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Trauma, an old fairy tale, and the loss of flexibility: why we repeat the same scenario
Author: Dmytro Telushko
Sometimes a person thinks that they are just "like that". We tend to merge with our habits, considering them the foundation of our own identity. The kind who is silent when they should have spoken up long ago. Keeps silent, swallowing their own needs, afraid to upset the fragile balance in relationships. The kind who saves others when not asked, even if their own resources have long been exhausted. The kind who endures, explains, waits, smoothes things over, adapts, disappears at the right moment, or, conversely, becomes harsh exactly where they wanted closeness the most.
And then they neatly explain it to themselves: "Well, I am just responsible," "I don't want to dramatize," "I am an adult," "someone in this relationship has to be adequate". It sounds beautiful, socially acceptable, and extremely logical. Almost like a resume for the internal HR department, designed to convince ourselves that we are doing everything right.
But often, this is not character in its pure form. And not a "weakness" for which a person might secretly blame themselves. And not ill will. Often this is an old internal fairy tale that the psyche once wrote as a way to survive. It is an adaptation that once saved us, and has now turned into invisible shackles.
Trauma narrows the choices. It cuts off many behavioral options, leaving only those that once guaranteed safety. It does not always take away the ability to think, work, love, or be functional. Sometimes a person can look very collected, smart, adult, and successful. They might manage large projects or help other people overcome their crises. But in certain situations, their reaction seems to become automatic. As if an old button is pressed inside, and instead of a living choice, a long-familiar scenario is turned on.
Freedom begins where a pause appears between the stimulus and the reaction. Not perfect wisdom, unattainable for an ordinary person. Not complete healing, which can take years to achieve. Just a small space in which one can notice: "Right now, I am entering my old fairy tale again".
The old fairy tale as an automatic reaction
In fairy tale therapy, we look at the life scenario through images. Not because adults need to "play with fairy tales," but because the psyche often stores experience not in dry formulas, but in scenes. Logic can deceive, but an image imprinted in the body and memory always shows the true picture.
- One person waits their whole life to finally be called to the center of the room.
- Another saves other people's endings so as not to be left out of the equation.
- Someone is silent because the truth was once dangerous.
- Someone becomes a "strong hero" because in their fairy tale, the weak were not held in arms.
- Someone chooses the role of a Snowflake, even though a Fox has long lived inside them with sharp words, a normal appetite for life, and a not-very-therapeutic character.
If this topic resonates with you, you can start with the basic material on how fairy tale therapy and life scenarios work. It explains in more detail why fairy tales, movies, songs, and favorite plots can be not just memories, but internal maps.
In our topic, there is Marta Savenko. She is a literary editor. She works with children's books, retellings of fairy tales, family histories, psychological texts, and manuscripts "about important things". Marta knows how to see where the text lies. She can find falsehood in a sentence faster than others will find the glasses on their own head. She feels the subtext, the pause, the extra word, the unsuccessful ending. Next to her, complex things often become clearer.
But there is one problem: Marta sees the lie in someone else's text better than in her own "I am not offended". Her professional vision goes blind when it comes to her own boundaries and feelings.
Her old fairy tale sounds something like this: if I am useful, subtle, precise, and indispensable, they will not leave me. If I can edit someone else's chaos, they will let me into another person's life. If I don't ask directly, but become very needed, perhaps they will choose me without the risk of hearing "no".
This is not a "bad scenario". Once upon a time, it protected her. It gave her a profession, sensitivity, precision, and the ability to read subtext. Our traumas often form our greatest strengths. But over time, the protection became a cage. And not an iron and dramatic one, but a very decent one. With shelves, a pencil, half-finished tea, and excellent argumentation as to why it is not yet time to leave it.
Trauma doesn't just hurt. It organizes the world
One of the most difficult consequences of a traumatic experience is that it changes not only the memory of the past, but also the way of seeing the present. Trauma becomes a kind of glasses through which a person looks at every new situation.
A person begins to live as if the world is still arranged according to the rules of that pain.
- If a direct desire met with shame in childhood, asking can seem like humiliation in adulthood.
- If love was given for convenience, an adult may confuse intimacy with usefulness.
- If emotions in the family were not named directly, a person can brilliantly analyze other people's feelings, but present their own pain as an "interesting observation".
