What is the difference between a healthy relationship and a codependent one
healthy
- You have a sense of reliability, security, which is the background of the relationship.
- You feel the "flexibility" of the connection: the partner does not play on sharp approaches/removals, does not react aggressively to confusion and does not reduce everything to an attempt to control. When the distance with a partner increases, we can react in different ways: calmness, orientation, and so on. The main thing is that it does not hurt us and does not distract us from solving everyday tasks.
- You navigate your relationship like you're walking a road, not a minefield.
- You don't have to constantly "try" in a relationship to keep it. Your attention is not attached to them, and no extra effort is needed.
- You have the opportunity to dialogue, jointly search for different solutions and make sure that these solutions will be implemented.
- You are sure of the place you occupy in a person's life, you have no doubts that this relationship is significant for both of you.
- You have the option to request and receive support. You know that at least half of the time you will get what you need in response to your request, or you will understand why not.
- Both of you are ready to change and accept your partner's changes.
Codependent
- Relationships are precious and should be held on to. When do we usually "stick" something? When we are hungry, and our resource is taken away. In this case, the resource is not another person, but something that is valuable to us in the relationship itself.
- One of the partners seems to be "always right". If gradually the power is concentrated in the hands of one partner (he makes all the key decisions, does as is convenient for him personally), then gradually, from a joint project with two participants, the relationship becomes a practice of sole authority, one is right and the other is wrong in everything.
- We are afraid to talk about our feelings and needs because of the certainty that they will be devalued. Fear is an emotion, in the composition of which we can detect excitement in the nervous system (heaviness in the chest, rapid breathing, increased energy), focus on the partner, attempts in our head to convince him of something all the time. Who knows where fear ends and what can be called love begins?
- Deep down inside, we are convinced that we love the "convenient", those who agree and avoid all conflicts. This belief is born from contact in which all the blame is hung on one partner. If you are always to blame, then you need to be even more comfortable so as not to cause irritation and rejection of your partner.
Conflicts are necessary for relationships, without them it is impossible to survive difference, disagreement, reach a common point of view or find a way, without coming to a common understanding, how to deal with these differences. The problem arises where one of the partners is sure in advance that he cannot win and he will not even be heard.
All problems come from childhood
The formation of codependency most often occurs in childhood, and it is influenced by two factors:
1. An example of the relationship between mom and dad.
2. Attitude towards the child, especially the quality of communication with the mother.
Factor #1. Parents' relationship
Since childhood, the family has the most important influence on the formation of personality. A child's development is determined by his role and place in family relationships, which directly affects the style of a person's behavior in future partnerships and love relationships.
How decisions are made in the family, how adults behave with distance and cope with stress. Can they trust each other and talk about their feelings? These and other family "rules" children translate their relationships in the future, building their own model of behavior.
- Children who grew up in a family where there is no trust, emotional contact and support, become adults who do not believe that the world is a safe place.
- If all decisions were made for the child, no one was interested in his opinion and wishes (hyperopia was detected), he will remain convinced that there is no point in talking about his feelings and needs, because efforts do not affect anything.
Factor #2. The relationship of the father (s) to the child
The entire growing up of a child is built on gradual separation and autonomy. These tasks can be solved only in conditions of safe contact, when the mother physically and emotionally accompanies the baby's development, gives him the confidence that she is always nearby and ready to provide a reliable rear.
For example, in response to the first steps, the mother rejoices at the child's new independence. When he falls - comfort him, help him see failure as a normal part of life.
And he, in turn, is not afraid to try new things, because he knows that they do not expect instant results from him.
For such a healthy relationship, the mother herself needs to be safe, with her back covered in terms of health, finances, with a reliable partner by her side. And it is also important that the mother received such an amount of love in her childhood that she had something to give to the child.
Why can there be no reliable, healthy attachment between mother and child?
Let's list the most common reasons.
- Suffered illness of the fetus/mother during pregnancy or separation immediately after birth.
- Addictions in a partner, betrayals on his part, etc.
- Fear of spoiling the child: "you can't" approach the crib of a crying baby, because "you need to develop the ability to cope with circumstances independently."
- Toxic relationships in the inner circle. Problems, misunderstandings in the family, aggression of its members can make the mother unbalanced and emotionally closed, and the child's development can be put on the back burner.
- The need to urgently go to work to ensure financial security, the threat of war, etc. The mother is forced to shift the focus of attention from the child to solving other tasks.
What in the end?
Not having received enough love and attention in childhood or, on the contrary, getting used to the fact that "mom will ruin everything", a person becomes codependent. He subconsciously looks for a father in his partner, on whom he will depend, because he feels "at home" with him.
If the mother did not support her child, was lonely and unhappy herself, her child will be afraid of being abandoned both in childhood and in adulthood and will do anything to avoid parting with a loved one.