The Social Aspect of Depression: Why Losing Yourself is the Price of Being "Convenient"
By: Dmytro Telushko (Based on the works of Alice Miller)
We are used to thinking of depression as an illness of sadness. But what if depression is actually the cry of our true Self, which has been suppressed for years to meet the expectations of others?
In her seminal book, The Drama of the Gifted Child, Alice Miller raises a critical issue: social adaptation as a path to losing one's identity. Let's take a closer look at how the desire to be "good" and "accepted" destroys our lives and how to find a way out.
The Adaptation Mechanism: Survival at the Cost of Feelings
A child comes into this world with one basic need: to be loved. If parents are unable to accept the child with all their emotions (anger, fear, jealousy), the child makes an unconscious choice: "I will give up my true self so that you will love me."
This is the mechanism of adaptation.
- In childhood: It saves life and the psyche. The child becomes "convenient," anticipates the parents' wishes, and becomes their "therapist" or source of pride.
- In adulthood: This strategy turns into a trap. The person continues to seek support not within themselves, but in others (partners, groups, social approval).
“The individual needs to find support within himself if he does not want to become a plaything in the hands of others.”
The Illusion of Group Support
Many try to fill the inner void by belonging to groups (collectives, subcultures, even therapeutic communities). This provides temporary relief—an illusion that "we are together," "I am accepted."
But Alice Miller warns: if a group is used merely as a crutch to replace a missing inner foundation, it does not heal; it only preserves dependence. The person simply swaps dependence on parents for dependence on the group, never daring to face their true loneliness and autonomy.
Repetition of the Scenario: The Cases of Paula and Amar
Most dramatically, this mechanism manifests in relationships. We unconsciously choose partners who allow us to reenact our childhood trauma.
Paula’s Story: The Escape That Became a Trap
Paula (28) grew up in a patriarchal family where her mother was completely submissive to her father. Paula hated this and decided her life would be different. She married a "submissive" man.
- The Reality: Outwardly, she switched roles (becoming dominant), but inwardly, she remained the same traumatized child. She humiliated herself with promiscuity and suffered from depression and alcoholism.
- The Insight: Her rebellion was merely the flip side of obedience. True freedom came only when she realized her anger toward her mother and stopped transferring this model onto her own life.
Amar’s Story: Mother’s "Husband"
Amar (40) was raised by a single mother. She turned him into her emotional partner, shared adult problems with him, and even massaged him in an intimate manner.
- The Reality: Amar married a woman who tyrannized him. He couldn't leave because he was emotionally tethered to the image of the "engulfing mother."
- The Insight: He feared his wife just as he had feared losing his mother's love as a child—a mother who exploited his helplessness. Only by experiencing his disgust and rage toward his mother could he stop being a victim in his marriage.
Grandiosity and Depression: Two Sides of the Same Coin
This is the key idea of the excerpt. Both the person with depression ("I am worthless") and the person with delusions of grandeur ("I am the best") are doing the same thing: denying the reality of their childhood.
- The Depressive lives in fear of losing love, blaming themselves.
- The Grandiose lives in the illusion of achievement to earn love.
Both cannot admit the painful truth: "I was not loved for who I was as a child. I was used to satisfy my parents' needs."
Conclusion: How to Find a Way Out?
The way out of the vicious circle of depression and dependence lies not in finding the "perfect partner" or the "best group." It lies through:
- Giving up illusions. Admitting that the past cannot be changed, and the love we didn't receive in childhood cannot be "earned" now.
- Permission for emotions. Experiencing the anger, pain, and despair that were forbidden to the child.
- Building inner support. When we learn to listen to our true needs rather than adapting, depression recedes.
From Survival to Living
The depression described by Alice Miller is not just a bad mood. It is a signal from our psyche that our old methods of adaptation (being "convenient," suppressing feelings, seeking approval) no longer work. In childhood, they helped us survive, but now they prevent us from truly living.
Healing begins not with blaming parents, but with restoring sensitivity. We need to relearn how to hear that quiet voice inside us that we silenced years ago. This is a journey from asking "Who should I be?" to answering "Who am I really?".
This path requires courage, but you don't have to walk it alone or without a map.
MriyaRun Tools for Reconnecting with Yourself
Understanding how difficult this journey can be, I created the MriyaRun platform to provide you with support and a safe space to meet your true self. Here is where you can start today:
Start an Honest Dialogue with Yourself (Free)
Alice Miller writes that the first step is acknowledging the truth. However, we are often afraid to admit our feelings even to ourselves.
- The Solution: Start writing in the free MriyaRun online diary. This is your private space where you can pour out anger, resentment, or fear without censorship. Regular entries help separate "your" thoughts from imposed beliefs.
If Words Are Not Enough — Use Images
Sometimes trauma lies deeper than words can reach. Our subconscious speaks the language of symbols.
- The Solution: Try working with Metaphorical Associative Cards (MAC) online. Choose a deck (e.g., "My Myth") and ask a question: “What is my Inner Child feeling right now?” or “What emotion am I forbidding myself to feel?”. The cards help bypass the mind's defenses and see the true cause of your state.
Restoring Boundaries and Foundations
If you, like the characters Paula or Amar, feel that you are not living your own life and are constantly adapting, you need a structure for change.
- The Solution: My author’s workbooks, such as "Steps of Gratitude" or "Mistress of Your Boundaries", serve as step-by-step guides. They replace chaotic attempts to "change" with consistent psychological work to strengthen your Self.
"Mistress of Your Boundaries"