Apologies are an important part of any close relationship, but sometimes the word “sorry” is not enough. It is often only the first step on the way to restoring mutual trust and emotional connection, especially when the conflict has left a deep mark on the partner's feelings.
Many people may wonder why, after apologizing, their partner is still not ready to “let go.”
This is because an apology is not just words, but a process. It's important not only to apologize, but also to create the conditions for real emotional recovery.
1. “I want to better understand how what I did affected you.”
*Partners whose feelings have been hurt need to know that you understand how they have been affected by what happened.
2. “How can I help make this right?”
*Ask what would make them feel better. Try not to make decisions for them. What would be appropriate for you may not be the same as what would be helpful for them.
3. “I understand why you feel this way. I completely understand.”
*Respect the fact that they felt the way they did. Their feelings make sense, even if the same action would not have hurt you, and even if you did not intend to hurt them.
4. “I'm willing to work on myself because I don't like the way this behavior makes you feel.”
*Be specific: “I will work on noticing your efforts”; ‘I will work on regulating myself before I speak’; ‘I will work on being more authentic with myself and with you’.
5. “I want to give you the space you need, and I'm here to talk about it when you're ready.”
*Discuss their feelings. They deserve the space and time to process their feelings before you start talking about them. Manage your own anxiety to create space for their healing process. It's not just what happens in the moment that matters, but also the long-term changes in your interactions and relationships.
6. “I would feel sad/angry/lonely too, if I were you.”
*Empathy is an extremely important part of the healing process. If you can relate to the pain with your own self, you are much more likely to not want to inflict pain again. Compassion is a much better motivator than the fear of being judged.
7. “You may need to talk about it again. If so, I'm here.”
*Sometimes one conversation is not enough. Some partners need to make sure they are heard, supported and understood several times before they can move on. If they keep coming back to it, it's likely that the conversations aren't contributing to healing. Wounds want to heal, but they need the right conditions to do so.
8. “I know it will take some time before you trust me again, and I'm willing to be patient.”
*When you show your partner that you can be patient with them, it helps them to feel accepted and cared for, which are important components of healing.
Yes, this path can be difficult. No one likes to dive back into their mistakes, especially when pain and disappointment are at stake. However, if there is space in the relationship for genuine understanding and support, even difficult moments can be an impetus for healing.
It is important to remember:
Conflicts will not recur again and again if they are truly resolved on a deeper level.
Wounds heal when both partners are heard and understood, as this encourages reciprocity and a desire to understand each other even more.
Give yourself time and space for real healing, and the relationship will become even stronger.
