Self-esteem. Stabilization techniques

Many famous and successful people today had certain significant defects (external or physiological) in their childhood, which became an additional incentive for them to prove to those around them that they will be able to conquer greater and greater heights in sports, business, art, etc.

Adler believed that the basis for the formation of self-esteem is laid when a child experiences a period of complete helplessness and dependence on parents.

If the development is correct, ecological, then the natural desire to grow and achieve autonomy forms a healthy and adequate self-esteem without any complexes.

This becomes possible when the child's needs are taken into account, he is not put under pressure and is not embarrassed, does not demand what is impossible at this psychological and physiological stage of development, etc.

If a child is subjected to constant pressure, humiliation, excessive demands, an inferiority complex (low self-esteem) is formed.

The criteria are quite simple:

People with healthy self-esteem know and accept their appearance - they agree with their appearance, can change something at will (lose weight, pump muscles, change hairstyles, etc.), but do not attach excessive importance to these changes.

The main thing for them is to feel good.

People with low self-esteem often do not care about their appearance, become "gray mice" or follow themselves with excessive attention, believing that the lost kilograms or new heels will add importance and success in society.

Adequate self-esteem gives people awareness of their desires, assessment of their capabilities, implementation of certain steps and decision-making.

They don't worry that they can't do something, that something doesn't work out perfectly for them, or that they don't know how to do something.

It is not a problem for them to admit that they need to learn something, put more effort somewhere, and give up something. All these actions do not cause a significant negative emotional surge.

People with low self-esteem often consider themselves incompetent, unworthy, bad specialists and worry about this.

Or they study endlessly - they become perfectionists or "eternal students".

This is often characteristic of those people whose parents demanded good grades from them in childhood - the so-called "excellent syndrome".

A person with low self-esteem can be completely thrown off balance by mistakes. Such people react emotionally to any criticism directed at them and suffer from it.

A person with adequate self-esteem perceives criticism depending on how fair it is or not.

Healthy self-esteem helps people to set more and more significant goals, make risky decisions, and improve their lives.

People with low self-esteem consider themselves unworthy and not good enough, skilled, ready, brave, etc.

Healthy self-esteem allows us to more easily overcome life's ups and downs, but when self-esteem is low - we tend to see everything in a negative light, not feeling able to accept life's challenges.

We perceive sincere optimists as people with rose-colored glasses, but even pessimists are not always able to evaluate everything objectively. Negative beliefs become fertile ground for self-critical thoughts, which, in turn, negatively affect our well-being.

The reasons for low self-esteem often lie in upbringing. In childhood, the psyche is just beginning to form, so teachers, friends, brothers and sisters, parents, films, TV series, mass media, books and music - all this affects the formation of our worldview, life values, etc. The cultural background gives us an idea of an unfamiliar reality, so educated people are more prone to problems with low self-esteem.

But for some reason, thoughts that we are not good enough drag us through our entire lives. We may feel that it is very important to live up to our own expectations or the expectations of others. Difficult life events, stressful situations, illnesses or pain due to the loss of a loved one also affect self-esteem.

Low self-esteem and lack of confidence can cause you to avoid things that seem difficult in order to feel safer. After all, the worst thing that can happen to a person with low self-esteem is that some real situation will confirm their fears.

In the long run, this reinforces basic doubts and fears, making you realize that the best way to deal with any situation is to avoid it. In addition, insecurity can develop other unnecessary bad habits, such as smoking, alcohol or drugs - as a way to get rid of the negative feeling. This once again proves that it is necessary to fight with low self-esteem, and not to ignore and postpone this problem.

Some people just tend to think negatively, while others set excessively high standards for themselves. When it comes to low self-esteem, there are some things you can do to boost it.

Every person has flaws, but it is not for nothing that they say that recognition is the first step on the way to solving a problem. Until you admit that you need to change, you risk getting stuck in a vortex of self-destruction and low self-esteem. It is better to recognize the existence of a problem in time and make efforts to solve it. You may not succeed the first time, but this is no reason to give up and give up.

One of the main life hacks for any change for the better can be formulated as: "It doesn't matter how many times you fail, as long as you don't give up and try again." The one who gives up loses. If you want to get rid of low self-esteem, then realize once and for all that you are too critical of yourself. Remind yourself that your self-criticism is not a proven fact, but a biased assessment that should not be reacted to emotionally. Want to get better? Get up! But get rid of constant reproaches.

Low self-esteem is usually born at an early age due to a lack of approval from adult authority figures. For example, if the child was constantly criticized. To regain self-confidence, surround yourself with positive people who recognize and help you strengthen your positive qualities.

Although you are prone to insecurities, everyone deserves to feel good about themselves. Low self-esteem can be both a consequence and a cause of the development of depressive disorders, and what could be worse than the inability to feel joy?

The next step in objectifying your view of reality is self-knowledge. Don't be afraid to spend time alone with your thoughts. The main thing is to stop "chasing" and repeating the same negative thought. It is better to engage in practical considerations about yourself as a person.

Do not hesitate to take a good old sheet of paper (keeping a diary and making lists is the basis of working on your own psychology) and make a list of your achievements and strengths. Watch it whenever you feel low on self-esteem. Support yourself!