- If a child was praised for being "easy" to deal with, they can grow into a person who doesn't know who to be when they are no longer making life easier for anyone.
Trauma creates more than just a wound. It creates a map of the world. And this map can be outdated, but very convincing. It seems to say: "Don't go there. Don't ask. Don't show yourself. Don't get angry. Don't be too happy, because something is about to fall. Don't be too sad, because everyone is already having a hard time".
It sounds like a navigator that hasn't been updated in a long time, but still confidently guides you across a non-existent bridge. And we obediently turn where it tells us, even if we see an abyss ahead.
For Marta, this map was not formed because of one big catastrophe. Her childhood was outwardly decent: books, clean curtains, school blouses, adults who knew how to behave in public. But feelings in her family were rarely called by their names. They spoke of love through duty, of resentment through silence, of pride through the demand to try even harder. In such families, emotional coldness is masked as intelligence and good upbringing.
Marta understood early on: it is dangerous to ask directly. You have to become so valuable that what is desired is given without a request.
This is how an old fairy tale is born. Not from a single sentence. But from hundreds of little scenes where convenience was rewarded with warmth, and directness met a tense pause.
Why we repeat the old scenario
A traumatic scenario repeats itself not because a person "understands nothing". On the contrary, many people understand everything perfectly well. They can explain their pattern, name the defense, find the childhood root, quote a therapist, and even make a beautiful post out of it. They can be experts in their own pain.
And then again answer: "I understand," when in fact they wanted to say: "It hurts me that you canceled the meeting again".
The problem is not just in knowledge. The problem is in automatism.
The scenario is often triggered faster than a person has time to think. The body has already tensed up. The jaw has clenched. The voice has become more even. The message has already been typed—something very adult, calm, and almost lifeless. Bodily memory outpaces cognitive analysis.
For example:
- "I understand everything" instead of "It is important to me that agreements with me are made honestly".
- "It's nothing terrible" instead of "This is unpleasant for me".
- "Whatever is convenient for you" instead of "I also have desires".
- "I'm just worried about you" instead of "I'm taking on your responsibility again because that's how I feel needed".
At this moment, the old fairy tale seems to write the answer instead of the person. And it writes very fast. Without a draft. But in a familiar style.
Often an old fairy tale rests not only on pain, but also on a familiar role. You can read more about this in the article «Favorite Role from Childhood: Scenarios and Fairy Tale Therapy».
Shame as an editor of internal truth
A separate topic is shame. This emotion has an incredible ability to hide behind other states.
It often does not look like an explicit "I am ashamed". It can mask itself as self-control, irony, moral superiority, coldness, perfectionism, or high self-esteem.
- A person might not say: "I'm afraid I won't be chosen". They will say: "I just don't want to dramatize".
- They won't say: "It hurts me". They will say: "I am observing a repeating pattern".
- They won't say: "I want someone to stay". They will write more neatly: "A need for unconditional presence".
It sounds smarter this way. Safer. Almost professional. But not always more alive. Shame forces us to build intellectual barricades around ourselves.
Marta knows this very well. She can take a pencil and write: "I want someone to just stay". Look at the phrase, feel how it is too simple, almost indecent in its openness, and then cross out the word "want" and write next to it: "A need for unconditional presence".
This is better. You can show this to a psychologist, a colleague, or the internal committee on decency. But the first phrase was more alive. And this is exactly what annoys her. The feeling of losing contact with one's own authenticity is a bitter aftertaste that always accompanies shame.
Shame forces a person to edit themselves even before they are seen. And then the internal fairy tale becomes not just a story about pain, but a whole system of self-defense: not to want directly, not to ask directly, not to get angry directly, not to need directly.
You can read more about shame as a complex and often hidden feeling in the article «Shame as Hidden Anger».
Why the old role lasts so long
It is important to say honestly: an old fairy tale lasts not only because the person is in pain. It also lasts because it gives something. Psychological defenses never work exclusively at a loss; they always carry a hidden benefit.
- The rescuer role gives a sense of being needed.
- The invisible role provides safety.
- The role of the one who endures everything gives moral strength.
- The role of a wise observer allows one not to risk direct intimacy.
- The role of an indispensable person gives hidden power: "they can't manage without me".
