCISSISM: KERNBERG’S CLINIC THROUGH THE PRISM OF MILLER’S DRAMA
Leading contemporary psychoanalyst Otto Kernberg devoted significant attention to narcissism in his lectures on the differential diagnosis and therapy of borderline disorders. However, to deeply understand the tragedy of the narcissist, it is worth complementing Kernberg's clinical view with Alice Miller's theses from her work "The Drama of the Gifted Child".
Narcissistic disorder is not just "excessive self-love"; it is a survival method that has become a prison.
Normal vs. Pathological Narcissism: The True Self vs. The False Self
According to Kernberg: Normally, narcissism is a state of well-being and satisfaction with life, a regulation of self-esteem based on real achievements and warm relationships (representations of loved objects). In pathology, representations of significant others are devalued or absent. There is only a grandiose, but totally lonely "Self".
Alice Miller’s Addition:
Miller clarifies that this grandiose "Self" is, in essence, a False Self.
The tragedy begins where the child loses their True Self (their genuine feelings, weakness, spontaneity) to become a mirror for their mother.
- Thesis: The narcissist does not love themselves. On the contrary, their grandiosity is an attempt to escape deep depression and a sense of worthlessness. They love their Image because they long ago rejected their real self as "wrong."
How the Narcissist is Formed: "Narcissistic Extension"
According to Kernberg: Causes include excessive genetically determined aggression, frustration, and early childhood trauma. Parents had difficulties with the capacity to love but took pride in their children's achievements.
Deepening from A. Miller (The Drama of the Gifted Child):
Miller introduces the concept of "narcissistic extension." The narcissist's parents are often emotionally immature themselves. They use the child not as a separate individual to be loved, but as a function to service their own self-esteem.
- Why a "gifted" child? Miller speaks not only of talent (music, math) but of sensitivity. Such a child has "antennas" that unerringly pick up on parental expectations: "Mom only smiles when I bring home an A" or "Dad only notices me when I win."
- Example: A boy falls and cries. Instead of empathy, he hears irritation from his mother: "Don't embarrass me, men don't cry." To keep his mother, he "kills" the part of himself that feels pain and creates the facade of a "strong hero."
- Result: The child learns that love is a currency paid for meeting expectations. They don't love me; they love my mask.
Hostages of Envy and Grandiosity
According to Kernberg: The pathological grandiose "Self" requires constant nourishment. Envy is the desire to destroy the good that another possesses because it serves as a reminder of one's own inferiority.
Alice Miller’s Addition:
Miller explains the nature of this grandiosity as a defense against memories of humiliation.
- Thesis: Grandiosity is the flip side of depression. The narcissist lives on a seesaw: either I am God (and then I am safe), or I am a Nobody (and then I am destroyed). There is no middle ground.
- Example of professional envy: A colleague gets a promotion. A healthy person thinks: "Good job, I want that too." The narcissist feels physical pain. According to Miller, this is the echo of childhood pain: "Once again, they didn't choose me. Once again, I am not good enough to be loved." He devalues the colleague ("he's just a sycophant") to protect his fragile inner world.
The Impossibility of Intimacy: The Search for a Mirror
According to Kernberg: Symptoms include sexual promiscuity, the cycle of "idealization — devaluation," and an inability to depend on a partner. Partners merge into a faceless mass.
Deepening from A. Miller:
Miller notes that in relationships, the narcissist unconsciously seeks what they did not have in childhood: unconditional acceptance and total mirroring. But the paradox is that adult relationships cannot provide this.
- The tragedy of relationships: The narcissist seduces a partner with their False Self (shining, successful). But when the partner falls in love with this image, the narcissist feels lonely: "You love my mask, but if you knew what I am really like (weak, scared), you would leave."
- Mechanism: Devaluation of the partner is a preemptive strike. "I will leave you (emotionally or physically) before you see my emptiness and leave me."
No Access to Feelings (and Conscience)
According to Kernberg: Moral values suffer. Behavior is governed by shame (fear of external exposure) rather than guilt (internal compass).
