Unstable Self-Esteem: Responding to Praise and Criticism

On Monday, Oksana receives positive feedback on her work and starts thinking about a more demanding project on the way home. On Tuesday, her manager asks her to rewrite the conclusion. The comment concerns two paragraphs, but Oksana hears much more in it: yesterday they were only trying to encourage her, she has failed, and next time she should keep her ideas to herself. The file has barely changed. What has changed is what the work supposedly proves about her.

Something similar happens with messages at home. A warm reply from someone close restores the feeling that she is all right. A few hours of silence make her revisit their last conversation: did she say too much, or become uninteresting? Before discovering the reason for the pause, she is already trying to correct herself.

Other people’s attention and judgments matter to us. With unstable self-esteem, a single event can change our overall view of ourselves unusually quickly. Recognition then brings brief reassurance, while a comment calls much more into question than was actually said. We can examine this movement through ordinary situations. If reflection feels overwhelming or persistent self-condemnation interferes with life, a psychologist can help explore the experience; a recent, moderately difficult incident is enough for an independent attempt.

Self-esteem varies: good work can feel satisfying, and rejection can hurt. The size of the fluctuations, how long the experience lasts, and how far the conclusion extends also matter. Being upset after a disappointing presentation is one thing. Deciding that it has finally revealed your complete inadequacy, and no longer speaking in meetings, is another.

Psychologist Michael Kernis distinguishes self-esteem level—someone’s usual overall view of their worth—from stability, the short-term fluctuations in those feelings. High self-esteem can also be fragile and require continual confirmation. Kernis, 2005.

A person may speak confidently about achievements yet struggle with even a small disagreement. Someone else may be accustomed to thinking poorly of themselves and barely notice praise. The question “Is my self-esteem high or low?” therefore often leaves something out. It can be more useful to follow what changes it in your own life.

Oksana does good work, but her internal condition is severe: I deserve respect only while my work needs no revisions. Another person permits themselves to feel acceptable only when someone chooses them, finds them attractive, or needs them in the family. The condition may concern education, income, moral perfection, or being able to support everyone.

Jennifer Crocker and Connie Wolfe describe how self-esteem responds to successes and failures in areas on which people have staked their self-worth. This perspective helps explain why the same event affects different people differently. Crocker and Wolfe, 2001.

Having meaningful work, wanting love, and enjoying recognition are ordinary wishes. Difficulties arise when an outcome is granted too much authority. An error at work begins to determine the right to respect, a partner’s disagreement the possibility of being loved, and someone else’s success the value of your own efforts.

After the comment, Oksana starts revising the entire document, although her manager mentioned only the conclusion. That evening, she asks two acquaintances to read the file and repeatedly checks whether it is definitely all right. Their reassurance brings relief. Yet she gains no clearer way of evaluating the work herself: next time, she will need another person’s answer again.

Sometimes people avoid an attempt instead of making extra checks. They do not send an application, show a draft, or voice disagreement. The possible rejection will not happen, but neither will an experience that might help revise their view of themselves. The postponed idea gradually begins to look like evidence of incapacity.

A cycle develops: an event, a sweeping conclusion about the self, tension, reassurance-seeking or avoidance, and brief relief. It is possible to notice this without demanding immediate independence from every opinion. Finding one point where a slightly different action is available is enough to begin.

If adult attention had to be earned through achievement alone, a child may have learned that being ordinary was insufficient. If mistakes were ridiculed, not knowing something may have become a source of shame. A personal history, however, involves many relationships and circumstances. It deserves examination without choosing a culprit or a single explanation in advance.

Present surroundings matter too. Unpredictable demands at work, humiliating jokes, discrimination, prolonged financial difficulty, or exhaustion can unsettle familiar supports. Alongside examining personal conclusions, changes in conditions, support from others, and a realistic distribution of responsibilities may be needed.

The lives of men and women also resist two simple formulas: careers for one group, appearance for the other. What matters is what this particular person learned: what brought them attention, what was expected, which rules they still endorse, and which they no longer accept.

The manager said, “The conclusion needs a clearer connection to the data.” Oksana added, “She has realised I am bad at my job.” The first sentence contains something that can be examined. The second describes an assumption about someone else’s thoughts and a general conclusion about herself.

