This material is for informational and educational purposes only and is not medical, psychological, or psychotherapeutic advice. If you are experiencing an acute psychological condition or need professional support, please contact a doctor, psychologist, psychotherapist, or crisis service.
Sometimes one unanswered message, a strange look, or a short "let's talk later" is enough for a whole plot to unfold inside. The person is offended. I did something wrong. Everything will ruin now. They will reject me. I won't cope.
In a few minutes, the body already reacts as if the event had really happened: the stomach contracts, the heartbeat accelerates, the shoulders tense, and attention narrows. Although in reality, there is only a message without a response and a dozen explanations that we have not checked.
The problem is not that we have anxious, critical, or gloomy thoughts. The brain constantly builds predictions, searches for danger, fills in missing fragments, and tries to prepare us for the future. The difficulty begins when a thought imperceptibly gains the status of a fact, and the internal scenario becomes more convincing than what is actually happening.
The skill of working with thoughts does not mean learning to think only positively. Its meaning is to notice what creates consciousness, check it, endure uncertainty, and return to freedom of action. We can have a thought and at the same time not subject our whole life to it.
Thoughts can generate many scenarios while the body remains in one real room and one present moment
The brain does not photograph reality — it reconstructs it.
We easily imagine perception as a camera: our eyes and ears receive information, and the brain supposedly simply shows an objective picture. In reality, it continuously interprets signals through past experience, expectations, body state, fears, and habitual explanations.
Two people can hear the same phrase and give it different meanings. For one, silence from a conversational partner might mean fatigue. For another — hidden offense. A person who was often criticized is more likely to notice signs of disapproval. One who has experienced sudden breakups may be particularly sensitive to distance.
This does not make the perception false or "abnormal". It simply has a history. It is important to remember: the persuasiveness of an idea does not prove its accuracy. Even a very strong feeling can be a reaction to interpretation, not confirmation that the interpretation is correct.
One ambiguous event can quickly branch into several untested stories
How thought transforms into inner reality
Usually, the process happens quickly:
- An ambiguous event is taking place.
- The brain offers an explanation.
- The body reacts to this explanation.
- A strong physical reaction begins to seem like evidence.
- Attention seeks details that confirm the initial version.
For example, the manager writes: "Come see me after lunch." The thought appears: "I made a serious mistake." Anxiety intensifies, and the person starts remembering every inaccuracy over the last month. Everything that doesn't relate to the threat fades into the background. By the time of the meeting, she arrives already internally condemned, although the manager might have wanted to propose a new project.
This is not a weakness of character at work, but a prediction system. However, it can be trained: to notice the moment when a hypothesis becomes a verdict.
Cognitive defusion helps us notice a thought without turning it into an order or verdict
"I have an idea" instead of "that's true"
In approaches that work with cognitive detachment, a person is offered to change their attitude towards the internal phrase. Instead of "I can't cope," one can say: "I have the thought that I can't cope." Even more precisely: "I notice that my mind is now telling a story about a possible failure."
At first glance, the difference is small. However, the new wording creates a psychological distance. The thought remains, but it stops completely merging with the personality and reality.
One can imagine thoughts as messages on a screen. Some of them are useful and require a response. Others repeat old warnings. Some simply appear due to fatigue, stress, or overload. Notifications do not oblige you to click on them immediately.
To detach — doesn't mean to devalue your feelings. If I'm scared, the fear is real as an experience. At the same time, the explanation "this will definitely end in a catastrophe" remains a version that is worth checking.
Critical thinking is not an internal interrogation.
Sometimes a person tries to fight anxious thoughts with even greater rigidity: "Stop making things up," "I'm getting myself worked up again," "Normal people don't react like this." Such an inner prosecutor rarely helps to think more clearly. He adds shame to anxiety and makes the thought even more intrusive.
Critical thinking requires curiosity. It asks questions without condescension:
- What do I know for sure right now?
- What do I suppose or predict?
- What facts support my version?
- What facts contradict her?
- What other explanations are possible?
- Am I not drawing a general conclusion from one episode?
- What I cannot know without a direct conversation or additional information?
- What action would be beneficial even under conditions of uncertainty?
The purpose of these questions is not to convince oneself that everything is necessarily good. Sometimes the unpleasant version of events is truly confirmed. Critical thinking helps to see the proportions, separate facts from assumptions and make decisions based on available information.
Four layers: fact, interpretation, emotion, impulse
It is helpful to break down a complex situation into four layers.
Fact: Partner is not responding for three hours.
He ignores me because he no longer values our relationship.
Emotion and physical reaction: anxiety, offense, tension in the chest.
