Managing Emotions: Techniques for Verbalizing Feelings
We often hear that emotions, especially negative ones, should be suppressed. But this is a one-sided approach. Emotions are an integral part of being human. They shouldn't be cut off; they should be managed. Sometimes, success even requires amplifying a specific emotion.
Here are practical techniques from the book "Emotional Intelligence" by S. Shabanov and A. Aleshina to help your communication.
1. Why You Should Never Say "Calm Down!"
When someone is shouting, it seems logical to ask them to calm down. But this usually causes rage. Why? Because the phrase "Calm down" contains a hidden accusation: “You are being irrational, you are hysterical.”
What to do instead? Use the "Cushioning" technique. Express doubt about your own perceptions to avoid sounding accusatory:
- “It seems to me that you are unhappy about something...”
- “I might be wrong, but I sense some tension...”
2. The "I-Message" Technique
This is a way to report your discomfort without attacking the partner.
Formula: Fact (other's action) + Your Emotion + Request.
- Wrong: "You are annoying me with your yelling!" (This is a "You-Message").
- Right: "When you speak to me in a raised voice, I feel scared and confused. Please, could you speak more quietly?" The goal is not to sting the other person, but to create a comfortable background for conversation.
3. Non-Verbal Communication: Stay Open
In a conflict, we instinctively want to close off (cross our arms). But observations show: if you close off, the aggressor's pressure intensifies.
Advice: Keep an open posture and a steady, sympathetic tone. Don't speak in a cold, robotic tone—it irritates even more. Sincere empathy (even if you aren't at fault) diffuses conflict.
4. The "Total YES" Technique
The words "NO" and "BUT" are conflict markers. Try starting your answer with "YES," finding something you can agree with (even partially).
- Aggressor: "You are unprofessional!"
- You: "Yes, my professionalism can be improved." (Instead of arguing).
The "YES, BUT..." Trap
The phrase "Yes, this is important, but we don't have time" cancels out the first part.
Solution: Replace "but" with "and" or a pause.
- “Yes, this is important. And at the moment, we don't have the resources.”
5. Justifications = Fear
When we start making excuses or giving unrealistic promises ("I'll do it all tomorrow!"), the aggressor reads this as fear and pushes harder.
Solution: Simply admit the fact of the mistake. “Yes, I was indeed late.” Full stop. This disarms them.
6. Managing Others' Emotions (Fear & Sadness)
Dealing with others' FEAR:
- ❌ Don't: Say "It's nonsense," "Don't worry," "Calm down."
- ✅ Do: Acknowledge significance ("Yes, this is worrying"), ask details ("What exactly are you afraid of?"), analyze an action plan ("What can we do to feel safer?").
Dealing with others' SADNESS & RESENTMENT:
- ❌ Don't: Devalue ("It could be worse"), compare with others ("But look at Basil..."), give "positive" advice ("Don't be sad, go for a walk"), ignore tears.
- ✅ Do: Acknowledge feelings ("You must be very sad"), listen actively, establish eye contact (this helps stop hysteria), ask about conclusions and desires ("How do you want to get through this?").
Practice with MriyaRun
Knowing the techniques is not enough; you need to track your state in the moment. Self-reflection tools are perfect for this:
- Emotional Journal (Workbook) — helps you prepare for difficult conversations and analyze your reactions.
- Body Journal — teaches you to maintain an "open posture" and read body signals during stress.
- Mriya.run: Space for Conscious Change. Learning, Practice & Tools
- The Mental Run
- Emotional Intelligence: Techniques for Verbalizing Emotions Description