This is exactly where adult work begins. Not in blaming yourself for the old scenario. But in seeing it completely: what it protected, what it gave, what it took away, and why a part of us might still not want to let it go.
Marta does not only suffer from the role of a seamstress who mends other people's tears. A part of her loves this role. Because she is needed there. She is more subtle there. She is morally right there. She might not be chosen directly there, but they can't do without her.
This is an unpleasant recognition. Meeting your Shadow is always uncomfortable. But this is exactly what makes the work honest.
For example, an author writes to Marta: "Can you quickly look at a chapter? I can't pull it off without you".
She gets angry. Of course, she gets angry. She has her own deadlines, her own evening, her own half-finished tea, her own human fatigue, which she hasn't yet put into the calendar.
But beneath the irritation, there is something else. A small, warm, shameful pleasure.
They can't manage without her.
And this is exactly where the old fairy tale shows its shadow power. It doesn't just take away. It gives a place. Gives significance. Gives a way not to ask directly: "Am I important to you?" Because if they can't manage without me, the answer seems to already be there. It is an illusion of control over what we actually cannot control—love and acceptance by others.
In transactional analysis, such repetitions are often considered psychological games: a person seems to suffer from a scenario, but at the same time gets something out of it. You can read more about this in the material «Why Do We Play? 6 Hidden Benefits of Games According to Eric Berne».
How the old fairy tale repeats in real life
An old fairy tale rarely comes with a sign: "Good afternoon, I am your traumatic scenario, working today from 9:00 to 18:00". It is woven into the everyday so organically that we do not recognize it.
It comes more simply.
- In a message from an author.
- In a call from mom.
- In an ambiguous phrase from a partner.
- In a work request that is "just for five minutes," but for some reason takes away the evening, your back, and the remnants of faith in humanity.
For Marta, it could look like this.
In the morning, the author writes: "Can you quickly look at a chapter? I can't pull it off without you". In the afternoon, mom asks for help with documents: "You can phrase this better". In the evening, her husband, with whom she has long had blurred boundaries, writes: "I don't want to drag you into my difficult period".
Marta almost replies: "I understand".
Then she looks at these two words. They are so familiar that they could be printed on her business card. "Marta Savenko. Editor. A person who understands everything to her own detriment."
In the evening, she washes a cup that is already clean. This automatic movement betrays accumulated tension that cannot be expressed in words.
The old fairy tale did not live in the past. It came in the morning with a message from an author, in the afternoon with her mother's voice, in the evening with someone else's uncertainty, and at night with tension in her shoulders.
This is why fairy tale therapy is important not as a beautiful metaphor, but as a way to see the repetition. Because as long as a person only sees separate situations, they think: "Well, it just happened again". And when situations add up to a plot, there is a chance to notice the scenario. To notice and, ultimately, choose a different path.
Flexibility of reactions: a new ending begins with a pause
Flexibility of reactions is not about always reacting "correctly". And definitely not about turning into a person who says in any situation: "I hear your feelings and I gently choose myself". Frankly, sometimes you want to give such a person a blanket, some tea, and ask them to become alive for a minute. Being flexible does not mean speaking in psychological clichés.
Flexibility is the ability not to fall automatically into the same old move.
- Not every message requires an immediate rescue.
- Not every stranger's confusion means you have to take responsibility yourself.
- Not every disappointment needs to be turned into a beautiful explanation.
- Not every desire needs to be edited into a decent appearance.
In the language of fairy tale therapy, it sounds like this: the hero begins to notice that they are standing in the old scene again. In front of the same doors. With the same pencil. With the same needle. With the same temptation to rewrite the truth so that it is easier to accept.
But this time, they can take a pause.
It is not necessary to go into the forest right away. It is not necessary to burn the manuscript. It is not necessary to become a new person in one day. The nervous system, by the way, doesn't really like it when someone tries to reinstall it like an app. It resists sudden changes, demanding gradualness.
Sometimes the first new ending is simply not erasing the word that is shameful to see. Sometimes it is not answering "I understand" automatically. Sometimes it is not saving someone else's text instead of the author. Sometimes it is saying: "It hurts," instead of "there's an interesting mechanic here".
A healthy reaction is not always beautiful
Many people are afraid of new reactions because they imagine them to be too harsh. As if if I stop being silent, I will immediately start screaming. If I stop rescuing, I will become indifferent. If I say "no," I will turn into a cold person with a bad reputation and a very open calendar. This fear of polarities is a typical illusion of a traumatized psyche.
