The Dark Triad in Love: The Psychology of "Like Attracts Like"
In couples where partners share similar negative personality traits, complete understanding often reigns. Psychologists from the University of Rijeka (Croatia) reached this unexpected conclusion. Their study, published in the Journal of Personality, breaks the stereotype that opposites attract, especially regarding the so-called "Dark Triad": narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy.
Let's look at this through the lens of psychoanalysis and self-reflection tools.
"Like to Like": What the Study Showed
The study involved 205 couples. Researchers found that people with high scores on the "Dark Triad" scale often choose similar partners.
- Narcissists: Characterized by egocentrism and pride. The study showed that the most harmonious couples were those consisting of two narcissists.
- Psychopaths: Distinguished by heartlessness and a tendency toward risk. Male psychopaths feel happy in a union with women who have a similar character.
- Machiavellians: Prone to manipulation and cynicism. This is the only group where "like" did not work well: two Machiavellians struggle to get along, constantly competing in tricks.
Psychoanalytic View: Why Does This Happen?
Why, for example, are narcissists happy together? The answer lies in psychological defense mechanisms. A narcissistic personality is built on primitive idealization and devaluation. They need constant confirmation of their own perfection. In a couple of two narcissists, mutual idealization occurs ("we are the ideal couple"), which feeds their egos until the devaluation phase inevitably sets in.
As for psychopaths, their main defensive reaction is omnipotent control. Finding a partner with similar traits, they create their own secluded world where they operate according to their rigid rules.
Often, the mechanism of projective identification works in such couples. This is a process where a person not only projects their internal states onto a partner but also forces them to feel in accordance with this projection. For example, partners might "exchange" aggression or feelings of grandiosity, maintaining a shared illusion.
How to Build Healthy Relationships Without Manipulation?
Even if you don't belong to the "Dark Triad," we all sometimes use manipulation or projections. To exit toxic scenarios and build true intimacy, it is essential to work on yourself.
1. Work with Ego and Self-Esteem
Instead of seeking confirmation of your "perfection" externally, as narcissists do, learn to accept your real self.
- Use the Self-Acceptance Diary, which helps stabilize self-esteem without depending on a partner's praise.
- Gain a deeper understanding of your motives with the Self-Knowledge Diary.
2. Boundaries Instead of Manipulation
Machiavellianism is built on violating boundaries and using others. Healthy relationships are impossible without respect for the partner's territory.
- Learn to set and respect limits using the Hostess of Your Boundaries Diary Book. This is the best prevention for codependency.
3. Empathy vs. Psychopathy
Lack of empathy is a key trait of psychopathy. Developing emotional intelligence allows you to hear your partner rather than using them as a function.
- Record your feelings and develop sensitivity through the Emotions Diary | EQ.
4. Honest Dialogue
To avoid living in illusions and projections, it is important to talk.
- If words are hard to find, use Online Metaphorical Cards for safe discussion of complex topics.
- Practice gratitude to focus on the partner's value rather than their utility to you, using the Gratitude Workbook.
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