For example, there is the so-called buyer's remorse syndrome - a feeling of regret after a purchase (usually the purchase of a large product or several), which is associated with the fact that: a) we cannot afford it or, for example, b) it was possible to get a better offer , if we waited.
However, we also feel guilty when we deceive, intentionally hurt someone by word or action. Regret can "cement" our past negative memories, which will pop up every time we see a purchased object, a person who was harmed, or think about the consequences of what we did. Repentance can also worsen the psychological state, forcing us to constantly remember that we could have done better, faster, more correctly.
SORRY IS NOT JUST A CONSEQUENCE
Author and journalist Mignon McLaughlin said, "True remorse is not just sympathy for the consequences, but regret for the motives." McLaughlin wasn't talking about buyer's remorse. She meant the remorse we feel about deliberate and deliberate actions, the wrongness of which we are aware. An action during which we hurt someone.
- a high school student cheated on the last exam (he was caught and expelled);
- a builder promised several elderly clients to renovate their homes or build extensions, got the money and ran away (then went to jail and served time);
- a disgruntled office worker who felt unappreciated and underpaid kept stealing from the office (he was fired).
But, as you may have already guessed, remorse most often arises when clients deliberately harmed someone: spread false information, gossiped, somehow deceived a loved one (for example, lied about how much they drank, or used drugs, or gambled , watched pornography or engaged in casual sex).
TRUE REPENTANCE CAUSES EXISTENTIAL ANXIETY
In the situation with the high school student, the construction worker and the fired office worker, it is difficult to say whether they have truly repented. Certainly, they felt the guilt and anxiety associated with the fact that they were caught and made to answer for what they had done. But it is impossible to say with certainty whether these people would have repented of their motives if they had not been caught. A student could improve his grade; the builder would pay off his gambling debts; an office worker would satisfy the need for justice.
However, in most cases when our clients have somehow harmed other people, especially friends and family members, they have experienced deep, sometimes very intense, anxiety. Why? They understood that they deliberately and purposefully caused pain and suffering to another person and thereby fundamentally changed their relationship with this person - for the worse.
Stop, understand, forgive, MOVE ON
People in addiction rehab often experience guilt about their past actions. The 12-step program is designed to help clients in rehab make real life changes for the better. However, the wisdom contained in the program can be useful for all of us - we all have to "rehabilitate" from something at various stages of life. Having completed the first seven steps to a healthy life, the creators of the program propose to dedicate the eighth and ninth steps to compensation for the damage caused.
At the same time, it is important to carry out a strict moral "inspection": looking for wise advice, analyzing, clearing the conscience - these are often painful, but necessary steps. Restoring justice to those we have harmed in the past is the foundation for building a better future. If you're lucky and you don't have to regret anything for years, you can be more lenient. However, in a situation where you need to make restitution, it is very difficult to stay honest with yourself and those you have wronged.
If at some point you feel remorse, stop! Take a few deep breaths and try to understand why you created such a negative situation in the past. Answering this question may not be easy: we often blame other people or circumstances for our faults. Take responsibility for yourself, answer yourself: could anything have been done to avoid what happened. Could you have done the "right" thing instead of taking the easy way you chose? This is necessary to form a positive outlook on things when you don't repeat such ("crap") actions again.
Realize: you did what you did; you can't change the past, but you can avoid standing on that rake in the future. You can take away valuable experience from this situation and promise yourself not to do it again. Also, use the lesson of the past to learn not to make destructive hedonistic (impulsive, momentary gratification) decisions, now think more about the long-term consequences of any choice.
Then you need to take perhaps the most difficult step: apologize. First - at yourself, and then at those whom you hurt. If for some reason it is not possible to apologize to this person (for example, he died or your repentance is related to some phenomenon - for example, business), you need to imagine that you have been forgiven. And after that, move on. But if you still have the opportunity to communicate with the person you once hurt, use a simple formula: "I'm very sorry, I did a bad thing towards you; it was wrong; Please forgive me."
TRUE REPENTANCE = GRATITUDE
Once we take responsibility for our actions, track our motivations, and restore justice, we can be thankful for the lesson learned—even if it's very difficult. We can draw conclusions and move on. We can try to become better, smarter and build
- Philip G. Zimbardo, Rosemary K.M. Sword. "Living and Loving Better with Time Perspective Therapy. Connected with the Past, Embracing the Present, Creating an Ideal Future". McFarland & Company, Inc., Publishers, Jefferson, North Carolina, USA. 2017