28-year-old Maria worked at a local TV channel and lived with a young man, when it suddenly occurred to her: she wants to do music! There were no prospects for such occupations in her hometown.
"My friend thought the idea was crazy, and I didn't want to give it up," she recalls, "so I went alone. I confess, later I regretted my decision more than once, but I still decided not to return. Now I'm a bass guitarist in a small group...".
What is it, a whim or a serious choice?
Calling
What is it?
Psychoanalyst Juliette Alle explains: Jacques Lacan called this special impulse that makes us alive, desire. It leads us to the road that is ours." Our vocation is at the very heart of vital energy, joy, and motivation. It is similar to the inner light that makes us glow, shine in the chosen area.
What's in the way?
There are families in which the concept of vocation is valued and encouraged. And others where "people don't do that", "it's not serious", "it's impossible". Manifestation of family loyalty sometimes blocks our way to ourselves. But distancing yourself from your uniqueness can lead to depression.
How to find
"We should listen to what is trying to bring us back to ourselves: the feeling of a general malaise, meetings that are perceived as signs, the feeling of a pinch in the heart if we see a joyful person or read a book that awakens an inexplicable nostalgia. Following your calling is not always comfortable. But if we turn our backs on him, we can pay dearly for it," concludes Juliet Alle.
Escape
example
A family psychologist shares a story: a woman who dreamed of a new love came to her for a consultation.
— I want to go to America, get married, have children and live by the ocean.
- Do you want to live on the shore of some ocean? - The psychologist specified.
- I didn't understand...
— America is washed by two oceans. On which bank do you see your family life?
- Yes? - wondered the client who dreamed of America. - I did not think so deeply.
It later turned out that behind the dream of love and the ocean was a desire to leave her parents' house, where she was uncomfortable, at any cost.
Explanation
The expert explains: in an attempt to change life, many people are guided not by the desire for new horizons, but by the desire to escape: "They run away from dissatisfaction with life, from the total control of parents, from living conditions, from a usurping husband, from a hysterical wife... At the same time, the clients themselves may consider , who are running towards something: a higher salary, better living conditions, new love... But often they are not ready for the inevitable difficulties that will have to be overcome, creating new conditions and surroundings for themselves."
In addition to material and everyday challenges, we can expect dissatisfaction and even condemnation from former acquaintances who are used to seeing us in our old role. Svitlana Loseva tells about the seminar that took place at the medical academy: "We, psychologists, talked to students, and nine out of ten said that they are studying to be doctors because their parents want them to. That is, young people follow the will of mom and dad, not their own, they study because they pay a lot of money and they feel sorry for both their parents and their money. By the time, by the time. And rethinking life can manifest itself as a rebellion," notes the family psychologist.
Resource
example
Irina was 48 years old when her husband left her. The shock turned out to be so strong that she decided to drastically change her life. "I was simply unable to go to work. Alimony for two teenagers allowed to keep. And I, in order not to cry all day, began to make woolen bunnies, as sad and lonely as I am. After six months, a lot of them accumulated, I put their "portraits" on social networks, and, to my surprise, there were buyers for them," the woman recalls.
Today she is 52, and we can already say that she succeeded: she switched from a five-day job to a home one, spent much more time with her children and realized herself in her hobby, which now does not take time, but brings money. On the other hand, her income fell twice. However, Iryna has no regrets.
Explanation
The conflict between what others want us to see and what we consciously or unconsciously want for ourselves creates tension. Having broken through, it can express a desire to destroy everything usual "to the ground".
Wanting to change the situation that causes discomfort, we often put the usual way of life under attack. Whereas a more attentive attitude to our feelings would help us not to reach the boiling point and make changes in specific directions.
Age
It is believed that it is characteristic of a young person to look for "where is better", but at a more solid age it is better to calm down, not to make sudden movements. There is logic in this: the more we gain, the more we risk losing.
example
My grandmother dreamed of seeing the world all her life, but she worked a lot and did not have time to travel. And yet she fulfilled her dream - at the age of 85, the Russian woman set off to see the world. Soon she became famous: her publications in social networks collected thousands of likes, she began to be invited to TV shows. She visited many countries, including the Dominican Republic, Italy, Israel, Thailand, and Vietnam. This grandmother died at the age of 91, but the last few years of her life were wonderful and full.
Explanation
"Meeting with our true desires, following the call of the heart can be connected with the fact that we are aware of the end of life and dare to do what we always wanted, even if we are not completely ready. The end, mortality is one of the existential gifts, an integral part of a person's being in the world. While we are young, it may seem that we have an ocean of time ahead of us, and to start something new, we need a lot of courage and encounters with our own imperfections, the strength to take responsibility, including for possible failures.
When we understand that things are finite (for example, when we are facing our own aging or when we are going through the loss of a loved one), there is a determination to fulfill our true desires, rather than waiting for the right hour. Because if you wait, you can never wait, the best moment and ideal conditions may never come."
Still, it's probably better not to wait for retirement to fulfill your wish. If we really always dreamed of changing the accounting profession to felting hares with wool, maybe we should not delay it and wait for crises that will push us to a radical change of profession. You can follow your dream even at 85 years old, but then real life will not be enough. And if you start right now?
Regulations
Starting life over is tempting. But how to maintain control, or not to get lost, when emotions have dug in and persistently demand changes? Gestalt therapist Ashe Garrido shared "safety techniques".
You need to allow yourself to accept the temporary uncertainty and stay in it, while providing enough comfort. Any crisis is a situation when old ways do not work and new ones have not yet been discovered. This is a situation of high degree of uncertainty. It is very difficult to carry it.
"It's worse not to wait and catch up" is exactly what it's about. The brain is always trying to "complete the picture", to complete the incomprehensible to the understandable, with which it is known how to communicate. And often, when we get into such a situation, we feel tension and try to relieve it - to do at least something to add clarity. Anything, however wrong, that leads to trouble, but ends in uncertainty.
In fact, it is worth acting counterintuitively. Do not fight with uncertainty, but allow it to be. Observe yourself, carefully look and listen to what is happening inside. Provide comfort: enough sleep, walks, pleasant activities. Remind yourself that anxiety now is a natural phenomenon, not a signal that everything is gone. These are simply attempts of the brain to navigate in new, changed conditions.
Our brain is a tireless worker, it searches for new ways, processes a lot of information from the inside and outside. And he will find a way out, the main thing is not to chase the horses. Attention to yourself and the world around you, a warm attitude towards yourself, patience, warmth and tenderness provide a large number of internal resources and help you notice external resources.
You can try new activities like new dishes when there are many of them on the table. Little by little, taking your time, listening to your feelings. In the end, you will want to return to something again and again, meanings that were simply inaccessible before will be revealed. Everything will happen on time and as it should.