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Why Do We Choose to Suffer? 6 Hidden Payoffs of Psychological Games by Eric Berne
In Transactional Analysis, the term "Game" sounds deceptively light. It sounds like fun. But Eric Berne meant something else entirely: a Game is an unconscious behavioral pattern that always ends in bad feelings (the "payoff"). We fight, feel used, get offended, or end up lonely.
The logical question arises: if the result is so painful, why do we keep playing?
The answer is simple: because we win. Every game gives us a specific "payoff" or advantage that our psyche relies on. Berne identified six main advantages that keep us hooked in these scripts. Let's look at them in detail.
1. Internal Psychological Advantage: "Maintaining Stability"
The Essence: Our psyche seeks homeostasis (balance). We all have deep-seated beliefs about ourselves and the world (e.g., "I am a failure" or "The world is hostile"). A game allows us to confirm these beliefs and avoid facing a reality that might disprove them. We choose familiar pain over unknown happiness.
Real-life Example: "The Eternal Cinderella"
Elena is a talented designer but has a script belief: “I don't deserve success; my place is in the background.” Whenever she is offered a promotion or a big project, she unconsciously starts a game: she "accidentally" forgets to send a file, gets sick on presentation day, or quarrels with the client.
- The Payoff: The project goes to someone else. Elena is upset but calm. Her internal world ("I am a small person") remains intact. She doesn't have to take responsibility for success, which scares her more than failure.
❓ Question for Self-Reflection:
What old belief about myself am I trying to protect with this situation? Am I afraid that success will destroy my familiar self-image?
2. External Psychological Advantage: "Avoiding Fear"
The Essence: This is a defense against anxiety-inducing situations right here and now. The game allows us to avoid a direct confrontation with what scares us (responsibility, intimacy, admitting guilt) by shifting attention to another problem.
Real-life Example: "Yes, But..."
Andrew constantly complains to friends that his job is terrible. Friends give advice: "Update your CV," "Talk to the boss." Andrew replies: "Yes, that's a good idea, but I don't have time right now / there is a crisis / I'm not ready yet."
- The Payoff: As long as Andrew engages in endless conversations about the problem, he has a legitimate excuse to do nothing. He avoids the real action (job interviews, possible rejection) that terrifies him.
❓ Question for Self-Reflection:
What did I avoid today by starting this conversation? What real action am I afraid of?
3. Internal Social Advantage: "Pseudo-Intimacy"
The Essence: A way to structure time with loved ones (family, colleagues) while avoiding true openness. Games give us a "safe" topic for interaction when we don't know how or are afraid to talk about feelings.
Real-life Example: "Courtroom in the Living Room"
A couple is having dinner. The silence becomes unbearable because they have forgotten how to talk about feelings. The husband says, "You oversalted the soup again." The wife explodes. An hour-long argument begins.
- The Payoff: This is a surrogate for intimacy. If they didn't fight, they would have to sit in a silence that screams alienation or discuss the fact that their love has faded. The fight is a safe way to be "together" and fill the evening with emotions.
❓ Question for Self-Reflection:
What would we have to talk about if we stopped this argument? Why is the silence between us so scary?
4. External Social Advantage: "Topic for Conversation"
The Essence: An opportunity to "gossip" in the outer circle. Games give us material for "pastimes" with neighbors or colleagues. It is the social glue that binds people together.
Real-life Example: "Ain't It Awful!"
Two acquaintances meet and start discussing the news, the government, prices. "Did you hear what they came up with again? It's just awful!"
- The Payoff: They feel unity and social belonging ("We are okay, we are normal, and the world is crazy") without making an effort to truly know each other's personalities.
❓ Question for Self-Reflection:
Do I have anything to talk about with people if we stop complaining about circumstances or third parties?
5. Biological Advantage: "Emotional Hunger"
The Essence: Getting "strokes" (recognition/attention). For the human psyche, any attention is better than none. If we don't know how to get love, we provoke games to get at least anger or criticism.
Real-life Example: "The Troublemaker"
A teenager ignored by busy parents breaks a vase or acts rudely. The parents scream, cry, and spend a lot of time focused on him.
- The Payoff: He gets an intense dose of attention. Even if it is aggression, he feels that he exists and is noticed. This is a way to satisfy sensory hunger.
❓ Question for Self-Reflection:
Am I provoking a conflict simply because I am lonely and want at least some reaction to myself?
6. Existential Advantage: "Confirming Life Position"
The Essence: This is the deepest payoff. The game always ends with a moment of triumph for the Script, when a person can say: "See, I knew it!". This cements our worldview.
Real-life Example: "All Men Are..."
A woman with the position "No one can be trusted" chooses a partner with a reputation as a womanizer. Everyone warns her, but she believes in a miracle. When he cheats on her, she is hurt.
- The Payoff: In the finale, she is convinced she was right: "All men are traitors." This gives a false but powerful sense of security and predictability of the world. A person sacrifices happiness to be right.
❓ Question for Self-Reflection:
What phrase do I say to myself in the finale? Did I start all this just to say "I told you so"?
How to Stop Playing?
Understanding these six advantages is the first step to freedom. But knowing the theory is not enough; you need to be able to track your boundaries and true needs in the moment.
To learn how to spot games and build healthy relationships, I recommend using a practical tool — the "Diary of the Mistress of Her Boundaries". It will help you record your states, analyze payoffs, and change scripts.
Order the Diary: Diary of the Mistress of Her Boundaries
A payoff is not necessarily a conscious plan
In transactional analysis, a psychological game is a repeating interaction with a covert message and familiar ending. Its “payoff” may confirm an old belief, avoid a direct request, or preserve familiar distance; it is not necessarily conscious manipulation. Map the opening, unspoken expectation, role shift, ending, and what each participant gained or avoided.
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CBT SHIFT helps separate the event, automatic conclusion, and an available alternative action.
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