Laws of mutual attraction: 4 questions for a Jungian analyst about choosing a partner

The first impulse in any relationship always comes from our unconscious. It only scans the unconscious of another, and if it resonates with it, there is an instant reaction of recognition: this is my person! Only then do we try to explain to ourselves why this person attracted us. A special situation is passionate love.

During this period, we are captivated by unconscious drives, experiencing a state of "absolute unconsciousness," as the great analyst Carl Gustav Jung called it. Therefore, our interaction with people is subject to certain psychological laws, and when the decision is made by the unconscious, we are not free in ourselves.

Usually, this one and only person becomes the one who helps us cope with two tasks better than others:

to reveal certain boundaries of our "I", which remained unrealized before meeting him;
to hold in the unconscious some part of the ideas about oneself, which is too frightening for us, too painful.

For example, a woman grew up in a family where she unquestioningly obeyed her parents, and now it is difficult for her to be independent. Most likely, she will "choose" either a self-confident, persistent man, communication with whom will teach her to be more persistent and tougher, or one as soft and submissive as herself: this will help her leave her lack of independence in the "shadow".

In either case, her choice will not be completely random: most likely, these men have similar unconscious complexes and conflicts, they may have had similar relationships with their parents.

We also choose a partner rationally (more often it concerns love rather than friendly relationships), but unconsciously and in this case sooner or later it will be revealed.

The following factors play a big role in this.

External similarities: we have similar upbringing, family relationships, level of education, and therefore these people are understandable to us. Such recognition gives a sense of security: we can predict how our relationship will develop, how this person will behave in certain circumstances. As a rule, we speak the same language, we read semitones, nuances of situations and relationships in the same way.
The influence of the "Superego" is an internal judge, a controller, thanks to which we behave according to the rules, norms and ideals accepted in our environment.

For example, a woman, having weighed all the pros and cons, decides that this man will be the ideal man for her, that with him she will realize her ideas about family life. However, on the eve of the wedding, she may suddenly change her mind, succumbing to some (inexplicable) impulse. So, at the last moment, her unconscious, which protests against this marriage, prevails and opens the way to finding another way of choosing a partner.

This happens when the unconscious dominates the relationship.

The so-called fusion complex arises, a state in which partners mutually project their unconscious, forming a single cocoon, and they no longer need to communicate with others. Archaic emotions (fear, anger) become the main ones in the couple, the mood of the partners constantly changes, the attitude towards the other fluctuates from affection to disgust. And one's own life feels unlived, a person is confused. And, of course, there is no energy, strength to communicate with others.

Everyone has qualities that are difficult to recognize in themselves, because they are unacceptable for our personality - the founder of analytical psychology called this unconscious part of the personality "shadow". And these are not necessarily negative traits: hostility, envy, anger...

Для поступливої дівчинки «тіньовою» рисою може стати вміння наполягти на своєму, а для чоловіка, що пишається своєю брутальністю,— ніжність і вразливість.

For example, someone who cannot admit to himself that he is greedy, will blame his partner for it and will suffer from this "defect". But in reality, by exposing others, we allow ourselves to remain oblivious to the painful or unpleasant parts of our personality. That is why we do not break off the relationship with such a partner: because thanks to him, we are deprived of the need to see our own shortcomings.

Often, in order to understand what makes us enter such relationships and keep them, we need to go through psychotherapy. But it also happens that the partners themselves start a dialogue — it helps everyone discover and recognize their "shadow" qualities.

Carl Gustav Jung was sure that the "problematic" aspects of a person are the potential for change, self-discovery, and healing. As soon as we dare to look courageously at ourselves, we will take the first step towards building our identity.

And the better we are aware of ourselves, the freer we become in choosing friends or loved ones. After all, when we stop running away from ourselves, we discover that we are not equal to ourselves: we have advantages, but we also have disadvantages. Having recognized them, we can accept changes in our partners as well, we begin to see them more comprehensively, all their strengths and weaknesses. And this helps us to experience a real interest in them and a real intimacy with them.

Only after taking a psychoanalysis course did I realize that all the men I was in love with were passionate about music. The first of them, with whom we started dating when I was 18 years old, collected CDs. The second (we lived with him for six years) played guitar in a student rock band and dreamed of becoming a professional musician. And finally, my husband, with whom we have been together for ten years, has been working as a director at a recording studio.

My husbands didn't just love music, they were completely absorbed in it. And I sometimes admired their enthusiasm, then I resented the fact that they love her much more than me. Until the day it became clear to me that with their help I was trying to recover what I had lost in my childhood: my parents refused to send me to a music school, and I did not learn to play the piano, unlike my older sister.

When I realized this, of course, I didn't fall out of love with my husband - it just became clear to me why I was so uncontrollably attracted to men who had at least something to do with music. And surprisingly, it looks like I'm ready to start taking music lessons.