How to stop comparing yourself to others and handle criticism? Building healthy boundaries and assertiveness. Practical tips from Dmytro Telushko's workbook.
Author: Dmytro Telushko
From the book: "Steps of Gratitude" Diary (Part 3: Self-Esteem)
Self-esteem is not just a mirror of our internal consciousness, but a flexible bridge connecting us to the world. We often ask ourselves: Do we see ourselves through our own achievements or through the eyes of others?.
In this excerpt from the "Steps of Gratitude" workbook, we explore how to maintain your value while interacting with society.
1. The Trap of Comparison: Idealization and Devaluation
We are used to measuring ourselves by other people's standards, alternately raising them to a pedestal or throwing them down.
Idealization: When we admire someone, we often see a projection of our own expectations and unrealized desires rather than the real person.
Devaluation: This is a defense mechanism against disappointment. However, phrases like "it was just a coincidence" wear away our self-belief like water wears away stone.
True self-esteem is the ability to accept one's mistakes without self-destruction. Gratitude for your uniqueness helps maintain balance in this game of light and shadow.
2. Personal Boundaries: The Balance of "Yes" and "No"
Self-esteem is the boundary we establish between ourselves and others.
Every conscious "yes" opens up possibilities.
Every bold "no" strengthens our position and prevents us from sacrificing our desires for the comfort of others.
Protecting your boundaries is a responsibility to yourself. Assertiveness (the ability to openly express needs) creates healthy relationships where boundaries are a meeting point for two personalities, not a barrier.
3. Criticism: A Mirror or Poison?
Criticism can be a wind that refreshes or one that knocks you off your feet. It is crucial to distinguish:
Constructive Criticism: This is a "sculpting knife" that helps you become better by pointing out areas for improvement without humiliation.
Toxic Criticism: This is a "poisoned thorn" aimed at lowering your self-esteem and causing negative emotions.
Gratitude for feedback allows you to grow, but accepting everything without a filter is a path to losing your "self".
4. Practical Exercise: Changing Your Mindset
Try this simple exercise from our diary to transform your internal dialogue:
Track: Write down negative thoughts (e.g., "I won't succeed at anything").
Change: Reframe them into positive affirmations (e.g., "I have many skills and can learn new ones").
Reinforce: Repeat the new statements daily to anchor them in your consciousness.
