How to communicate from an Adult ego state? A guide to I-statements, protection against workplace mobbing, and anti-rudeness techniques. Insights from Dmytro Telushko's book.
From I-Statements to Bullying Defense: How to Master Communication
Author: Dmytro Telushko
Based on the book: Mistress of Her Boundaries
Communication isn't just swapping words. It's a space where we either build bridges or erect walls. Often, we fall into the trap of mind-reading or become victims of manipulation. How can you step out of the Victim role, activate your inner "Adult," and protect yourself from toxic influences?
Let's explore key tools from the book "Mistress of Her Boundaries".
1. Activating the "Adult": Stop Mind-Reading
Abstract words like "success" or "respect" mean different things to different people. To avoid wandering in a fog of assumptions, use clarification techniques :
- Clarification Technique: Ask directly. "What exactly do you mean when you say 'we need to act more decisively'?" or "What specific steps do you see in the new strategy?".
- Paraphrasing Technique: Mirror the person's thought in your own words. "If I understood you correctly, you think the problem is the lack of a plan?". This makes the other person feel heard.
- Activating Questions: Instead of closed questions ("Do you agree?"), ask open ones: "What do you think about this?" or "How can this be fixed in the best way?" .
2. The Power of "I-Statements": Speaking from the Heart
True intimacy is born when we speak in the first person. An "I-statement" is not selfishness; it is transparency of intent. It is a formula that allows you to set a boundary without attacking the other person.
The "I-Statement" Formula:
- Fact: "When you [objective behavior]..."
- Emotion: "...I feel [your emotion]..."
- Need: "...because [your need]..."
- Request: "...and I would like [specific action]" .
Example: Instead of yelling "You're late again!", say: "When you are 30 minutes late and don't warn me, I feel irritated and disrespected because I value my time. I would like you to warn me about delays next time" .
3. Operation "Anti-Boor": When Politeness Fails
Sometimes "I-statements" are powerless because the provocateur doesn't care about your feelings—they want your reaction.
Defense Techniques:
- "Stone Wall": A short, neutral response without emotion. "I am not ready to continue the conversation in this tone." Then—physically walk away .
- "Surprised Entomologist": Look at the rude person with the curiosity of a researcher and ask: "Do you want to offend me? For what purpose?" This confuses them and exposes the manipulation .
- Inner Boundary: If you want to be rude back—pause. Ask yourself: "What is more important: venting anger or preserving my dignity?".
4. Hidden Workplace Bullying: Recognizing the Enemy
The enemy doesn't always attack openly. Hidden bullying (mobbing, nitpicking) masks itself as "constructive criticism".
Signs of Hidden Bullying:
- Nitpicking: Obsessing over details (commas, fonts) while ignoring the substance of the work.
- Gaslighting: "You're imagining things," "You're too emotional," "I never said that" .
- Micromanagement: Demanding approval for every step under the guise of "trust".
- Responsibility Trap: Forcing you to take responsibility for risky decisions while ignoring your warnings.
The Mistress's Defense Strategy:
- Document Everything: Collect evidence, emails, dates. This helps distinguish reality from gaslighting.
- Don't Play the Triangle: Don't become a Victim or a Persecutor. Breathe and remain an Adult.
- Return Responsibility: "My responsibility is to provide recommendations. The final decision is yours".
5. Non-Evaluative Feedback: How to Praise Correctly
Even praise can be toxic if it's judgmental ("You're great," "Perfect work"). Instead, use descriptive feedback.
Formula: [Fact] + [Your Feeling] + [Gratitude].
Instead of: "The event was super!"
Try: "When the discussion started, I felt an insight because these questions worried me. Thank you for such thoughtful organization" .
Remember, true mastery is not just protecting boundaries, but building a space where you feel comfortable and safe being yourself.
- Mriya.run: Space for Conscious Change. Learning, Practice & Tools
- Tools & Resources
- Assertiveness, Bullying & I-Statements: The Complete Guide by the Mistress of Boundaries