We debunk 5 myths about self-compassion

Self-compassion is the antidote to pity, it is acceptance of one's emotions. "I am mistaken and I feel bad. I am in pain. It's a shame." And not "I'm poor, unhappy", "how could this happen to me" or "it's not my fault".

Accepting your emotions helps you live faster and let them go. Instead of replaying the failure in your mind over and over again, as happens during regret.

A study by Philippe Rayes of the University of Leuven examined the relationship between self-compassion and rumination (emotional rumination) and mental health in college students.

Rayes found that participants with higher levels of self-compassion thought less about their unhappiness. This explains why compassionate participants had fewer symptoms of anxiety and depression.

Self-compassion helps to easily cope with life's crises.

David Sbarra and colleagues from the University of Arizona studied more than 100 people who had recently divorced. They wanted to learn how self-compassion helps you adjust to a divorce.

They used a modified self-compassion questionnaire and scored low on those who said "I don't know how to cope", "it was all my fault", "I pushed her away", "I needed him so much and still do", "I know that did everything wrong. Those who said, "Looking back, we should make the best of it and move on," "just forgive yourself and your ex for whatever you both did or didn't do," scored high.

Probably the most common myth. Moreover, most often it works only to one's side.

Imagine the situation. The child brings a deuce. Parents react with shouting and criticism. "You're stupid. You won't achieve anything like that. You'll end up working as a janitor."

What reaction do you think will give the child more strength and desire to correct grades? Most agree that #2. BUT! Only in relation to others!

For some reason, the majority choose path #1 in relation to themselves. Studies confirm that this is an ineffective method.

For example, a series of experiments by Juliana Brains and Serena Chen from the University of California, Berkeley. They wanted to know if self-compassion helps students change their behavior for the better.

Participants were asked to recall a recent event when they felt guilty: failing an exam, lying to a partner, saying something unpleasant to a friend.

They were divided into three groups. The former wrote letters of condolence to themselves if they supported a friend. Others wrote about their positive qualities. And the third about their hobby.

Self-compassion is feeling good about yourself, regardless of whether things are bad or good, whether you've succeeded or messed up.

The problem with self-esteem is that everyone wants to be above average in everything. But this is statistically impossible and often frustrating.

Mark Leary and his colleagues at Wake Forest University conducted a study in which participants were asked to describe themselves and record a video. For example: "Hello, I'm Peter, a specialist in environmental sciences. I like to go fishing and spend time in nature. When I graduate, I want to work for the National Park Service."

They were told that their entry would be rated on a seven-point scale for how friendly, intelligent, and mature they appeared.

Half of the participants received positive evaluations, the rest - neutral. The assessment was fake, they were randomly sent results.

The participants were pre-tested on the level of self-esteem according to the Rosenberg scale and on the level of self-compassion according to the Christine Neff scale.

They found that in miserable participants, emotional reactions were not associated with recall, whether it was positive or neutral.

However, people with high self-esteem were more likely to get upset when they received neutral feedback (Am I just average?). Many said that the feedback was not related to them, but blamed the circumstances, as if the observer was in a bad mood.

This is not to say that self-esteem is not important. It's just that self-esteem and self-compassion are different things. Self-compassion helps even when self-esteem fails, even when it falls below the plinth.

This is also a common opinion. It is not customary to take care of yourself. About others - please, as many as you like. This especially applies to women, who have been taught since childhood that they should take care of their children, husband, parents, others, but not themselves.

Kristin Neff and her colleague Tasha Beretvas from the University of Texas at Austin conducted a study that found that people who are compassionate towards themselves are kinder to their partners.

They recruited more than 100 couples who had been in romantic relationships for a year or longer. Participants rated their level of self-monitoring. They then described their relationship partner's behavior using a series of reports and how satisfied they were with their partners.

The researchers found that the partners of compassionate people described them as more caring, in contrast to self-critical ones, who often showed aggression and control.

Participants with compassionate partners also reported greater relationship satisfaction. It is logical. When a person does not take care of themselves, they often shift the responsibility of taking care of themselves to their partner. And when his expectations of care are not met, it leads to bad relationships.

But when a person can take care of himself, support himself and meet his needs, he has more emotional resources to share with his partner.

But there are more and more studies that show that treating yourself well helps you treat others better. Caregivers and psychologists who treat themselves with self-compassion experience less stress and less burnout.

We evolved as social animals, so when we see someone else's suffering, it activates the pain centers in our own brains. Therefore, people who help the sick, the elderly, children, as well as people who are hypersensitive to other people's troubles, are prone to a greater risk of burnout and depression.

When we show compassion, we create a protective buffer that allows us to understand and feel the person's suffering, but not devastate ourselves.

And the people we care about pick up our self-compassion through their empathic system. In other words, the compassion we develop for ourselves is directly transferred to others.

I hope the evidence and research has convinced you that self-compassion is a good thing for yourself and others. And that it should be developed and trained.

And if you're ready to practice self-compassion, follow the link