Impulse: send ten messages, accuse, leave first.
The fact here is quite short. Everything else may be an understandable reaction, but it needs to be checked. When layers are mixed, the interpretation sounds like an obviousness. When they are separated, space appears for choice: to wait, to clarify, to take care of oneself, without breaking the contact based on assumption.
Twelve places where conclusion is masked as fact
To learn to see the boundary between an event and its explanation, it is helpful to practice with ordinary phrases. On the left side of each example, there is nothing to be ashamed of: this is the automatic version that the mind proposed in a fraction of a second. On the right — what we can say more carefully, without inventing either a catastrophe or a guaranteed happy ending.
- He didn't answer, so I'm indifferent to him. It is only known that there is no answer yet. The reason can be found from the context or a direct conversation.
- "I ruined everything." An undesirable outcome occurred. It's important to determine one's own contribution, other factors, and what can still be rectified.
- "Something is wrong with me." I am in pain, anxiety, or shame right now. This describes a state, not the whole personality.
- "She looked at me strangely — I don't think she likes me," I noticed the expression on her face and gave it meaning. The intention of another person without clarification is unknown.
- "I always ruin everything." I remember several unsuccessful situations. The word "always" needs evidence and hides cases when I coped well enough.
- "If I say 'no,' they will fall out of love with me.'" Rejection can cause displeasure or conflict. The reaction of a specific person and the future of the relationship are not predetermined.
- "I won't succeed." There are no results yet or the previous attempt didn't work. The next forecast depends on the conditions, skills, support, and new actions.
- "Everyone can see that I'm not okay." I acutely feel my own state. What exactly others have noticed and how they interpret it, I don't know.
- "It's too late for me to change anything." Change really has a cost and limitations associated with my circumstances. Its possibility needs to be assessed specifically, and not with a single word "too late".
- "When I'm in pain, I'm doing something wrong." Pain signals significance, loss, threat, or overload. It doesn't make an automatic moral judgment on my decision.
- "Everyone around me seems happier than me." I compare my inner experience with fragments of other people's lives that I see from the outside.
- "If I loosen control, everything will fall apart." Control helps me reduce uncertainty. I can check with a small experiment what really requires my involvement, and what can withstand a pause.
A more precise phrase shouldn't be pleasant. Its task is to stay closer to the available data. "I don't know why he's silent, and it worries me" may be a more psychologically mature support than simultaneously "I'm not needed by him" and "everything is definitely fine".
Grounding returns attention to support, texture, light, temperature, and the space around us
Why ground yourself if the problem is "in your head"?
When in a state of strong excitement, it is difficult to conduct an intellectual check of thoughts. The nervous system has already mobilized, attention has narrowed, and the brain prefers a quick search for danger. Therefore, sometimes the path to clearer thinking begins with the body.
Grounding is the act of returning attention to the present moment through specific sensations and details of the environment. It does not negate the problem or claim that there are no dangers. Its purpose is to help the organism notice: right now I am here, there is a floor under my feet, there is space around me, I can look, assess, and choose the next step.
Try a simple sequence:
- Feel the resistance of your feet or back.
- Slowly scan the space and name five objects you see.
- Find three sounds — close, distant, and barely audible.
- Pay attention to air temperature and clothing contact with skin.
- Make your exhale slightly longer than your inhale, without forcing yourself to breathe "correctly".
- I am sitting in a room, it is evening now, I am reading messages.
After this, one can return to the content of the thought. Often it does not disappear, but loses the feeling of absolute urgency.
Algorithm, when thought captured all attention
Stop and name the process.
"I notice a strong anxious thought." That's more precise than "everything is terrible."
Return to the body.
Where is the tension? What are the feet resting on? Can I exhale more slowly? There's no need to relax immediately. It's enough to restore contact with the body.
3. Record the fact in one sentence.
Without judgments, reading other people's minds and predictions: "I received a rejection after the interview"; "A friend didn't respond to the message"; "I made a mistake in the report".
4. Write down the story your mind created.
"I will never get a good job"; "I am not needed by anyone"; "Now everyone thinks I am incompetent".
5. Check the scale of the conclusion.
Does one case allow one to say "never," "always," "all"? What data is needed for such a conclusion?
6. Formulate a more precise version.
She doesn't have to be pleasant. Enough that she is more honest: "I received one rejection, and it hurts. I don't yet know all the reasons. Can I ask for feedback and continue the search?"
7. Choose an action within control.
Clarify, check, postpone the decision until morning, talk, correct the mistake, ask for support, or allow yourself to rest. Reality often returns through a specific action.
