Think of someone you know who always lacks something for complete happiness: sometimes the neighbors are loud, sometimes the price of potatoes is prohibitively high, sometimes the government doesn't think about him, and in general there are complete ghouls sitting in housing and communal services. Such people always have someone to blame, but not themselves - whether it's fate or evil fate, a black cat, a woman with empty buckets or an evil girlfriend. The list goes on and on. Health problems, low salary, debts... This fountain of complaints about unfair life does not end. And as you know, we attract what we talk about - especially negative events. This is how a vicious circle appears.
What is characteristic of people in the position of a victim
As a rule, this perception of events is an unconscious attitude of people who lack responsibility for their own lives. They feel inferior, unworthy of love, respect, and care. They always feel bad, or rather, worse than others, and the world for them is a dangerous place where they can offend and attack (not only physically). Therefore, they need to be weak, unfailing martyrs, so that they are pitied, and even better protected.
Let's analyze the main characteristics of such people:
- Negativism - as it was said before, people in the position of a victim are pessimists - they only see the negative consequences of events even where it is almost impossible to find them, and refuse to try something new.
- Suspicion brought to the point of absurdity—they believe that the whole world, and even more so their immediate environment, wants to hurt them, which is why they push everyone away from them even more.
- Exaggeration of problems - follows from the previous point, for "victims" everything has the prefix "over"
- Expecting praise and general admiration—yes, they feel miserable and destitute, but at the same time they expect praise for how brave and resilient they are. If they don't get it to the extent they expect, they go on the defensive - especially if someone allows criticism in their direction.
- Love to make claims - people in the position of a victim like to point out any imperfections of others, trying to remake them for their needs. At the same time, they are not disgusted by reproaches, appeals to feelings of guilt and feigning illness against the background of someone else's "outrageous" behavior.
- Savoring one's own insults - it is very easy to offend the "victim", for example, by being a minute late or refusing a trifle. After such a person can interrupt communication for a long time, but for a very long time complain about the offender to all acquaintances and strangers. As soon as the "stream of consciousness" gets tired of everyone, he will calmly continue communication with that terrible person, not forgetting to recall his offense at every convenient opportunity.
- Criticism - such people always know what and how is better, who can do what and who cannot. And it doesn't matter to whom the criticism is directed - a person from a personal circle or a complete stranger.
- Shifting responsibility - the "victim" lives with the belief that everything is ruled by providence, for example, the phase of the Moon, the fifth wheel, the third eye, gypsies in the bazaar. As a last resort, the government or the victim's past, therefore, nothing depends on her.
- A stream of complaints — a neighbor on the site, a therapist at a polyclinic, and a salesperson at "Pyatirka" can act as listeners. The main thing is to have "free ears" and not to hear "worse happens" in response, because only a person in the position of a victim is allowed to be unhappy.
How people take the victim position
Such a position is formed in childhood, in the child's relationship with parents or other significant figures. This happens, as a rule, in families where there is no unconditional love for children from parents: they encourage the usefulness and convenience of the child, and also prohibit emotions that can anger or upset adults.
Such children choose the tactics of "sleeping", because they have nowhere to go, hide or run away, they cannot attack if they are scolded. In such cases, the child silently accepts the punishment, after which he goes to his room and waits until the father feels sorry for him and he does not rush to make amends. This naturally reinforces the association that care is only available after suffering.
In addition, a sacrificial position is formed in children, in whose families their interests and feelings are placed below the interests and feelings of others. For example, when parents scold a child for not sharing toys with others, forbid "giving back", feel sorry for another affected child, scold their child in front of witnesses - often without even understanding the situation. From all this, the child can draw only one conclusion for himself - he is not important and valuable for his parents.
What is the advantage of the position of the victim
1. Absence of guilt and shame
Where do these feelings come from, if it is the "victim" who suffers because of the imperfection of the surrounding world, if the world is unfair to her? Of course, she hears out of the corner of her ear that this may not be so, but she cannot leave her role.
2. Secondary benefit in the relationship
The simplest example is the wife of an alcoholic who endures constant humiliation from her husband who drinks, and at the same time receives enormous support and pity from her close friends, who praise her heroism and put her on the pedestal of the keeper of the family hearth. And the husband, after another rampage and drinking, bestows gifts, apologies, pleas, making up for his guilt.
3. Achieving goals
"Victims" skillfully suppress emotions, recharacterize information, create a catastrophic contrast between their misfortune and the well-being of another, and attract outsiders to their side. These manipulations help them achieve their goals. For example, if it is beneficial for a 30-year-old child not to live separately, then they can "turn on" their sores.
4. Swim downstream
People in the position of a victim can simply go with the flow and not decide anything. And what is the point, if they are not responsible for anything, and even more so, they cannot change anything? But in this way they can force others to do what they need.
5. Energy vampirism
"Victims", talking about problems, transfer part of their negativity onto another person, thereby easing their own condition. Or vice versa: they get pleasure by provoking the interlocutor to negativity, seeking aggression from him and the transition to a conflict state.
To remain in such a position or not is a personal matter of everyone. But it is not so easy to stop being a victim - an adult may need the help of a psychologist and the support of loved ones.
