The Vicious Cycle of Contempt: How Repressed Childhood Anger Rules Our Adult Reality
We are used to viewing anger as a destructive emotion to be avoided. But what if true destruction begins precisely when we suppress this anger? In her work, The Drama of the Gifted Child, Alice Miller reveals the tragedy of "repressed emotions" that do not disappear but turn into a poison, permeating our professional lives, personal relationships, and even political convictions for years.
The Mechanism of "Inherited" Anger
Miller provides a brilliant example: a university professor who explains material in such a convoluted and complex way that students are forced to literally "curb their irritation" just to grasp anything at all. Why does he do this? Most likely, he is unconsciously recreating a situation from his own childhood.
Once, he himself was a child forced into overexertion, whose feelings were ignored or ridiculed. Now, holding power, he pays back this debt—not to his parents, but to a new generation. This is the vicious cycle of contempt: a person who was humiliated subconsciously seeks someone they can humiliate in return to finally rid themselves of the feeling of their own helplessness.
Anger as a Remedy Against Illusions
The most important insight of the text is that conscious anger is the path to healing.
- Intellectual understanding does not heal. You may know that your parents were destructive, but until you feel the rage at emotional and physical levels, you remain trapped.
- Catharsis through experiencing. When a patient in therapy finally allows themselves to "experience the anger" instead of stifling it, a miracle happens—the anger vanishes. It reappears only when there is a real, present reason for it.
- Release of the body. Experiencing strong emotions unloads the body from the tension accumulated over the years. A person regains lightness and the feeling that life is "vibrant and full."
The Social Threat of Hidden Rage
Miller goes beyond the therapist’s office and looks at the root of social catastrophes. She asserts: nationalism, hostility, and ideologies of hatred are merely masks for repressed childhood pain.
People who are not ready to face the truth about their past and how they were treated by their parents become the ideal substrate for destructive movements. They seek "scapegoats" in politics or other nations to direct their accumulated anger, which they are afraid to address to the true source—their family. The safety of society depends on the ability of each individual to acknowledge their own history without embellishment.
Mark’s Story: From a Professional Mask to the Authentic "Self"
Mark was a successful top manager, known for his "iron discipline" and sharp, cold mind. His employees feared him: he could devalue a team's week of work with a single remark, doing so with a barely perceptible but painful smile.
Mark had everything except one thing—he never felt true joy. His whole life felt like an endless exam. In therapy, Mark spent a long time talking about his "perfect" parents who gave him the best education. But when he started reading Miller, one episode surfaced in his memory.
He is six years old. He comes home from school and tries to tell his mother how sad he felt because no one played with him. Without looking up from her book, his mother coldly replied: "Mark, smart people don't whine; they make themselves interesting to others. Go and learn ten more English words."
In that moment, little Mark felt a massive surge of anger, which he immediately "swallowed" because being angry at such a smart mother was forbidden. He learned to be "better than others" so he would never have to feel that loneliness and humiliation again.
Thirty years later, he was doing the same to his subordinates: he made them feel like "specks of dust in the wind." Only through deep work with this suppressed childhood anger, through catharsis and the acknowledgment that his mother was cruel in her indifference, was Mark able to break this cycle.
He stopped "playing the professor" who needed to self-assert at the expense of others. His anger toward his mother, finally experienced, cleared the space for empathy—first for himself, and then for those who worked alongside him.
Insight from MriyaRun:
Anger is not your enemy; it is a powerful signal from your system that your boundaries have been violated and your true "Self" has been ignored. Attempting to "tame" it only preserves the pain, which eventually turns into the devaluation of yourself and others. True strength emerges when we grant ourselves the right to feel without making excuses.
Conclusion:
Breaking free from the "vicious cycle of contempt" starts with an honest dialogue with yourself. When we reclaim the right to our own feelings, the world around us ceases to feel hostile, and the need for masks vanishes. This is the path to freedom—where you lead your life, not your repressed memories.
Begin your journey of self-discovery:
To dive deeper into your emotions and understand the mechanisms governing your life, explore our self-therapeutic psychological tools: MriyaRun Self-Therapy Tools
MriyaRun Self-Therapy Tools