What to do with thoughts that keep coming back
A repeated thought does not necessarily contain important truth. It may return because the topic is emotionally charged, the brain did not receive a conclusion, or it has become accustomed to using this scenario as a defense.
Attempting to forcibly ban a thought often intensifies control over it: to check if we are thinking about something, we have to think about it again. A more helpful position might be: "This story has come up again. I know it. I don't need to solve it again right now."
If the thought points to a real task, it's worth turning it into a plan. If actions are currently impossible, you can write down the question and return to it at a designated time. This way, the mind receives a signal that the topic is not ignored, but it also doesn't control every minute.
Reality does not always comfort — but it does provide support.
Approaching reality means being ready to meet not only with pleasant facts. Another person may truly upset you. The decision may turn out to be unsuccessful. Some circumstances are impossible to control.
However, fact usually has limits, whereas anxious imagination can easily become limitless. "I made a mistake in one task" — this is a situation that can be analyzed and corrected. "I am hopeless and always ruin everything" — a global verdict that takes away the ability to act.
Contact with reality does not guarantee peace. It returns scale, context, and the ability to respond to what is, instead of the exhausting struggle with all the catastrophes that imagination is capable of creating.
How to train a skill every day
Work with thoughts becomes more effective when it happens not only during a crisis.
Enter short notes. Event — automatic thought — emotion — facts — alternative explanation — action. A few lines are enough.
Notice categorical words. "Always," "never," "all," "none," "exactly" often indicate where the conclusion became broader than the data.
Distinguish probability from possibility. Many events are possible, but that doesn't make them equally probable.
Check your source. Is it a fact, eyewitness account, personal assumption, hearsay, or emotional impression? The same discipline is useful for both news and internal conclusions about yourself.
Train the phrase "I don't know." It may sound alarming, but it's often the most accurate response. Uncertainty doesn't necessarily need to be immediately filled with the worst-case scenario.
Return to the sensory world. A walk, a slow survey of the space, contact with water, surfaces, sounds, and the rhythm of steps help the attention to escape the closed circle of internal arguments.
When independent practices are insufficient
Sometimes thoughts become so intrusive, anxious, or exhausting that they significantly affect sleep, work, relationships, and daily decisions. A person may spend hours checking, avoiding situations, seeking reassurance, or feeling like they are almost unable to switch their attention.
In such a case, it is worth turning to a psychologist, psychotherapist, or doctor — depending on the intensity of the state and needs. Professional support helps to explore not only the content of individual thoughts, but also the cycle that supports anxiety, self-criticism, or avoidance.
If thoughts are related to the intention to harm oneself or another person, immediate assistance from local emergency or crisis services is required.
An idea may speak loudly, but the decision remains yours.
We do not choose every thought that arises. Instead, we can gradually learn to recognize its genre: fact, prediction, memory, self-criticism, old protective story, or an attempt by the brain to fill in the unknown.
Between the appearance of thought and action, a small space may arise. In it, we feel our feet, look around the room, name facts, check conclusions, and ask ourselves: "What is really happening and what next step will bring me closer to reality?"
This space does not make a person invulnerable. It returns authorship to her.
Three MriyaRun tools for writing practice.
For structured checking of automatic thought, one can use CBT SHIFT. Part 1: situation, thought, emotion, behavior, facts, and a more realistic alternative. The emotion journal EQ helps notice how interpretation is connected to feeling, bodily reaction, impulse, and need. The "Conversation with Myself" body journal supports returning to feelings, tension, fatigue, and support when analysis has become endless rumination.
CBT SHIFT offers a written structure for examining an automatic thought
The EQ Emotions Journal helps separate event, thought, emotion, reaction, and need
The Conversation with Yourself Body Journal supports attention to bodily signals and physical support
These tools are created for self-monitoring and do not replace psychotherapy, psychiatric or medical help. If the focus on thoughts or body intensifies panic, flashbacks, loss of contact with the surroundings or impulses to harm oneself, the practice should be stopped and appropriate support should be sought.
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Author’s Perspective
Dmytro Telushko, psychotherapist and founder of MriyaRun.
For me, working with thoughts begins not with trying to defeat the mind, but with reclaiming the position of an observer. A thought can be painful, convincing, and important while still remaining a version to be compared with facts, bodily experience, and realistic possibilities for action.
Scientific sources
- Emotion regulation: process model and cognitive reappraisal
- Reappraisal and interpretation of emotional ambiguity: systematic review and meta-analysis
- Cognitive reappraisal of emotion: meta-analysis of neuroimaging studies
- Cognitive defusion, mindful awareness, and thought believability: randomized trial