She can return to the conversation with a question: “Which data should I account for? What already works in the conclusion?” The answer will help define the task. A substantial rewrite may be needed, or perhaps one explanation. The amount of work becomes clearer without guessing how her manager feels about her.

Sometimes feedback really is insulting. There are then two questions: what needs correcting, and how are you being treated? “I am willing to discuss the mistake. Please do it without ridiculing me” makes room for both. The article on the inner critic and devaluation explores this distinction further.

If success is attributed only to luck, it quickly loses its significance. “The client is just kind,” “The task was easy,” or “I had help.” The help and favourable circumstances may have been real. Alongside them, your contribution remains: you asked, prepared, checked, learned, or sought support at the right moment.

Giving praise specifics can help. What went well? Which action contributed to the outcome? What could be repeated elsewhere? Experience gradually becomes more detailed than the brief feeling of being approved of.

Oksana can write down that she explained a complicated table clearly and that the conclusion needs further work. Both belong in the same document. Revising the second no longer has to cost her the acknowledgment of the first.

An acquaintance announces a promotion online. If your sense of worth currently rests on professional recognition, their news may suddenly become an assessment of your life. It is worth pausing at that transition: what do you want for yourself—higher income, more interesting work, visibility, or permission to feel proud of your efforts? Each wish leads to a different conversation and a different plan.

Pauses in messaging can work similarly. Silence has many possible explanations, but a painful conclusion sometimes arrives before any information. You can name what is unknown and make an agreement about communication: “When we are planning an evening together, I need to know by six whether you can make it.”

Repeated disappearances and broken agreements also deserve attention as events within a relationship. Self-observation should not take all attention away from what the other person is doing. A direct question, revised expectations, or a personal boundary may be needed.

A steadier relationship with yourself also grows through your own decisions: keeping a manageable promise, admitting that a task is not yet clear, naming your fee, or declining extra work and seeing what happens afterwards. Gradually, there are facts about how you act when other people’s responses are unknown.

It matters to have more than one area of life in which participation and connection are possible. After a difficult working day, friendship, a walk, caring for someone, or an activity without competition may remain. Access also depends on time, health, and living conditions; sometimes the beginning is a single small reconnection.

The Centre for Clinical Interventions approaches work on self-esteem through particular evaluations, rules, and expectations. That direction can inform ordinary observation too: notice a rule such as “Everyone must like me” and examine how it influences one decision.

Choose an incident after which your view of yourself changed noticeably. Describe the event as an outside observer might: “I was asked to revise my conclusion.” Add the thought separately: “I decided I was incapable of doing anything.” Then name the feeling and what followed it: fear, hurt, and checking the whole file.

Next, try to identify the internal condition: what needed to happen for you to remain satisfied with yourself? Does good work really require never needing revisions? Which facts from this incident support your conclusion, and which do not fit it?

Finally, choose a proportionate action: clarify the comment, revise two paragraphs, ask for time, or postpone a final conclusion until more information is available. Return to the entry a few days later. What matters is what happened after the attempt; there is no need to grade yourself on whether you have become “stable enough” yet.

For a ready-made structure for written reflection, Self-Esteem Through Gratitude, Part 3 covers self-esteem, inner supports, boundaries, criticism, comparison, and trusting yourself. It is a separate 64-page part of the Steps of Gratitude series. You can bring a particular incident to it when you want to explore the experience further.

Gratitude for support can sit alongside anger about unfair treatment in such an entry. You can acknowledge your effort while also naming what was missing. That keeps the experience rounded, without requiring you to see only what was pleasant.

If it is hard to distinguish what arises after someone’s judgment, the EQ Diary of Emotions may be relevant. It contains four sections on basic emotions and their shades, 28 daily questions, and 28 practical tasks. You can revisit one conversation and try to separate shame, anger, sadness, and fear before deciding what to do next. An ordinary notebook is enough for the brief reflection in this article too. These are Ukrainian-language printed products; the links lead to their English-language catalogue pages.

After clarifying the feedback, Oksana rewrites the conclusion. Her manager accepts the new version, but something else matters this time: Oksana can see what she changed and why. The comment did not become proof of her inadequacy, and approval remained feedback on a particular piece of work.

Other people’s words can still delight and hurt. There is more room to bear them long enough to examine their meaning, name your feeling, and choose an action. Further practical approaches appear in the article on seven steps towards a kinder relationship with yourself, while the connection between judgment and wanting to hide is explored in the article on shame.