To answer this question, it is enough to recall an episode from childhood, when one kid leaves the sandbox offended, and the other suddenly realizes how important this friend is to him. After all, in this way the game, which for him is now the most interesting in life, will end.
The child looks for options to change this decision: "Let me give you my toy, or let's play your favorite game first." He is ready for any compromise so that everything remains as before.
Psychological routine
Mainly because it is hard for us to lose our sense of stability. “The sense of continuity of experience is a protective function that is developed in all healthy people. We understand: I communicated with this person a month and a week ago and I can see him at any time, in other words, we extrapolate our experience for the future, explains psychologist Maryna Miaus. — A sense of routine arises: the past and the future are combined in our perception. It turns out that if I need to say something important to a loved one, it is not necessary to do it now."
"For a long time, I felt that we are not so actively communicating with our friend," admits Veronika. — I did not support her when she started a business project that was important to her. She didn't believe that this was a good idea, she thought it would only bring her problems, but she didn't dare to say it frankly. All this remained unspeakable between us. And now she responds to messages less and less. I see that my friend is slipping out of my life. And just now I understand how dear to me our connection is. I want to meet and explain everything, but she does not make contact."
"Experiencing separation from a person, we feel an urgent need to tell them something important," says the expert. - Veronica is a vivid example of the fact that sometimes it happens too late. We are sure that it will always be possible to do this, but a person suddenly leaves, taking away this opportunity."
Close people are included in our life script, it fills our existence with stability. I know that at any moment I can meet a friend or call my wife or husband. And when a loved one leaves the relationship, we understand that our scenario is unsustainable without him."
What should (not) be done?
1. Do not devalue yourself
The person leaving us at this moment seems to us to be extremely valuable and, compared to us, much more significant.
A dangerous mechanism of devaluation is activated, because we begin to present ourselves in the role of a victim, we communicate with our partner from a bottom-up position, calling him to an emotionally stronger position of compassion. But communication based only on pity will not lead to understanding.
Don't put off what you want to say now
Conflicts are inevitable in any relationship, and only sincere conversation can resolve contradictions and bring us to a new level of understanding. This requires courage, because such conversations are not always psychologically comfortable.
However, people prefer to talk about trivial things, everyday routine, make jokes and avoid the really important things. And then it turns out that the person is leaving, and conversation is impossible. That is why it is so important to be aware of each moment and voice what worries us now.
View the relationship scenario
All relationships, like the seasons of the year, are mobile and inevitably go through different stages. "Each significant person is included in the scenario of our life, and this scenario is important to review from time to time and reconcile with reality, says the psychologist. - The more often we subject relations to analysis, the more soberly we will be able to assess the situation and react more flexibly.
And if a loved one suddenly wants to change something: to communicate less intensively or to cut off contact altogether, this will not knock the ground out from under your feet. You will be better prepared, because such important decisions are not made in one day."
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