Source: © Alex Bon

A large part of our "negative" emotional experiences arises from the rejection/avoidance of the present, regret about the past, and fear of the future. Although we believe we experience these states consciously, in reality, most emotions are a manifestation of the subconscious mechanisms of our psyche.

We feel irritation, aggression, resentment, but the reasons for these feelings often remain unknown. Instead of staying "at the level of emotions" and experiencing what is, as it is, we try to answer the two familiar questions: "Who is to blame?" and "What should be done?".

This attempt to get rid of the unpleasant feeling triggers the mechanism of secondary suffering.

Psychology distinguishes two types of suffering, the understanding of which is key to self-regulation:

As Vidyamala Burch and Danny Penman note in their book Mindfulness for Health: "Secondary suffering can be seen as resistance to pain. <...> By trying to get rid of the pain, you are only intensifying it."

This principle is true not only for physical pain but also for emotions. Attempts to resist stress, fatigue, or anger only intensify them.

Neuroscientists say: "What you resist, persists." If you resist the signals of your body and mind, they will continue until you accept them. Accepting pain helps to alleviate it.

By shifting the responsibility for our experiences onto others (or ourselves), we avoid the experience itself. We do not experience what is, as it is.

By avoiding, we defend and close ourselves off. By defending, we do not acquire the necessary experience, understanding, and context of life. By not going through this context, we do not learn, do not mature, and remain infantile.

MriyaRun Tip: To develop mindfulness and self-acceptance, use the Self-Knowledge Diary or the Online Diary. Recording experiences without judgment is the first step toward self-regulation.

When we talk about accepting emotions, it is not about passivity or fatalistic submission to fate. It is about the active experience of the moment. Claire experienced this breakthrough when she was in a severe state:

The internal conflict ("This is unbearable" versus "You must hold on") was stopped by a third voice: "You don't have to hold on until morning. You just need to survive this moment."

The realization that life can only unfold sequentially, second by second, transformed tension into openness. Claire understood that most of her suffering was caused by fear of the future (secondary suffering), rather than what she was experiencing now (primary suffering).

The world we see is only a reflection of the inner harmony or disharmony we possess. A person who does not acknowledge themselves will never believe in conflict-free communication or the sincerity of another. The jealous person will find a reason for jealousy even in the most innocent case.

Our mechanisms (jealousy, anger, resentment) do not arise without reason. They serve a purpose—they maintain balance, they compensate for something. Self-knowledge and the introduction of mindfulness are the attempts to understand:

This is the path to true self-sufficiency and effective synergistic relationships.