Always rescuing others or feeling like a victim? Learn how to spot psychological games, avoid the "Secret Checklist" trap, and set boundaries without guilt. Insights from Dmytro Telushko's book.
How to Escape the Drama Triangle
Author: Dmytro Telushko
Based on the book: Mistress of Her Boundaries
Have you ever felt suddenly exhausted, irritated, or guilty after a seemingly normal work conversation? On a social level, everything looked polite, but internally, something felt off. Most likely, you became a participant in a psychological game and fell into the Karpman Drama Triangle.
This is a trap where we unconsciously play the roles of Victim (complains and avoids responsibility), Rescuer (helps without being asked to validate themselves), or Persecutor (criticizes and blames).
Anatomy of the Game: Hidden Transactions
Games don't start with words, but with subtext. Imagine a manager saying, "I give you full freedom on this project." But when you deliver the result, they start criticizing every step because you didn't do it the way they thought, but didn't voice.
This is the "Secret Checklist" trap. You were supposedly delegated the result, but you are judged by a hidden process. This kills motivation and destroys trust. To avoid becoming a Victim in such a situation, you need to activate your "Adult" ego state: ask clarifying questions about success criteria before starting the work.
5 Phrases to Set Boundaries Without Offense
Escaping the triangle means having the ability to say "no" to the game while remaining in an Adult position. Here are 5 universal templates from the book to help protect yourself:
- Validation + Refusal:“I appreciate you thinking of me, but with my current workload, I can't take this on”.This lowers the other person's defenses but clearly marks the limit.
- “I appreciate you thinking of me, but with my current workload, I can't take this on”.
- This lowers the other person's defenses but clearly marks the limit.
- Buying Time:“I need some time to think about this. I'll get back to you with an answer”.Perfect for high-pressure situations. You shift from reactive agreement to a conscious decision.
- “I need some time to think about this. I'll get back to you with an answer”.
- Perfect for high-pressure situations. You shift from reactive agreement to a conscious decision.
- Need as a Wish:“I would like our meetings to last no more than 30 minutes to maintain focus”.This is an invitation to cooperate, not a conflict.
- “I would like our meetings to last no more than 30 minutes to maintain focus”.
- This is an invitation to cooperate, not a conflict.
- Appeal to Discomfort:“I am uncomfortable discussing my finances / gossiping about colleagues”.One cannot argue with feelings. This is a firm boundary.
- “I am uncomfortable discussing my finances / gossiping about colleagues”.
- One cannot argue with feelings. This is a firm boundary.
- A Direct "No":“No, I can't do that tonight”.The simplest and most honest boundary.
- “No, I can't do that tonight”.
- The simplest and most honest boundary.
Boundaries Are About Growth
Remember: changing boundaries is not inconsistency; it is a sign of growth. What worked for you at the start of your career might be an obstacle now that you have a family. A growing plant needs a bigger pot. Allow yourself to evolve.
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