Psychotherapists warn: comparisons lead to a decrease in self-esteem, stress and anxiety, which, in turn, negatively affects work, relationships, physical and mental health. Comparisons turn friends into rivals. Specialists in mental health connect the high level of suicides among young people precisely with the consequences of social comparison. They constantly compare their own achievements, appearance, grades or level of popularity with their peers.

The main problem of comparisons is the absolute one-sidedness of the results. In this case, someone will always be the loser, even if you compare billionaires Bill Gates and Jeff Bezos. The desire to surpass others is fueled by journalists, lists of "top 40 businessmen under 40 years old", photos of supermodels, interviews with celebrities and covers of glossy publications. It is very difficult to compare your own life with these photoshopped images.

The so-called "perfection" that everyone strives for is an illusion. If we knew the whole truth about other people, we would stop feeling so undervalued by comparing ourselves to carefully crafted public images. There is a possibility that someone is looking with envy at you, without realizing your deep inner feelings.

We are not saying that all people are the same and born with an equal set of strengths and weaknesses. Life is unfair. Some have perfect looks, good health and wealthy parents, while others are forced to fight for survival every day. And yet, when we compare ourselves to others (not in our favor, of course), we think we're losing because we're not trying hard. Although it is more likely that the differences between you and the object of comparison show the unevenness of the "playing field". Just hard work sometimes isn't enough, but that's no reason to give up.

Quoting Wikipedia, an affirmation is a short phrase that, when repeated many times, fixes the necessary image or attitude in a person's subconscious. This contributes to the improvement of the psycho-emotional background and stimulates positive changes in life.

To a skeptical person, repeating positive phrases like "I am good" or "I deserve respect" may seem naive and a waste of time. But in fact, this is not much different from self-criticism: a person for a long time convinces himself that he is bad, stupid, untalented, then begins to believe it and lives with low self-esteem. Maybe the same statements, only positive ones, will also have an effect?

The following practice exists in American meetings of Narcotics Anonymous or Alcoholics Anonymous. A person who wants to get rid of his addiction must first of all give up his free will (because he is infected with addiction, and self-deprecation is another bad habit). So you don't necessarily have to agree with any method for it to work. Sometimes it is enough to just blindly follow the instructions and believe that everything will work out.

You can believe negative statements ("I'm stupid"), but no matter how paradoxically simple this thought sounds, you can still disagree with them. Psychologists recommend repeating positive affirmations every day to help yourself return to the path of awareness. Stand in front of the mirror in the morning (don't be afraid to look strange, no one can see you!) and repeat pre-selected positive affirmations.

Simple things like showering, brushing your hair, wearing clean clothes, eating right, and exercising regularly will help you feel better. Research also shows that creating a comfortable, clean and attractive living space helps improve mood.

American postmodern writer David Foster Wallace said that "To be shy is to be so self-absorbed that it becomes difficult to be around other people." Therefore, one of the ways to cope with such feelings is to start paying attention to others more than to yourself.

Donations, volunteering, helping people who are less fortunate, banal friendliness and openness not only help to distract from one's own problems, but also give an opportunity to feel better. The more good things you do in life, the more reasons you have to be proud of yourself, and this, of course, increases your self-esteem. And many doors open for people with healthy self-esteem. They are less prone to boredom and are not afraid to deal with life's difficulties, as a result of which they are open to new experiences.

The listed methods are general techniques that should minimize the consequences of negative self-evaluation, free you from a biased view of life events. Prepare you for really serious transformations that will change your life for the better. In the "Explain" column, we will once again raise this topic and advise practical methods of changing self-esteem and negative thinking (such as cognitive restructuring), but they all deserve separate materials.

Supports can be external - they are the surrounding people who support us and the surrounding situation in which we are. But these supports are not always stable, that is why there are more reliable ones - internal. Internal supports are the psychological foundation that helps to withstand difficult periods.

The ability to rely on oneself.
Worldview and awareness of one's values. It is a guide, based on which we make decisions and act.
Gained experience (experience of dealing with difficult situations, experience of success).
Knowledge and skills. This is an understanding of what we are capable of, what we can handle.
Knowledge about your emotions, feelings and self-confidence. This allows you to navigate the situation and act based on awareness.
Self-belief and inner strength.
Taking responsibility for your life, which will allow you not to depend on others and choose the life you want.
Own boundaries are built.
Balance of life spheres, which acts as insurance. If there is trouble in one part of life, you can lean on another to have the resources to overcome them.

Mainly, external supports appear in childhood in the form of care from adults. There we get comfort and stability. Over time, this external support integrates and becomes internal, but this does not always happen. There are several signs that may indicate a loss of connection with your supports:

Dependence on other people;
Trying to please everyone;
The need to be close to a person who will tell you how to do.
Striving for perfection.
A feeling of fear in front of authoritative people.

It is best to explore your supports with a psychologist, because there can be a devaluation of what a person has. A psychologist helps to notice and appropriate what is. But to begin with, you can independently consider several questions:

What is important to me?
What are my values?
What are my strengths?
What activities bring me joy and satisfaction?
What can I do?
Do I notice my emotions and strong reactions to certain events? What are these events?
Do I notice different bodily reactions? Do I understand what this is about?