Alice Miller’s Addition:
Miller calls this the "loss of the world of feelings." A child who was forbidden to feel anger, sadness, or fear grows up to be an "emotional invalid." They have no empathy for others because they have no empathy for themselves—for that little child inside.
- The narcissist's cruelty: This is often unconscious revenge. They treat others as they were (emotionally) treated: using them, ignoring feelings, demanding perfection.
Is it Treatable? The Path through Mourning
According to Kernberg: Therapy is difficult due to control and devaluation of the therapist. The goal is the integration of split-off parts of the "Self" and the restoration of the capacity to love.
Alice Miller’s View (The Therapeutic Key):
Miller believes that healing is possible only through mourning.
The client must dare to face their truth:
- Realize that their "perfect childhood" is an illusion.
- Admit that they were used to satisfy parental needs.
- Feel the anger and pain that were forbidden 20-30-40 years ago.
Healing comes not when the narcissist becomes "even better," but when they allow themselves to "fall apart" and mourn the self they were not allowed to be. Only by passing through the depression of lost illusions does a chance appear to find the True Self—alive, imperfect, but capable of warmth and love.
Conclusion: Returning to the True Self
The tragedy of narcissism, as shown by Kernberg and Miller, is not a story of self-love. It is a story of the total loneliness of a child who had to abandon themselves to survive. Healing is not about "stopping being a narcissist" or "breaking one's ego." It is about finally giving a voice to the True Self that has been silent for years.
The path to recovery lies through mourning illusions and, most importantly, through an honest dialogue with oneself.
Key Insight: The Diary as a Non-Judgmental Mirror
For a person with narcissistic trauma, turning to another person (even a therapist) can be unbearable due to the fear of judgment and shame. This is where a psychological diary becomes an indispensable tool for first contact.
The diary becomes the "Good Enough Parent" that was missing in childhood. It:
- Withstands any truth: Paper is not afraid of your envy, rage, or despair.
- Demands no success: In a diary, there is no need to "save face" or be grandiose.
- Restores sensitivity: Regular writing helps thaw feelings blocked by defense mechanisms.
It is for such deep work on oneself, for building new foundations and reclaiming one's own worth, that we created MriyaRun tools. Our workbooks and diaries are a structured space for safe self-therapy, where you can get to know your real "Self" step by step.
Choose your tool for self-dialogue: https://mriya.run/catalog
Practical Exercise: "Dialogue with the Inner Child"
Inspired by the ideas of Alice Miller, this exercise will help you establish contact with the part of yourself that needs recognition, not correction. Perform it in your diary during moments when you feel strong anxiety, resentment, or a desire to "escape" into grandiosity.
Goal: To give the inner child the experience of being heard without judgment.
Instructions:
- Stop and Feel. When you feel acute emotional pain (e.g., a pang of envy or shame), do not run from it. Pause.
- Locate the Child. Imagine that this pain belongs not to you as an adult, but to a small child inside you. How old are they? What do they look like? Are they crying, clenching their fists, or silently terrified?
- Written Dialogue (Left and Right Hand).Take the pen in your dominant hand (right for right-handers). This is the voice of your Caring Adult. Write a question to the child: "What scared you so much?", "Why are you crying right now?", "I see that you are in pain. Tell me about it."Switch the pen to your non-dominant hand (left for right-handers). This helps bypass the brain's logical control and access the subconscious. Allow the Inner Child to answer. The handwriting may be crooked, the words childish or angry. Do not edit. Let them write: "I hate them!", "I'm afraid they'll kick me out", "I'm worthless."
- Validation (Acceptance). Take the pen as the Adult again. Your task is not to educate, but to accept.Write: "I hear you. You have the right to be angry. You have the right to be envious. It is okay that you are scared. I won't let anyone hurt you anymore. I am here with you."
- Completion. Imagine hugging this child. Feel the tension subside.
Remember: Healing begins where the struggle against one's own feelings ends. Your diary is a place of truce.
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