Child care or self care?
On the other side of anxiety is always control. And there's a fine line between caring for your child and worrying about your own feelings.
example
The kid runs through the puddles. His father forbids him to wet his feet and catch a cold. When an adult buys rubber boots, it seems that it is already possible to conquer the spaces of street reservoirs. This is child care.
But when the mother, even in boots, continues to forbid, says that she will have to wash dirty clothes and sit with the child at night, if she catches a cold and gets sick, then this is hypertrophied control.
There are many dangers in life. And the task of adults is to teach, pass on experience, explain the rules of behavior, tell how to act in this or that situation, who you can talk to and who you can't. So the father tries to protect the child as much as he can.
At the same time, it is important to explain to yourself that the child is a person who must be respected and trusted, and not to put fences around him with eternal and not always clear prohibitions. When a child lives in an excessive number of prohibitions, this already suggests that the parent himself is full of fears.
The threats that the father as an adult assesses form the basis of upbringing and the rules that mom and dad should form together with the child.
example
Let's analyze the case of hypertrophied anxiety. There are many cars on the street, let's not let him out alone at all, let him walk only with his mother or grandmother.
Such a decision does not correspond to potential threats. As a rule, this removes the issue of the father's emotional safety: "So that I don't worry about the child, let him stay at home."
In general, hyperopia is indulgent and dominant.
Indulgent care
Acts on the principle: "I'm happy with what you have, so you can do whatever you want, just be. And mother will put up with everything, invent everything, solve everything." In such a system, the child remains ill-mannered, self-centered, and enjoys permissiveness.
Dominant guardianship
A mother knows better what her son or daughter needs. At the same time, the needs of the child are not taken into account at all. If he has health problems, his father makes him weak, even a victim: "You can't do anything, you can't do anything, you're allergic to everything, don't even dare to think about a cat or a dog. It's dangerous." Such hyperconcern can even aggravate the child's illness. After all, if he recovers, the mother will consider herself unnecessary. She feels significant, needed only when the child is sick.
A hypertrophied manifestation is delegated Munchausen syndrome, when parents invent symptoms for their children. There are rare cases when they are specially strengthened, and then the child begins to be treated. Such a parent is a codependent personality who needs the child's illness in order to save it. He refuses his personal life, citing the fact that one cannot be happy if a child has health problems. But these are pathological cases, fortunately, there are not so many of them.
Parental Anxiety Checklist
Check your level of anxiety about your child and answer the following questions
- When I worry about my child, do I understand why I'm really worried? To what extent does the content of the situation correspond to reality? For example, I worry about whether the child has a high temperature and measure it 15 times a day. I see that he plays, goes to school, says that he feels fine. But I will constantly touch the forehead, put the thermometer, drive the child to madness, and the temperature will really appear.
- Is this ban for my son or daughter related to my own fear or the real safety of the child? With my needs or his needs?
- If I push my anxiety to the max, will it help the baby?
A rational view will allow you to see the hypertrophied story and think about anxiety, about the child and about yourself. Parents almost always evacuate their anxiety to the baby, the mother is worried, the child starts up, and against this background, what she is so afraid of can happen to her.
How to stop "winding" yourself?
First of all, it is a matter of trust. It is important to tell yourself that you have done everything for the child's safety: you have talked about how to behave correctly in a difficult situation that he may face, say what to do if the phone is discharged or lost, who to turn to for help.
If the father cannot cope with anxiety, it is worth seeking help from a specialist, to find the cause of the internal tension that does not allow him to let go of the child.
A mother will always worry about her son or daughter, no matter how old they are, that is her essence. But if there is a lot of anxiety, it disturbs the mother and the child. This is a reason to investigate anxiety, to find reasons. And let go.