Are you a "Rescuer"? Learn how to stop imposing help, exit the Drama Triangle, and build healthy boundaries using Transactional Analysis. Insights from Dmytro Telushko's book.
Rescue Syndrome and the Art of Healthy Boundaries: How to Stop "Inflicting Good"
Have you ever heard the idea that personal boundaries are selfish and hinder the achievement of big goals? This is a common myth. In reality, boundaries do not limit you; they discipline you, make you more effective, and force you to think strategically rather than just "working endlessly".
But what happens when we confuse care with boundary violations, and help with the imposition of "good"? Let’s explore the psychology of the "Rescuer" and learn how to respond to provocations from an Adult position.
The Dangerous Art of "Inflicting Good"
There is a type of behavior that can be described by the motto: "Catch up and inflict good". This is the classic position of the "Rescuer" in the Karpman Drama Triangle.
The Rescuer acts without a request. They decide for themselves what is "good" for another person and begin to impose it, which is a direct violation of personal boundaries. This role gives an illusory sense of power and significance: "I know better".
However, this game is doomed to a dramatic finale. The object of rescue (the "Victim") sooner or later begins to resist because no one likes to be considered incompetent or deprived of the right to choose. The Rescuer then inevitably turns into the Persecutor ("I do so much for you, and you are ungrateful!") or the Victim ("No one appreciates me").
The Tactical Arsenal of the "Rescuer"
Boundary violations are often disguised as care. Here are some typical strategies:
The "Trojan Horse" Method: Disguising unsolicited advice as something mundane. For example: "I accidentally came across information that will definitely help you" (when you didn't ask for advice).
The "Tsunami of Care" Tactic: A total offensive that deprives a person of space. This includes incessant calls, "useful" articles, and attempts to solve your problems without your knowledge.
Operation "Sweet Ambush": You are invited for coffee just to "talk," but the conversation turns into an interrogation and the drafting of an action plan that you are "obliged" to follow.
How to Exit the Game: The Adult Position
According to Transactional Analysis, our personality has three ego states: Child (emotions, desires), Parent (rules, criticism, care), and Adult (rationality, facts).
Provocateurs, consciously or unconsciously, try to drive you into the role of a Child or a Parent. Your task is not to succumb but to activate the Adult position, which operates with facts, evaluates the "here and now" reality, and takes responsibility for decisions.
Step-by-Step Guide to Reacting to Provocation
If your boundaries are being violated, use this three-step algorithm.
Step 1: Internal Reaction — Stay CalmThe first reaction is always emotional, and that is normal.
Pause: Do not answer instantly. Give your rational brain time to engage.
Breathe: Deep inhales and exhales are the fastest way to calm the nervous system.
"Ground" yourself: Feel your feet on the floor, notice objects around you.
Name the emotion: Tell yourself: "I am feeling anger right now." This reduces the intensity of the emotion.
Step 2: Analyze the Situation (Adult Position)
When emotions subside, ask yourself:
What is actually happening? (Facts, not interpretations) .
What is the provocateur's goal? (Self-affirmation? Guilt tripping?) .
What role am I being dragged into? (Victim? Aggressor?) .
Step 3: Assertive ResponseAssertiveness is defending your boundaries while respecting others. Use these techniques:
"I-statements": Instead of accusations ("You are offending me"), talk about yourself: "When you speak in that tone, I feel irritation".
Stating facts and asking questions: "I see you don't like the result. What exactly do you propose to fix?".
The "Fog" Technique: Partial agreement with the truth to confuse the provocateur. "Yes, maybe I am spending more time on this task than you expected".
Setting limits: Clearly outline unacceptable behavior. "I am not ready to continue the conversation in this tone".
Conclusion
Boundaries are not about limitations, but about consciously designing your life. Remember that true support is based on respect, not rescue. Your goal is not to become a hero in someone else's life, but to be a reliable ally who respects another's path, even if it is full of mistakes.
