What is the feeling of resentment and how to stop being offended?
"An insult is an attempt to punish a person for not fulfilling our expectations"
What is resentment? It is an attempt to punish the person who is close to us for not fulfilling our expectations, without in any case directly telling them what is happening to us. This kind of "frozen" aggression plus self-pity.
But these expectations are only ours, personal... Why should someone fulfill them for us?
Very often we draw the desired scenario in our thoughts and fantasies. We write down every detail, every word in our heads, but at the same time or forget to convey it to those who play leading roles in this scenario. Or we do not certify whether we were understood correctly or heard at all.
It is not a fact that our expectations for another person have the same meaning as for us. And then the most interesting begins: "He (she) did not live up to my hopes", "He (she) did not say the expected words!", "He (she) did not give the expected gift", "I expected that you would always be around! ", "You should have supported me!" - And a bunch of other claims.
It is difficult to get rid of expectations - such logical, correct, understandable ones. With one small amendment - logical, correct, understandable, but for whom? First of all, and this must always be taken into account for ourselves: it is not a fact that for another person they have the same meaning as for us.
"And don't come near me because I'm offended" - as a result of all the above. And then there is the cooling of relations, or on the contrary fierce "fights" to prove one's own rightness, often at any cost.
How to stop taking offense? Seven questions for yourself
- What do I feel? How is my feeling revealed? What would I like to feel instead?
- What expectations did I have of the person I am offending? What should her behavior be so that I don't start taking offense at her?
- How realistic are my expectations? What is their basis? What are my needs?
- Does this face know my expectations? If he knows, how does he react to them?
- Can this person even live up to my expectations? Can she change her behavior here and now?
- What drives this person? Does she have her own intentions and expectations that are different from mine? How do I fit in? How does it make me feel?
- Can I change my expectations? If not, what's stopping me? Why is this so important to me?
For a better result, write down the answers - so you will have a complete picture of your "offense", or rather what is behind it. What to do with all this is up to you.
It is impossible to completely get rid of our expectations about other people, with our expectations we try to make this world more predictable and understandable for us, so that we feel less anxious about the unknown.
If there is a relationship, there are always, were and will be expectations. But trying to be accepting and "open minded" to the behavior of others can make a big difference. As a rule, insults are replaced by a more mature awareness of what is happening in the relationship: "I'm not offended, but we need to talk."