But a healthy reaction is often not radical. It is just more honest.
Old reaction: "I will do everything, don't worry".
Possible new reactions:
- "I won't be able to take this today".
- "I can look at one fragment, but not the whole text".
- "I see that this is hard for you, but this is your responsibility".
- "I need to think before answering".
- "I don't want to explain this softer right now. I want to say it directly".
This doesn't always sound perfect. And it shouldn't sound perfect. Living truth is not obliged to pass literary editing before getting the right to exist.
For Marta, this is especially difficult. Her old strength is precision. But her new freedom begins not where she formulates even more precisely, but where she allows herself to speak more simply. Sometimes the simplest words, spoken on time, have the greatest healing power.
It didn't start with you, but it can change through you
Traumatic scenarios often have a long history. They come not only from personal experience, but also from family culture: how the family was silent, who they praised, what they considered shameful, how they dealt with anger, whether they allowed you to want things, whether you could be visible without punishment. We often carry the patterns of generations who survived in much harsher conditions.
But understanding the origin of a scenario is not needed to find a culprit. Blaming parents or ancestors is a dead end. It is needed to regain the ability to act.
Because if my reaction is not "I am like this forever," but a consequence of an old adaptation, then I have a chance.
- Not instant freedom.
- Not a magical healing.
- But the first pause.
- The first honest sentence.
- The first recognition of the old fairy tale.
Sometimes this looks very modest. A person does not change their whole life. They simply notice: "Right now I want to become indispensable again so they don't leave me". And this already changes the situation, because a scenario that has been named loses part of its invisible power.
Practice for the reader
Recall one situation in which you often react automatically.
Ask yourself:
- What role am I entering in this scene?
- What am I trying to protect?
- What reaction am I afraid of?
- What does this role give me?
- What does it take away from me?
- What old fairy tale is repeating here?
- What small pause could appear between the stimulus and my usual reaction?
And the main question:
What can I not change completely, but just see today?
Because as long as the fairy tale is not named, it seems to be life.
When the fairy tale is named, it becomes a story.
And the story can already be read more carefully, added to more honestly, and someday carefully rewritten.
Read also on MriyaRun
- Fairy Tale Therapy and Life Scenarios: Find Yours - if you want to better understand how fairy tales become internal scenarios.
- Favorite Role from Childhood: Scenarios and Fairy Tale Therapy - about the roles we unconsciously repeat in adult life.
- Shame as Hidden Anger - about shame that forces a person to edit themselves even before they are seen.
- Karpman Drama Triangle and Life Scenarios - if the old fairy tale often triggers the roles of Victim, Rescuer, or Persecutor.
- Metaphorical Cards: What They Are and How the Psychological Mirror Works - for those who want to work with images, and not just rational analysis.
Tools for deeper self-reflection
If this topic resonated, you can continue the work not only through reading, but also through written practices, metaphorical images, and psychological games by MriyaRun.
- Metaphorical Cards "My Myth: The Hero's Journey" - to explore your own internal plot, archetypes, roles, and symbols.
- MAC "Dream. Desire. Fantasize" - to work with desires, female images, boundaries, roles, and inner freedom.
- MAC "Children of the Underground". Part 2 - for careful work with childhood experience, social scenarios, and personal boundaries.
- Diary-Course "Self-Discovery" - if you want to turn insights into a written practice and better see your reactions, boundaries, and decisions.
- "About Emotions. Anger: How to Understand and Live Through It" - for those who noticed that an old fairy tale is often backed by suppressed anger, shame, or a ban on a direct "you can't do this to me".
- RedLines: Emotional Detective - to explore life stories, hidden motives, boundaries, manipulations, and healthier ways to communicate.
Author
Dmytro Telushko - practical psychologist, author, and founder of MriyaRun. He creates self-therapeutic tools: workbooks, psychological diaries, MAC cards, and psychological games for self-discovery, working with emotions, boundaries, life scenarios, and internal supports.
If this article touched upon your own old fairy tale, do not rush to rewrite it. First, give yourself time to see it. For this, you can use articles, diaries, MAC cards, and psychological games by MriyaRun as a space where the internal story gradually becomes visible.