Are your boundaries constantly being tested? Learn about the "Extinction Burst," how to embrace frustration, and use the "Broken Record" technique. Insights from Dmytro Telushko's book.
The Art of Withstanding: How to Maintain Boundaries When the World Pushes Back
Author: Dmytro Telushko
Based on the book: Mistress of Her Boundaries
Creating a plan and voicing your boundaries is only half the battle. The real test begins when you face reality. This phase is called "Withstanding" — the training of your psychological resilience .
Why is it so hard to hold the line, and how can you turn discomfort into strength? Let’s explore key insights from Chapter 6 of the book "Mistress of Her Boundaries."
Frustration: Your Toughest Trainer
We are used to considering frustration an enemy. It’s that unpleasant feeling when "I want" meets the world saying "no." But in reality, frustration is the GPS navigator of your boundaries .
If you feel irritation when a colleague asks you to work late, or when relatives give unsolicited advice, it’s a signal. Your psyche is screaming: "Alert! Perimeter breach!" .
How to work with frustration?
- Name it: "Hello, frustration. I see that my need for peace is not being met right now" .
- Breathe: It is a physical sensation; allow it to pass through your body.
- Activate the Adult: Ask yourself what action needs to be taken to protect yourself .
Remember: it is better to feel the sharp but short frustration of setting a boundary than the dull, endless pain of its absence.
Why Do They Push Harder? The "Extinction Burst" Phenomenon
You started saying "no," and in response, you get even more pressure, guilt-tripping, or drama? Don't panic. This is the "snap-back maneuver".
In psychology, this is called an "extinction burst." When your old behavior (being convenient, never saying no) stops bringing people the usual result, they subconsciously increase the pressure to return things to "how they were" .
This resistance is the best proof that your changes are working. Your task is simply to withstand this storm. If you remain steadfast, the old behavior pattern of those around you will fade away.
The "No" Toolkit: Techniques for Tough Situations
To withstand the pressure, you need tools. Here are a few techniques from the book:
1. The "Broken Record" Technique
Ideal for persistent manipulators. The essence: calmly repeat the same phrase without changing the wording or making excuses .
- Opponent: "Come to work on Saturday!"
- You: "Sorry, I can't work on weekends."
- Opponent: "But the project is urgent!"
- You: "I understand, but I can't work on weekends" .
2. The Consequence Map (If... Then...)
If boundaries are systematically ignored, it's time for consequences. This is not a threat, but an adult warning .
- Example: "If you are more than 15 minutes late again, I won't be able to wait for you and I will leave".
3. The Counter-Offer
When you want to help, but on your own terms.
- Example: "I can't lend you my car, but I can drive you to the airport".
The Trap of the Past: Let Go of the Illusion of Control
We often get stuck in thoughts like: "If only I had replied differently back then..." This mental chewing gum (rumination) prevents us from building the future . Accepting that the past cannot be changed frees up colossal energy for action in the present .
Key Takeaway: Your boundaries are not solid walls, but a flexible fence with a gate. You have the right to change them, opening them for loved ones and closing them for those who destroy your peace .
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